Floor-Poopin’ Cat Sister Probs

Hey Peoples, Morris here. I finally got the light square away from Trample (Sophie). She thinks she’s the only one of us who can write. I actually write gooder than her but don’t tell her cause then she’ll chase me and run me over with her big tramply legs.

I feel safe way up here.

I feel safe way up here.

I mean it. She is scary big and stupid hyper. I think she scares my sister Pot Head Tiger (Boo Boo), too, because lately Pot Head has been avoiding the litter box. She poops on the floor, you guys. It’s just gross.

I try to cover the poop when she does it, but there is not really any litter on the tile or carpet. I gave myself rug burn trying to cover the evidence. No good. Mama still found it and yelled, “What the fuck, Boo?” Mom knows it’s her because she caught her doing it. Pot Head must be sniffing too much cat nip cause she just poops on the floor even when Mama or Daddy can see her.

See! It's gross!

See! It’s gross!

We all have accidents sometimes. I used to pee on the floor when I first moved to Mama’s house. That was because I was mad at Mean Ninja (Andre) for trying to beat me up. I’m still mad at him, but I don’t pee on the floor anymore. I just kick his ass. I’m bigger and stronger. So, I teach him a lesson when he needs it. I hate it when Mama breaks up our fights cause I don’t need her help. I’m a big man.

I gotta go follow Pot Head around and tell her to use the litter box. She is probably so drugged out that she just forgets where all of the boxes are. I’d rather hide on Daddy’s pile of dirty clothes, but if I don’t keep Pot Head from pooping on the floor, Trample or Yippie Dog (Lola) will eat it. Why are dogs so gross?

Thanks for listening.

Purrs and Drool,

Morris

P.S. If you are looking for my mama, she is over on Scary Mommy today talking about how much she loves my human brother, the boy. I don’t know why she is there cause she is not scary at all.

I love Daddy's clothes.

I love Daddy’s clothes.


Translated 80’s Songs

Young people, in order for you to understand this blog, you need to be aware of a dark time in human history.  There was a time, brace yourselves, when people did not have smart phones or even regular cell phones. No, not even flip phones. I know.  I know.  Imagine a time where you couldn’t check Facebook every 19 seconds, or Instagram your lobster mac and cheese before you even took a bite.  Dark times.  Brace yourselves again.  Not only were there no smart phones, but there was no internet.  So, humans had no email, or social media of any kind.  We, gulp, had to call each other on archaic devices called home phones.  They hooked into our walls with wires. WIRES!! We had to sit or stand near the phone, and we could only move as far as the telephone CORD would allow.

When I was your age, back in the 80’s, there was music on MTV. Odd, I know, but stay with me. A lot of the videos showed people getting emotional about phone calls. These songs also talked about people meeting in person rather than on Facebook as nature intended. There were even lyrics about people reading paper magazines. What a waste of trees! Why were there no iPads?

Even though there was a shocking lack of technology back in the day, there was some great music. I wanted to share some of my favorite songs with you, but I realized they would probably not make sense to anyone born after 1992. To make them more accessible to those younger than me, I have updated the lyrics so you can understand and appreciate them.

 

Huey Lewis and the News, “If This Is It”

Original: I’ve been phoning, night and morning. I heard you say,”Tell him I’m not home.”

Translation: I’ve been texting. It says you read them. You keep letting me go straight to voicemail.

 

Duran Duran, “Girls on Film”

Original: Wider baby smiling you just made a million. Fuses pumping live heat twisting out on a wire

Translation: You used the right filter and got a million likes. You went viral on Instagram and Facebook, too.

 

Wham, “Battle Stations”

Original: You don’t know how much I hate that answer phone. Are you standing there? But – you won’t pick up the ‘phone. Why lie to my face? When you can buy a tape machine to give me bullshit in your place

Translation: I hate when you reject my call. I know my picture still pops up on your iPhone. You don’t even have the balls to Facetime me.

 

Ratt, “Round and Round”

Original: Out on the streets; that’s where we’ll meet. You make the night. I always cross the line.

Translation: In a Facebook group, I will see you. You post the best cat videos. I post politically incorrect jokes about Republicans.

