Dear Jehovah’s Witnesses who banged on my door like they were a SWAT team,
You made this introverted work at home mom jump. I was enjoying my second cup of coffee while still wearing my snowflake pajamas when you banged on the door at 9:00 am, and shoved a creepy brochure under the door when I didn’t answer. This was a loud, busting a meth house knock, not a friendly “Lets talk about Jesus” knock. If you scare the bejesus out of people, it might make it more difficult to get the Jesus in them. I’m just giving you a little free advice, just you like to give to so many people. Here is some more free advice.
It is 2013. A lot of people WORK from home. By BANGING on the door with your message of rapture, you are disturbing someone’s conference call or breaking someone’s concentration on a project. You did the second for me. Not only did your “knock” startle me, but also it startled my dogs. They barked their heads off at you the entire time you were on my block after you pounded on my door. Thanks for that. The large Black Lab/Great Dane eats her own poop. The next time you knock, I will open the door and let her kiss you. You’re welcome.
If there is a no soliciting sign on the door, don’t knock. Tuck your Bible and your
brochures under your coat and tiptoe away. I have a friend who used to be a Jehovah’s Witness. So, I know your trainers tell you that what your doing is not soliciting. Um, the dictionary disagrees. Here is the link to the dictionary definition. It doesn’t just pertain to selling something. Basically, it means to make a request or to bother someone. If you are making a request that I listen to your stories, you are soliciting. You may not understand this, but you bother a lot of people. I’m just trying to help you understand this.
If you are out there trying to recruit people who do not already agree with your philosophy, a brochure filled with Bible verses is not the way to go. As your friendly neighborhood Buddhist-thinking Atheist, I can tell you that the Bible is nothing but a book of stories to me. You would have better luck if you quoted something by Oscar Wilde. I wrote my Master’s Thesis on him. If you offered me a magical painting that aged for me, I’d sign up in a heartbeat.
If you are going to leave a brochure, step into the 21st Century with your contact information. While you do have a web site listed, your email link on that site does not work. You were going to get an email from me. Now, I will simply print this blog and SNAIL MAIL it to the address on your brochure. Perhaps, I should just have the Pony Express bring it.
I’m not sure if you watch the news or not, but a lot of people have been getting shot for silly things like trespassing. As I mentioned before, I have a friend who was a Jehovah’s Witness. He was disfellowshipped. (By the way, I’m told this is the only magical word that makes you go away. I am considering having it painted on my door.) Once, when he was an 11 year-old doorknocker, a woman pulled a gun on him. I guess she was more concerned with her Second Amendment Right to Bear Arms than my friend’s First Amendment Right to pester her with religious propaganda. This didn’t shock me. When you’re knocking on strangers’ doors, you don’t know who is behind that door. It could be someone with PTSD or it could be someone who hears voices telling him to kill the one who knocks, and I’m not talking about Walter White.
It’s been nice sharing my advice with you for a change. I’m off to make dinner now. My dogs have calmed down, but my blood pressure is still a little high from your “visit.” I think I’m going to need to add some vodka to my Vitamin Water and drink it from my Mickey cup, just to get back to my happy place.