I went to a party last Saturday night. No, this is not the beginning of a Lita Ford song. I actually went to a party on Saturday night. It was a lovely birthday party for a woman who is as nice as she is beautiful and smart. You know; one of those people you can’t even hate for being gorgeous. Anyway, the food was great, the drinks were interesting, and the people were nice. Well, MOST of the people were nice. Yes, I’m talking about you cat hater woman.
I really liked cat hater woman at first, before I knew of her feline issues, even though she “demanded” a show when she found out I used to do stand-up. I hate when people do that. I QUIT doing comedy seven years ago. Demand all you want. It ain’t happening. Once, she accepted that, she was great to talk to. She has two teenagers, and I have one. So, we had that in common. I didn’t quite catch her name because it was noisy and I have the hearing of an eighty year-old. I thought it was a feminine version of a popular male name, but my husband informed me that it’s actually the name of a liquor that rhymes with that. Either way, it’s a stripper name, but I wasn’t thinking that yet. I still liked her.
I didn’t even say anything when she stood there, in a somewhat thin, linen, halter jump suit (think Miami disco club circa 1977) and complained of being cold. I was thinking, “Do you not have the Weather Channel, or local channels, or a door, or windows that you could consult before getting dressed?” But, believe it or not, I held back. Kept my mouth zipped. We were having a great talk about kids and their horrible boyfriends and girlfriends. We were mom bonding.
I don’t know how the subject of cats came up. We were probably talking about my new Black Lab/Great Dane 50-pound puppy when I professed my love for cats. Knowing my irritation with the moose dog, this is probably how it happened. She replied with, “I hate cats.”
This always throws me when people say this, but I’m used to it. Most people I have met love dogs. A lot folks have this false belief that cats are not friendly. I WISH my three cats were a little less friendly. This belief is why so many cats are in shelters, and are euthanized. Though I have heard many people talk about not liking cats, I had never really asked someone WHY the hatred. So, I asked liquor name stripper girl, “Why?”
I was expecting a real answer about a horrific childhood experience about how she lost a beloved pet hamster to the hungry jaws of an alley cat. I got, “I don’t know. I just really hate them. I would run one over if I could.”
I had to hold my breath not to physically reach out and either grab her by the top of her halter jumpsuit or choke her, or both. There were so many things I wanted to say to her, like:
- Are you aware that the host and hostess of this party have two cats that they love dearly?
- Did you know that if I ever became a millionaire one of the first things I would do is build a GIANT indoor cat sanctuary and save as many cats as I could for the rest of my life?
- RUN ONE OVER??? What the hell is wrong with you?
- How can you hate an entire species? Are you one of those idiots who think all Muslims are going to blow up a building?
- You have a stripper’s name.
- Put on a sweater if you are cold. Your shoulders aren’t all that.
- RUN ONE OVER??? Do you know who you are talking to?
I didn’t say any of that. I said nothing. I channeled the Dalai Lama somehow. It wasn’t my party and I wasn’t going to ruin it. I think she picked up on the fact that we disagreed on creating feline road kill and she excused herself because her husband was flirting with some young “short skirts.” I wonder why.