 

Midnight Star, “Operator” (Young people, there used to be a person called an “operator” who used to help you make phone calls. It’s kind of tough to explain, but just think of this person as Steve Jobs or Mark Zuckerberg.)

Original: “Operator, can I help you?”

“Yes, I’m trying to, uh, reach my baby, and I dialed 6-1-6″

Translation: “Hi. You sound lost. Do you need a new iPhone?”

“Yes, I’m trying to text this hot chick, and I dialed 567-443-8671.”

“You didn’t dial a 1 first, doofus.”

 

Tommy Tutone, “Jenny 867-5309”

Original: Jenny don’t change your number

I need to make you mine

Jenny I call your number — 867-5309

Translation: Jenny, I’ve been tweeting you. Please retweet or reply. Jenny, I follow your Twitter — at sign J-e-n-n-y

 

J. Geils Band, “Centerfold”

Original: Years go by I’m lookin’ through a girly magazine

And there’s my homeroom angel on the pages in-between. My angel is the centerfold.

Translation: A long time after school, I was flipping through Instagram, and there’s my ex in a bathing suit with lots of tats. My bae is a suicide girl.

 

The Clash, “Should I Stay or Should I Go?”

Original: One day is fine and next is black. So if you want me off your back. Well come on an’ let me know. Should I Stay or should I go?

Translation: Your Facebook statuses are funny but sometimes you vaguebook. Your relationship status says complicated. Should I comment or should I unfriend?

 

Prince and the Revolution, “When Doves Cry.”

Original: How can we scream at each other?

Translation: How can we all caps text each other?

 

Blondie, “Call Me.”

Original: Call me (call me) on the line. Call me, call me any, anytime

Translation: Snap chat me (or text) on the iPhone. I won’t turn it off at night.

 

Stevie Wonder, “I just called to say I love you.”

Original: I just called to say I love you.

Translation: I tagged you as my Woman Crush Wednesday on Instagram to kind of claim you.

What do you think, young people? Are you still thinking about the wired phone? I hope you don’t have nightmares about that. It was super frightening. Your mom could pick up at any time and tell you to get off the phone. Super embarrassing. Be glad you don’t have to go through that. Maybe you can translate your favorite songs for me now, or at least hand me the lyrics.  I can’t understand what the heck anyone is “singing” now with all of the yelling and growling.  Oh, shit.  I’m getting old.

 

 

Coffee Talk with a Great Dane Lab

Hi everyone in light square land,

I’m so excited and it’s not even dinner time. Mama got interviewed by Marshal Zeringue. He is a guy who loves dogs and he posts blogs about them having coffee with their people. The dogs never actually drink coffee because it’s bad for them. Well, he asked Mama some questions, and, as you probably guessed, she answered them in her boring Mama way. So, I answered the questions, too, because I know how to make things more interesting.

Who is in the photo at right?

Well, there’s three pictures.  One is of me, Mama, and Lola.  I’m the big, pretty Black Lab Great Dane. I like to eat food and chase kitties.  Mama is the human. Her people name is Lisa R. Petty.  She mostly stares at the light square [laptop] and writes blogs and books on it.  She also says she teaches college students on the light square, but I never see them or hear them, so I think she’s lying.  The little white dog is my sister Lola.  She looks like a puppy, but she’s actually old.  She mostly just barks a lot to warn us when little humans are playing outside. (Pictures are on original blog — Mama)

One other picture is of me and Mama in the car at the coffee place.  You can tell I’m super happy because I’m smiling.

One is of me just sitting in the car.

And my favorite one is of me with my head out of the car window.  I love rain.

What’s the occasion for Coffee with a Canine?

I was bored and I was chasing the kitties around.  So, mama decided that a car ride might be fun.  I like car rides so I can stick my head out of the window and sniff everything.

What’s brewing?

We went to a place close to our house called Mean Bean.  We had to drive through instead of sit on the patio because it was raining.  Mama hates rain, but I love it.  Mama got a white chocolate coffee, Daddy was with us and he got a chocolate coffee.  I’m not allowed to have chocolate or coffee so I didn’t order anything.

Any treats for you or Sophie on this occasion?

