OK, so I watched the debate last night. I have to be honest; it was painful. Everyone was interrupting, which irritates me, and poor old Jim just could not keep order. So, after months of seeing headache-inducing commercials, receiving propaganda in the mail, and reading all of the ever so helpful Facebook snark, I have decided who I am voting for in November. Me.
Yes, I’m going to vote for myself. I would officially run for president but I’m a little short on cash at the moment, like millions short. Plus, I’m pretty sure that it is too late to officially campaign. So, I think everyone who is reading this should just write me in on Election Day. I know what you’re thinking. “Excuse me, short, sarcastic woman, why should we vote for you?” Well, I’m glad you asked. Vote for me because I will do an awesome job, and here’s how.
I’m bringing funny back. Yeah! There will be laughter in the White House. Seriously, we are too serious here in ‘Merica. Laughter is the best medicine, or so they say (WHO is they?), so let’s have more of it. Every press conference would turn into an evening of comedy. Journalists would be required to tell a joke before asking me any questions. I figure this way people won’t mind having all of their favorite shows disappear for an evening.
Speaking of evenings, State dinners would get a heck of a lot less formal. Yoga pants and fluffy slippers would be the expected dress code. Anyone arriving in a gown or tuxedo would be required to change into something with an elastic waist. Yoga pants may or may not have sequins, depending on the preference of the guest. Cats would be invited to attend with or without their “owners.” Just kidding. We all know that cats ARE the owners.
Cats?! Yes, there would be at least a hundred cats in the White House. What? It’s big enough. In turn, we would need to hire caretakers for the cats, which would create jobs. Heck, we could turn the White House in to an official cat shelter and build a big cat house in the back yard. Scratch that last part.
We would not longer go to war — unless you count the times when we would send Clinton, Stacy and the whole What Not to Wear crew to random foreign countries. Yes, we would have them wear bullet proof vests just in case someone gets a little to upset at the 360 mirror. Seriously though, who couldn’t use a makeover? Am I right? Make fashion not war, people.
So, since we would not be spending so much money on developing new ways to blow the bejesus out of other nations, we would have plenty of leftover cash. This money would go to education and health care. We would probably still have enough money after that to balance the budget. I’m an English teacher, so I would need to get accountants involved with this, but I’m pretty sure it would be that easy.
So, this Election Day, please vote for me. Clearly, I have things all figured out.