I’m not talking about intoxicants here. Believe me, everyone has one, whether it’s alcohol, carbs, fair food, or bad TV. I’m talking about the thing that actually bothers you like no other. In other words, what is your own idea of hell?
As a non-Christian/Buddhist/Ancient Astronaut Theorist, I don’t believe in hell. So, no, I’m not afraid I will go to hell. : ) On the other hand, as an academic, I’m able to look outside of my own belief system and understand other ways of thinking. So, I have frequent conversations with others about religion, politics, and sushi without having actual arguments. The other day, I was talking to my husband about the theory that hell is individualized, meaning it would be different for each person and include the things that bother them here on Earth. So, I started listing the things that would be in my personal hell. Here they are in no particular order:
- Screaming infants and toddlers –- Most people goo goo and ga ga over babies. They love them. They think they are beautiful. I think they look like little Buddhist monks in the wrong attire. Unlike monks, they are loud and way too needy. I like kids when they can talk and tell me what the heck they want. Using the restroom alone is also a plus in my book, for them and me. (Parents know what I am talking about here.) I enjoy peace and quiet, and I don’t speak tantrum.
- Puppies — Puppies are really cute, but when they are not potty trained and hyperactive they create a perfect hell for me. If I wanted to clean up poop, I would have a baby. At least they start to talk and use the toilet eventually. Plus, truth be told, I am a cat person. Nothing is cuter than a kitten.
- Extroverts in need of constant conversation — I work from home and spend most of my day NOT TALKING, or LISTENING. I LOVE that. I like reading and writing. If you need to talk, call your mom. Send me an email or a text message.
- Exercise for the sake of exercise — I dream of being skinny, but it’s not going to happen. Two things stand in my way. One is a love of salty carbs, and the other is a hatred of exercise for the sake of exercise. Whenever I am on the hamster wheel (elliptical) or exercising along with one of the 30 recorded Gilad episodes on my TV, I’m always thinking of other stuff I have to do, like writing a blog or working on that second novel. Unless I become a farmer or move to a place where I have to walk everywhere, I will stay this sort of medium-fluffy size. Whatever.
- Daily meals of odd seafood and mushrooms — I’m a picky eater. My teenaged son is more open-minded about food than I am. He and my husband have sushi dates because I refuse to eat “bait.” Yes, I’ve tried the California roll. I hate that, too. I also hate mushrooms. They are slimy and gross and remind me of frogs.
- Reptiles — My personal hell would have bouncing frogs and slithering snakes everywhere. If an animal doesn’t have fur and a stable body temperature, I’m not interested.
- Temperature fluctuations — I’m comfortable when it’s about 78 and sunny, with low humidity. Other than that, I’m either hot or cold.
- Ringing doorbells and other interruptions — I don’t like surprise visits, especially from people who are selling products or religion. For one, it interrupts my train of thought when I am writing or working on a project of some sort. Two, it forces me to talk to people. So, if you’re coming over, text me first. Don’t call. Ever.
So, those are the things that would be in my hell. What would your hell include? Leave me a comment. I love hearing from you all, in written form of course.