I am Sophie.  Well, Mama and Daddy had their coffee.  Lola and I had cookies at home, after we took that picture.  I like cookies.  I run and jump when mama just says the word cookie.  MMMMM….. cookies.

How did Sophie get her name? Any nicknames?

Well, Sophie has always been my name, ever since I lived at the animal shelter with my sisters.  The boy calls me Sopety McSope Sope, and Mama calls me Big Moose sometimes.  I’m only 82 pounds.  Mooses are bigger than that.

How were you and Sophie united?

Daddy had a black dog that was smaller than me named Mario. Mario crossed the rainbow bridge before I was even a puppy.  So, daddy missed having a bigger dog.  He saw me on the animal shelter’s light square page and he just went there and took me home.

Are there any Sophie-inspired dogs in your fiction?

Well, I write blogs and they aren’t fiction.  Mama sometimes writes blogs about me, too. Andre, the mean kitty, wrote a blog about me.  All of it is true though, except the mean stuff Andre said.

Does Sophie do more to help or hinder your writing?

Oh, I’m  a big help because I write blogs.  Also, I ask to go outside a lot. So, Mama has to get up from the couch or the table or her desk a lot.  This keeps her active and helps her think of more stuff to write.

Who is Sophie’s best pet-pal?

My sister Lola is my best dog pal.  The boy, my human brother, is the person I like to play with the most.  He’s not boring like Mama.

Where is Sophie’s favorite outdoor destination?

I like to run behind the evergreen trees in my back yard.  That is where the birds are.  I like to chase birds.

Squeaky toy, ball, stick…?

Yes, please.  Send them all to my house.  I do tend to destroy toys, though.  My teeth get so happy when I chew on stuff.

Cat, postman, squirrel…?

I LOVE to chase kitties.  They seem to like it, too, because they run.  It’s so much fun.

 

What is Sophie’s best quality?

Even though I’m the biggest furry kid in the house, I know that I am not the alpha.  I let Andre the mean kitty be in charge.  I’m super nice and I have never bitten anyone.  I just let the mean kitty hit me and make snake noises at me and I don’t even care.

If Sophie could change one thing about you, what would it be?

I would like if if Mama would not be so boring all the time.  She just sits and stares at the light square all day.  She should go out and chase birds like I do.

If Hollywood made a movie about your life in which Sophie could speak, which actor should do her voice?

I would just do the talking myself. If it had to be a person, I would say maybe Mel Blanc, but I think he crossed the rainbow bridge. 

If Sophie could answer only one question in English, what would you ask her?

Mama probably wants to know why I eat poop sometimes.  It’s because it’s tasty.

So, you can read Mama’s version of the interview here on Mr. Zeringue’s page.  Most of the pictures are on Mr. Zeringue’s page.

Leave a comment and let me know who did a better job at this. Probably me.

 

Me and Mama in the car

Me and Mama in the car

Witchy Halloween Giveaway!

Witchy GiveawayHey you guys,  it’s almost like Christmas on my blog this week.  On Monday, Sophie announced the myCharge giveaway, which doesn’t end until next month.  So, if you haven’t entered that, you have plenty of time.

Then, on Wednesday, I did ye olde book cover reveal for Clash of the Couples.  If you have ever been part of a couple, ever been in an argument, or been in an argument with your sometimes better half, you will love this book.  It is full of snarcastic lover’s quarrels.

So now that it’s Friday, the coolest day of the week, I wanted to announce ANOTHER giveaway.  My friend Ashley over at More Than Cheese and Beer is sponsoring this exciting little contest.   Please do go visit her page when you have a free afternoon.  You won’t want to leave.

Giveaway Items include:

“F It” mug created by Mommy Needs Wine, Not Whine from Tracy on the Rocks

“Misfit Academy” Young Adult Novel by Lisa R. Petty  ME!

“Muggle Mug” from Mommy Needs Wine, Not Whine

A black cat trivet from Ponies and Martinis

Trick or Treat Surprise from Sparkly Poetic Weirdo 

Halloween/Fall inspired scented candle(s) from Yankee Candle from Juicebox Confession

Creepy Crawly Surprise from Climaxed the Blog

Demonic Surprise from the DoucheArt 

$15 Gift Card to Shop Lancaster from Glitter & Bruises

Witchy Halloween Surprise from More Than Cheese and Beer

How to Win:

Use Rafflecopter to….

