Jehovah Stoppers


Well, if you have read this blog, or this blog, you know that like most introverts, I am a tad bit irritated with people who pound on my door to sell me anything, be it products or religion.  And yes, Jehovah’s Witnesses, you are indeed soliciting even if you are not accepting money (I have an inside source).  See ye olde dictionary for more details.  

While I don’t like solicitation calls, pushy sales people in stores, or overly eager acquaintances who just drop by, I really, really loathe it when people pound on the door to save my soul.  My soul and I are just fine.  How about yours; have you helped anyone today?  Anyway, in talking with others who also don’t want religious people showing up at their door, I have acquired a handy-dandy little list of Jehovah stoppers.   Here they are, in no particular order:

  • Answer the door nude.  I’m not likely to do this one as I am usually cold, and covered in two or three layers.  By the time I got everything off, they would already be running.  HMMM. Well, that would solve the problem.
  • Answer the door holding a large butcher knife (or OJ knife as we call it here in the cat lady house), with some sort of meat blood, and maybe a little bit of raw meat on it.  It helps to be wearing a robe, too.  Tell the door-knockers, “You’re just in time.  Do you want to help me sacrifice the goat?”  I’ve been told that it works like a charm.
  • Say you have been “disfellowshipped.”  My anonymous inside source tells me that they are not allowed to talk to you if you have been shunned.  You have to use the d-word though, so keep it on a sticky note near the door.
  • Say you are Jewish.  Apparently, according to the Jehovah’s witnesses, you are a lost cause, and may have horns on your head, if you don’t think of Jesus as the Son of God AND you avoid pork products.  Honestly, you’ve got to be evil if you are not eating bacon, right? I finally purchased a Menorah this year (I plan to blog about why I have always wanted to be Jewish soon), so maybe I will just keep it out year-round and hold it up to the JW’s when they knock. I wonder if they will run from it like the vampires run from crosses in movies.
  • Know the Bible and debate with them.  They will entertain you for a few minutes, but I am told that they leave quickly if they know that you know what you are talking about.

That’s all I have for you for now.  Please feel free to comment with more religion repellant methods.  As your token hermit friend, I have made it my life’s mission to avoid unexpected “guests” of all sorts.  Peace out and Happy Holidays!



8 thoughts on “Jehovah Stoppers

  1. Haha! Hubby actually stated they were interrupting a goat sacrifice in our basement at one of the numerous and obnoxious ‘visitations’ by these freakazoids. I had a Catholic (we are Catholic and do not ring door bells about it) sheet of explanations and references copied and ready for the next go-round from these freaks but my hubby answered the door and now he only feels sorry for the ‘witness’. I had just one month before been startled by this years long stalker ringing the door bell as I was just getting into the shower yet also expecting a possible visit from my sister. So in my robe and soaking wet, I opened the door to discover this elderly Jehovah stalker guy placing his idiotic pamphlets between the storm and front door. Oh did we both about jump out of our little slippers. Next up is a JEHOVAH WITNESS FREE ZONE sign as this cannot be tolerated any more. Police will be called next visit (if there is one after the sign) and a stalking claim will be issued. This has to stop!

    1. Amen, Debbie! My husband’a family is Catholic and they don’t pester anyone about it. I’m a believe in Tinkerbelle if you want, but don’t push it on me kind of person. It takes a lot of arrogance, or brainwashing to think to have the right to pound on someone’s door and save their soul.
      I like the sign idea!

  2. Ask about the phrase in Revelations that implies only the 199,000 men ‘undefiled by touch of women’ are allowed into heaven.

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