Jehovah’s SWAT Team

Dear Jehovah’s Witnesses who banged on my door like they were a SWAT team,

Creepy Brochure
Creepy Brochure

You made this introverted work at home mom jump.    I was enjoying my second cup of coffee while still wearing my snowflake pajamas when you banged on the door at 9:00 am, and shoved a creepy brochure under the door when I didn’t answer.  This was a loud, busting a meth house knock, not a friendly “Lets talk about Jesus” knock.  If you scare the bejesus out of people, it might make it more difficult to get the Jesus in them. I’m just giving you a little free advice, just you like to give to so many people.  Here is some more free advice.

It is 2013.  A lot of people WORK from home.   By BANGING on the door with your message of rapture, you are disturbing someone’s conference call or breaking someone’s concentration on a project.  You did the second for me.  Not only did your “knock” startle me, but also it startled my dogs.  They barked their heads off at you the entire time you were on my block after you pounded on my door. Thanks for that.  The large Black Lab/Great Dane eats her own poop.  The next time you knock, I will open the door and let her kiss you.  You’re welcome.

If there is a no soliciting sign on the door, don’t knock.  Tuck your Bible and your

I ordered this one today.
I ordered this one today.

brochures under your coat and tiptoe away. I have a friend who used to be a Jehovah’s Witness.  So, I know your trainers tell you that what your doing is not soliciting.  Um, the dictionary disagrees.  Here is the link to the dictionary definition.  It doesn’t just pertain to selling something.  Basically, it means to make a request or to bother someone.  If you are making a request that I listen to your stories, you are soliciting. You may not understand this, but you bother a lot of people.  I’m just trying to help you understand this.

If you are out there trying to recruit people who do not already agree with your philosophy, a brochure filled with Bible verses is not the way to go.   As your friendly neighborhood Buddhist-thinking Atheist, I can tell you that the Bible is nothing but a book of stories to me.  You would have better luck if you quoted something by Oscar Wilde.  I wrote my Master’s Thesis on him.  If you offered me a magical painting that aged for me, I’d sign up in a heartbeat.

If you are going to leave a brochure, step into the 21st Century with your contact information.   While you do have a web site listed, your email link on that site does not work.  You were going to get an email from me.  Now, I will simply print this blog and SNAIL MAIL it to the address on your brochure.  Perhaps, I should just have the Pony Express bring it.

I’m not sure if you watch the news or not, but a lot of people have been getting shot for silly things like trespassing.   As I mentioned before, I have a friend who was a Jehovah’s Witness.   He was disfellowshipped.  (By the way, I’m told this is the only magical word that makes you go away.  I am considering having it painted on my door.)  Once, when he was an 11 year-old doorknocker, a woman pulled a gun on him.  I guess she was more concerned with her Second Amendment Right to Bear Arms than my friend’s First Amendment Right to pester her with religious propaganda. This didn’t shock me.  When you’re knocking on strangers’ doors, you don’t know who is behind that door.  It could be someone with PTSD or it could be someone who hears voices telling him to kill the one who knocks, and I’m not talking about Walter White.

MickeycupIt’s been nice sharing my advice with you for a change.  I’m off to make dinner now.  My dogs have calmed down, but my blood pressure is still a little high from your “visit.”  I think I’m going to need to add some vodka to my Vitamin Water and drink it from my Mickey cup, just to get back to my happy place.

11 thoughts on “Jehovah’s SWAT Team

  1. Hahaha! You tell them girl! I want that sign! The last Jehovah Witness ‘visit’ spooked the hell out of me. Don’t they already have their 144,000 or so exclusive followers to ascend to the Jehovah Witness-only clique in the after-life? Nest time I will make copies of my apologetics referral sheet for Catholics and hand out my own propaganda.

  2. This hits home haha my mother was apart of that group and made me go to their Church when I was younger. It was became the most irritating place in the world for me as I became older (and smarter/rational). My mother wanted me to get baptized through them, which to please her i attempted.. The one rule was: you have to go door to door. It’s a requirement. I refused. Said “you are inconveniencing people and I don’t like to inconvenience” besides, I’m a quiet one and I dislike having random conversations with folks that could potentially be Psycho.. whatever you were thinking, I was thinking. Besides, I was only 15 and did not feel safe doing that around the neighborhoods they wanted to invade. The lady said without fulfilling this requirement I would be unable to get baptized, I happily said “get out of my house and don’t come back” and told my mom to drop the nonsense because I renounce organized religion. Until this day I have not stepped foot in a church and do not intend to for religious purposes (weddings and such are exceptions). So yeah hopefully you can Pony Express the memo because they’re not listening. O_o Have a great one! -Iva

  3. Holy heck, Iva. I’m so glad you escaped that fate. Wow! I wouldn’t knock on doors even if they paid me to. It’s like these people don’t watch the news, or look at the calendar and realize it is 2013. I am going to print this thing and send it to them. I’m tempted to send some cat turds with it, but that would not be very Buddhist of me. 🙂

    1. Lol that’s the scary part Lisa, they DO watch the news and see what happens. The worst part is they “rationalize” it with a sense of “security” that God will protect them and if its their time it was what God had planned for them. The whole time I’m thinking: no you idiot, you put yourself in THAT position and it was totally preventable. So good riddance! LOL! I don’t think cat turd would be very Buddhist of you (which by the way is a beautiful religion – I always tease my mom that I’ll become a Buddhist) but I’m sure you’re not the only one whose thought of it either!!

      1. I had posted a picture of the brochure on Instagram, and a JW commented about how they weren’t soliciting because they weren’t selling anything. Um, check out the dictionary. She also said that I needed to read the Bible and open my eyes. Indoctrination is strong in this one. 🙂

  4. Just catching up on my blog reading. LOVE THIS! I especially love the lines: “This was a loud, busting a meth house knock, not a friendly “Lets talk about Jesus” knock. If you scare the bejesus out of people, it might make it more difficult to get the Jesus in them.” My husband (a non-practicing Catholic likes to point to my mezuzah on our door and say, “Thanks, but we’re Jewish.” This seems to work every time!

    1. I have a menorah on the shelf by my front door. Maybe if I hold it up to the Jehovah’s, they will back away, kind of like when they hold up a cross to a vampire in the movies.
      Thanks for reading!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s