Like the Facebook pages of the bloggers involved

Follow on Twitter

Subscribe to blogs via email or on Bloglovin’.

Fans and followers can earn 2 entries by “Liking” each Facebook page, and 2 Entries for following on Twitter (4 Entries if there is only a Facebook page).

“Subscribe to” blogs via email or through BlogLovin’ for an additional 4 Entries (I WILL be emailing bloggers for verification of this).

The giveaway opens for entries September 15th and Winners will be randomly selected and announced on October 20th on my Facebook Page More Than Cheese and Beer, tweeted (if possible), and emailed.

Giveaway is limited to the U.S (Sorry!)

Prizes will be shipped by Halloween (October 31st, 2014).  Winners will have until noon CST on October 22nd to respond to my email, and I will forward their contact information to the person offering the prize.  If winners do not respond, bloggers can do what they want with the prize.  Participants are not eligible to win their own prizes, but are eligible to win prizes offered by others.

 

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Clash of the Couples — Funny Arguments

Back in the day, when I was 22 and skinny, I decided it would be a great idea to marry a tall, dark, and handsome man I met in college.  Sure, we had broken up a couple of times and had sort of dramatic, violent arguments, but he was cute and funny, and I didn’t feel like dating any more (at 22!).  So, we got married.

We didn’t stay married. A couple of years after we brought our rock star son into the world, we parted ways for good. We had a miserable divorce (are there any fun divorces), and we fought bitterly.  Through the years, I thought that my son was the only good thing to come from my starter marriage.  Until now.

Recently, I came across a call for submissions to a humor anthology.  When I saw that, I realized that I had tons of funny stories about arguments with my ex, most of them having to do with the language/cultural barrier between us.  You see, he is a Cuban American and I am just your standard pasty white girl.  I felt like I lived in an episode of I Love Lucy.

If you want to read more about my first marriage, and the arguments that eventually led to the end of it, you’re in luck.  My story, along with other FUNNY stories, will appear in Clash of the Couples on November 3.  Here is more information about the book:

My starter marriage story is in THIS book!

My starter marriage story is in THIS book!

Coupledom. Fact or fable, Adam and Eve birthed the perpetual relationship drama as seen on TV today. Despite the serpents, this couple HAD IT MADE. Luxury real estate, lush gardens, and privacy out the yin-yang. Life was glorious until the bare-bottomed babe could no longer resist temptation. Despite her better half’s warnings and threats to sleep in a tree, she tasted the forbidden fruit. One bite of that seductive, juicy contraband and the stage was set for eternity— a nibble that has blossomed into an endless supply of tiny tidbits that divide lovers to this day!

Taking a cue from the naked explorers of authentic sin, Clash of the Couples is a new anthology featuring a collection of completely absurd lovers’ squabbles and relationship spats. Think couples fight over kids, sex, and money? Think again! Furniture, the last beer, and where to store the placenta are what genuinely ignite our feuds. And no argument is off limits. This book has it all!

Inside you’ll find a gut-busting compilation of stories such as: “I Can’t Believe You Ate My Sandwich,” “Never Assume Anything,” “Only I Can Talk About Me,” and “You Want Some College Boobs?” from forty-three fearless writers. Prepare to laugh, roll your eyes, and shiver in suspense. While Eve may have had the first bite, we ate the whole tree. And made pies.

Published by Blue Lobster Book Co., Clash of the Couples launches loudly and obnoxiously on November 3, 2014. You’ll hear us coming, but look for it on Amazon, B&N, Apple, and other places where you typically buy books. For instant updates, follow along on Facebook!

The lineup includes:

 

Win a myCharge!

myCharge Giveaway

Out of energy!

No energy — I wish they made a myCharge for dogs.

Hi Humans, Sophie here. I know I have told you before how Mama is really boring, and how she is always typing on her light square computer — the same one I’m using to talk to you now. I wish she would play outside with me, or even just give me more cookies, but she is always staring at a screen. When she is not staring at this bigger screen, she has a little one she keeps in her pocket. Even when we are outside, she can stop throwing the Frisbee and talk to people. They must be tiny if they fit in there.

