All My FAKE Boyfriends

Like a lot of women out there, I have my list of fake boyfriends.  They are celebrities or characters from TV shows and movies.  In other words, none of them are real people, and that’s why I call them FAKE boyfriends. It’s totally frowned upon to wink at your gun holster-wearing neighbor while he’s out walking his dog.  Yes, I really have a neighbor like that, and no I do not wink. EVER. I don’t even make eye contact.  Anyway, it’s different, and more acceptable to flutter your eyelashes at a Greek God in a yogurt commercial because you will likely never be seated next to him on a plane.   Ah, one can dream. So, without further delay, here are my fake boyfriends in order of physical attractiveness.

 John Stamos

 I’m pretty sure John Stamos bathes in the blood of kittens or something.  Seriously! How else would someone stay this attractive for so long?  I have loved (I use the word love very lightly here) John Stamos since I was a pudgy 12 year-old who watched General Hospital daily.  I used to sit in front of the TV, munch on Cheetos, and stare at Blackie Parrish (Stamos’ character on GH) play the drums, or talk to Frisco, or just breathe.  The man breathes beautifully.  Unfortunately, he doesn’t speak beautifully. 

I have watched a few interviews with John and, well, he’s just not that bright.  He should really just not talk.  He should just strike poses and allow middle-aged women to admire him.  Well, he should probably allow all women to admire him.  I know young ladies who like him, too.  I also think John should be bred, like a stallion or prize-winning goat.  All that beauty should not just die whenever John hawks his last yogurt.  Scientists need to breed him with another beautiful, yet not so bright creature, maybe a Kardashian or a Hilton. 

 Rob Lowe

Rob comes close to being perfect.  In fact, he would be perfect if he had not had that little tryst with teen girls a while back.  That was just icky, Rob.  Anyway, he is gorgeous, and he probably purchases his kitten blood from the same dealer as John.  While Rob is a close second to John in the looks department, he is actually intelligent.  I know this because I read his memoir, Stories I Only Tell My Friends.  Here is a link.  Yes, there are pictures.

Had Rob not gotten his first movie role as Sodapop Curtis in The Outsiders (See, I actually READ the book.), he was going to head off to college to study some sort of science that only super smart people get degrees in.    I’m an English major, so I don’t remember the specific field, but Mr. Lowe was going to become Dr. Lowe in something impressive.  Robert Downey Jr. went to high school with Rob, and was (before hard drugs) also super smart. 

 Robert Downey Jr.

Robert Downey Jr. is incredibly easy on the eyes.  Though, I imagine that the drug use probably added some years to him, and it’s also what puts him in third place.  I’m not a “let’s go out and get wasted” kind of girl, and my boyfriend shouldn’t be like that either, even if he’s fake.  I’m super proud of RDJ for maintaining his sobriety this long, though.  Good job. 

The other thing that puts Robert in third place is his eye color.  Hey, if he’s my fake boyfriend, I can be picky.  I’m partial to people with dark hair and light eyes.  For the record my husband is bald with green eyes, but he used to have brown hair.  Robert is a brown-eyed boy, and that is OK for some, but if I’m building a perfect boyfriend, he needs green eyes.   Blue would be a distant second.


 I’m pretty sure Sting has blue eyes, but it’s hard to tell because they just blend in to his face.  Sting is a blond, and to me blonds just look washed out.  I’ve only had a crush on one blond person in my entire life, other than Sting.  If blonds are having more fun, I’m not sure why.  No offense, blond friends.  See. I said, “No offense.”  So, everything is OK now. 

I “love” Sting for his mind.  He is a former English teacher, and he knows how to write real lyrics.  I also read Sting’s memoir, Broken Music.  This is an excellent read, with pictures, and it explains things like why Sting is called Sting.  I won’t give it away, but it probably won’t surprise you.

 Sheldon Cooper

 Sheldon is a good looking individual, but not as good looking as John or Rob.  I think his fashion style, which is part fifth-grader and part comic book geek, takes away from his looks.  I think Sheldon would look dapper in a tux.

Sheldon’s best feature, in my humble opinion, is his communication style.  Yes, abrupt and direct is a style.  I share this with Sheldon. Maybe that is why I admire it so much.  Really, there’s no reason to be indirect.  Just say what you have to say and be done with it.  Now that I think about it, Sheldon and I would probably break up in five minutes if we dated in real/fake life. 

 Forrest Gump

One word: loyalty.  Homeboy named everything Jenny, well, at least a fleet of shrimping boats.  What girl wouldn’t want that?  Seriously.  Another good thing about Forrest is he is simple.  You tell him what to do and he does it.  Sure, he would eat half of a box of chocolates before he gives them to you, but at least he would think to bring you chocolates.  Forrest is also easy on the eyes, especially in uniform.  He and John Stamos are on the same intellectual level, so even though he has a cute accent, Forrest would need to be a quiet boyfriend. 

 So, that is all of them.  They don’t buy me jewelry, take me out to eat, or know I’m alive, but I am still faithful to them, sort of.  I mean I am married and all.  So, I guess that is not being faithful, unless I’m a rock star or something. Rock star faithful is way different than normal people faithful.  I go to bed at nine, so I am probably not going to be a rock star.  I doubt I will ever be normal either.  So, I guess I should probably break things off with them.  It’s the right thing to do.  Sorry, fellas!

Disclaimer:  My husband knows all about my fake boyfriends, and he also knows that if Sting pulled up in a white limo right now and said, “Lisa, I simply must be with you.  Marry me.” in his awesome British accent, I would turn him down because I know that I already have the best husband in the world.  He only eats my chocolates after I open the box.

 No kittens were harmed in the course of writing this blog.


4 thoughts on “All My FAKE Boyfriends

  1. So tell me, Lisa – what year did you finally give up on George Michael? Please tell me it was before the incident at Will Rogers Park (1998?). I thought of you when it made the headlines and I prayed you were dealing with it well.

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