Help, Dr. Drew!!

Mark Zuckerberg is my drug dealer.

 OK, before Mr. Zuckerberg, or I should just call him Mark as he is a good 12 years younger than me, hires a lawyer and sues me for slander or whatever, I should mention that I have never actually met MARK or purchased illegal mood altering substances from him.  In fact, I’ve never purchased anything from him, as Facebook is free. 

 I am addicted to Facebook.  I really don’t know how I got through the first 36 years of my life without knowing what everyone from high school is doing on a day-to-day basis.  I mean, Laila has a cold right now and I’m able to tell her that I hope she feels better.  Without Facebook, I wouldn’t know about her agony or her cough.  I also know that Susan is into some strange Japanese art, peace signs and Audrey Hepburn.  I know that Carrie is questioning her financial decisions and that Mike likes his beer and barbeque.  Shannon is in Hawaii and I am really jealous of this. This is all information that I certainly could not live without. 

 Also, I get to share my life with 200 of my closest friends.  What? These people are my best friends.  Any one of them would give me a kidney tomorrow if I needed one, right?  Right?  HELLO!!!  Anyone there?  Ok, how about bone marrow?  Would you guys do that?  It doesn’t hurt that bad; come on.

 Anyway, I’m sure that these 200 people look forward to my posts about my stomach issues, what I ate for dinner, and what I think of Charlie Sheen. After all, my opinions and daily activities are of the utmost importance to all.  I’m sure that Debbie refuses to move from her computer until she is certain that my cats are still jumping up on the kitchen table even though I have tried the spray bottle technique.  Cory wouldn’t dream of going to bed unless she was absolutely certain that I was not planning on taking Zyrtec anymore and may need to start drinking herbal tea so that I could actually sleep.  People need to know that I hate board games and that I think people who snort bath salts are complete morons.  They need to know this stuff!!

 I get a lot of my news on Facebook because other people who actually read or watch the news post reports for me.  Well, they are probably not posting things just for me.  For example, I just learned that Elizabeth Taylor died.  So, I did the polite thing and reposted the article so that others would also know.  Remember when people used to read newspapers?  Now, by the time I get a newspaper, I already know all of the news.

 This Facebook thing it truly worse than crack.  I check it on the computer and on my phone every day.  I have only gone one day without checking Facebook, when my husband dared me, and then, when I looked at it the following day, I had an unholy amount of notifications.  It was like I had Facebook make-up work.  So, from now on, I will just stay on top of things to avoid the pile-up. 

One thought on “Help, Dr. Drew!!

  1. I should mention that I originally posted this like a year or so ago. I am getting rid of my Salon.com blog, and moving over to WordPress. So, I’m going to be moving all of my stuff. This, obviously, is not new. : )

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