Sometimes, Mama says that her light square is “out of juice.” I think that means the battery is dead because that is when Mama makes dinner or lunch, or some other food. I like food, so I’m good with that. Last week, Mama got a myCharge and now her pocket light square stays charged FOREVER. Like, seriously, it never stops working now. She still makes food and stuff, but it takes her longer because she stops and plays with the little computer. I wish they made a myCharge for dogs because I get tired after a full day of guarding the house. If you want a myCharge, you could try to win one. Here is how.

To keep you charged and connected myCharge is giving 3 lucky winners each an iPad mini with a myCharge HUB 6000 portable charger! The amazingly compact Hub 6000 features built-in cables and connectors for smartphones, tablets, e-readers and more. Get up to 27 hours of additional talk time for your devices, as well as integrated, quick-charge wall prongs. The Hub series is commonly known as the “Swiss Army Knife of portable power devices.

myCharge HUB6000

 

Additionally, 40 winners will each receive an Energy Shot compact portable charger for their smartphones that delivers an additional boost when you need it most. They come in a variety of styles and can give you up to 10 hours of talk time! (Please note, smart phone not included in giveaway).

 

myCharge Energy Shot

Stay out of the red! myCharge is here to keep you charged and connected! For more information on products visit the myCharge website or follow them on Facebook. You can find myCharge products available at retailers such as Target and Kohl’s.

Fill out the entry form below September 15, 2014 – October 15, 2014 for your chance to be one of 40 winners to receive an Energy Shot Charger (10 winners randomly selected each week) and one of 3 grand prize winners randomly selected on October 15, 2014 to receive one iPad Mini with a myCharge HUB 6000 portable charger. Entrants must be at least 18 years of age or older, must live in the United States and have a valid shipping address. See giveaway form for complete list of rules and details.

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This is a sponsored post from myCharge.

“You should never hit anybody about God.”

“He shouldn’t hit me. You shouldn’t hit me about God, Mamma. You should never hit anybody about God—”

The Conversion of the Jews

Philip Roth

religion allI was in my classroom at Bonita Springs Middle School. I taught drama, or at least I tried to. I was horrible at classroom management.  School started at 9:35, and it was before my first period class. A kid, Tyler, ran in and said, “Miss Petty, I know it’s the JAPS!!” I was so confused. Tyler was a good kid, and I did not suspect drugs.  I thought he was just, you know, acting for me. Then, he turned on the TV in my class, and my jaw dropped. We kept that TV on all day. All I wanted to do was leave and get my son from preschool, but we did not dismiss early. It was the day after my 30th birthday. Suddenly, being 30, wearing a size 8 (which was “fat” for me at the time), and having too many bills for my salary did not matter.

When I could leave for the day, I picked up my son, who was 4 and very much unaware of what had happened.  He wanted to have dinner at McDonald’s.  After all, they had a playground, toys, and fries.  What more do you need in life?  I didn’t take him to McDonald’s.  We drove through, instead.  I was afraid to sit with my son in a public place.  I was afraid that some crazy person would walk in with a bomb, or Anthrax (the poison, not the band), or a gun, or something.  So, we drove through and ate our fries at home, where I felt safe, but still wondered how far I was from a military base, a power plant, or any possible target for terrorism. I still think like this whenever I go to an amusement park.

I did not show my son that I was afraid.  I did not cry. This morning, twelve years later, I finally cried about 9/11.  I was watching the Moment of Silence on the Today Show.  The screen was split, with people in New York on the left and Mr. and Mrs. Obama, Mr. and Mrs. Biden, and a lot of other people in Washington, D.C. on the right. There was a woman in New York, with brown curly hair; maybe you saw her.  She started crying so hard that she had to lean on someone.  I thought, “She probably lost someone that day.  Maybe it was her husband, or a sibling, or a cousin, or a friend.  She lost SOMEONE.” That is when I cried.  That is what it is all about really.  People are getting killed over differences of opinion.  Seriously.  People are real.  They bleed.  They die.  We should not “hit” anyone about God or Politics, or anything else.

Note: This post was originally posted on 9/11/13.

Is Mother Sick Enough to go to the Vet?

Humans,

I’m a little concerned about Mother. She is usually the one who takes care of us, but she is acting strange. It seems like she might need to get in a carrier and be taken to the vet. Of course, Father would need to do this, as the woman is a bit heavy in the haunches. I don’t believe I could lift her. And heaven forbid if she urinated in the carrier like I have done. What a mess that would be. Perhaps, she can just get better at home. Let me tell you what is going on with her.

First of all, she is not speaking like she normally does. She is making paw gestures to her throat and using fewer vocal noises. She didn’t even hiss or growl at the yippy white dog when she went canine crazy when the boy’s friend came over. Mother just sat there and looked at Father, and he corrected the creature. I’m glad he did because that dog gets on my nerves.

Another odd thing mother did was sleep with me for two hours on Sunday. Normally, the woman does not sleep during the sunlight hours. I don’t know how she avoids naps, but she usually does. Yesterday, she lay down with me on the couch and let me burrow under the covers with her for a long time. I was glad to do it, as I can be very soothing to Mother. Still, it was out of character. I purred until the poor woman went to her twitching phase. She must be chasing birds in her sleep.

I've been spending a lot of blanket time with Mother.

I’ve been spending a lot of blanket time with Mother.

She has been swallowing strange brown and white pellets. She winces when she does this, and says she hopes it helps. I doubt it. She also drinks a stinky drink from a really short cup. It makes her make a face like the one I make when I smell another creature’s excrement on the floor. You would think she would just bury that stuff in the litter box instead of drink it.

Mother is blowing fluids from her nose. It’s really gross. She grabs small white squares and makes horrible, monster like noises, while emptying her nose into the square. It’s really quite frightening. I run away from her when she does this.

Mother’s skin feels warmer than usual. I noticed when I was cleaning her arms that they were quite warm. Even though she is warm, the woman shivers under a blanket as though it is winter. I know that if I took her to the vet, the nurse would put that stick in her bottom to find out how warm she is. That is never pleasant. They should just lick the poor woman’s arms.

What do you think, humans? Should I get Father to attempt to put her in a carrier and cart her off to the vet? I have never seen an illness quite like this one. I’ve never seen a cat or dog have anything like this. The boy has had this and he got better. I wonder if mother will be back to normal soon. Please tell me what I should do. Until I know she is better, I will keep watch over her.

Thanks for reading.

Picabo

 

Snarky Facebook Friend Island

Last month, Huffington Post published my 10 Tiresome Facebook Friends blog and it ended up being really popular. I was stunned and thrilled all at once. There were 135,000 likes, and 22,300 shares, along with 729 comments.  Before I read any of the comments, I braced myself because I had heard how harsh HuffPo commenters could be from other bloggers. I’m pleased to say on this particular piece MOST comments were awesome. The MAJORITY of people got that I am a HUMOR blogger and not a CNN reporter. They knew that my piece was all in fun and they even played along with me by adding their own Facebook Friend clichés.

Then, there were those people who did not get me at all. They thought I was being serious. For real. Some readers, like six of them or something, thought that I had not figured out how to remove annoying people from my Facebook feed and I was just writing to complain about my horrible friends. One lady (I use that word instead of humorless bitch) told me I was a “bully” and I would regret this when I “came face to face with god.” My eyes nearly rolled right out of my head.

I don’t remember all of the other critical comments, but they mostly just told me to unfriend these people or remove them from my news feed etc. Thanks for the tech support guys! The most memorable negative comment was from this poor woman who lives in a town where Applebee’s is a five star dining experience and Walmart is the mall. No wonder she is angry! She said, and I quote:

“Please don’t take this the wrong way ( well , I really don’t care how u take it , u did open the door) In my opinion , u really don’t need to be on a social network . I mean if these friends of yours bother you so much ( u know the ones YOU friended in the first place) why not ..wait for it … UNFRIEND THEM .. they are not your friends in the first place or you would not be running them down. Right ?? You should be on a desert island ..yep thats right ..that way no one can insult that marvelous opinion you have of your own wonderful self and you can talk to the only intelligent person you know …you ! Ok ..got that off my chest .. you have a nice night now ..ya hear…from ” glad I’m not your friend’”

Yes, that is a direct copy and paste from her little comment box. She was probably super pissed about the “Speak and Spell” friend on my list. Obviously.  For that I owe her an apology, maybe, or not. Actually, I owe her a big thank you because, you know, she is right. I DO need my own island, and not because I hate everyone, but because I am a hermit. So, I started thinking, if I could have my own island, what would it be like.

Well, it would have a lot of cats and kittens, and they would all live inside. So, there would need to be cat houses surrounding my big purple mansion. I don’t mean THOSE kind of cat houses. ; ) Seriously, I hate when people let cats roam outside, so I am damn sure not going to do it. The cats would have air conditioning, plenty of fishy food, and a ton of catnip. I mean, why wouldn’t they? It’s an island.

My island would also need a Super Target. I could get anything I needed there: groceries, clothes, electronics, books, etc.   Since I would be alone on the island, everything would be free. How awesome would that be?

I would need a roof over my island to keep me dry when I’m outside. I hate rain, and islands tend to get a lot of it. I wouldn’t want a dome because Stephen King has given me nightmares, but I would need something like a big, island-sized awning. They probably sell one on Amazon.

I would need a dock and a ferry. I would want people to visit me, even if they were Baconators or Monsanto Warriors. So, they would need a way to get to my island. Once in a while, I may want to visit the mainland, too, you know, if I needed to go to the Apple store or something. It’s not like I would use a PC on the island. A boat of some sort would be a necessity.

I guess there would need to be a power plant or a ton of solar panels. I would need electricity to run the air conditioning and charge my Macbook, iPad, and iPhone.   I would probably want to have a microwave and stove, oh and a refrigerator. Just because I’m living on an island does not mean I want to give up my first world comforts. As my husband tells everyone, my idea of roughing it is staying in a hotel with only basic cable and no room service. It’s true.

Assuming my purple mansion is fully furnished, I can’t really think of anything else I would need on my island. I feel like I’m missing something, but that is probably because I have not had enough coffee today. What about you? Would you want your own island? If so, what would you absolutely need on it? Let me hear from you in the comment section.

Hawaii

You can tell I’m a snob just by looking at my resting bitch face. I’d need a bigger island than that one.

No Labor Day for Dog Guards

Maltese

No holiday sweater needed for Labor Day.

I noticed something odd today. Mother, father, and the boy slept until after the sun was bright. I found this unusual because this is the third day in a row that this has happened, and the decorated tree is not in the living room. By my toe calculations, the family gets up before the sun and is in a hurry to leave the house without me and the other furry creatures for five days. Then, there are two days where there is a lot of noise in the yard and the humans nap on couches while humans chase balls around on the large light square.

I happened to hear Mother tell the boy that it was “Labor Day,” which meant he didn’t have to go to school and they didn’t have to go to work. From the sounds of it, humans get a day off on Labor Day unless they do any work involving food because Mother talked about getting some Chinese food. So, they must be working at the Chinese restaurant. Chinese food frightens me because of something I read on Facebook. I won’t go into details here.

I don’t cook food, but I also can’t take the day off since I must protect the family. If you have read my blog you know that I am a canine secret agent. So, I must continue my duties, as the family will no doubt do more foolish things since they will have their guard down. Father has even been known to set fire to a metal square outside and place perfectly good meat on it. This is highly dangerous and I bark at him when he does it. The man could burn his paws off.

Since Sophie is outside with Father a lot, and since she has been given the gift of size to make up for her lack of intelligence, I will continue to train her as my backup guard. I’ve been working with her since she was a puppy. Here is a training film from one of our first sessions.

As you can see, my work will never end. Thanks to Mother for narrating the film for me. She got my thoughts exactly correct. You will all be happy to know that Sophie does at least use the restroom in the correct place now.   She is still far from being a proper dog. Where did they find her?

Well, I’m off to lick the kitchen floor in hopes of finding a morsel of dropped potato salad, or maybe even a forgotten chunk of hot dog. As usual, I have received nothing but my standard issue dog food.   Some holiday!

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