When the whole Mary Kay Letourneau story originally broke in March of 1997, I had literally JUST given birth to my baby boy. I sat there holding him and watching the news, and shaking my head. Only one thought crossed my mind, “If a creepy almost middle-aged teacher ever has sex with my son when he is 13, or any age less than like 30, I will cut her. She would not even make it to court, or jail, or out of the back seat of her mom minivan, because I would stab her.” Those were my exact thoughts, folks, because I am a mama lion.
Seeing as how I sit home in my jammies and talk to cats a lot, it can be assumed that I spend a LITTLE time on Facebook. It’s where my friends “are” and it is where I get most of my news. Earlier today, in my newsfeed, I saw that Mary Kay was arrested again. It was for something dumb like driving without a current license, but you know where my mind went. I immediately wondered whose innocent little boy she was trying to get to impregnate her now. Why can she not get run over by the Polar Vortex or something?
I know that was mean, and very not yuppie Buddhist, but Mary Kay just never stops being icky to me. She had babies with a middle schooler, you guys! Think about that. I used to be a middle school teacher. I never found my students to be possible, um, partners. Not only is it sick and morally wrong, but also middle schoolers are just not sexy.
First of all, have you SMELLED a middle-schooler lately? They either smell like rotting lumberjacks or cheap car wash deodorizer. It’s the age when parents have to force them to shower! You have to hold them down or roofie them to get them to put on deodorant. When they do take an interest in their own scent, they fumigate with Axe. Really, Mary Kay? That is what you found irresistible, lumberjack armpits and greasy hair behind a fog of aerosol?
If the odor doesn’t get you, the attitude will. I would rather sit outside in the negative whatever temperatures we have had here in Ohio than hang out with middle schoolers ever again. Ever. They are the most obnoxious individuals. I know this because I was one. Back in the day, before caller ID, cell phones, and helicopter moms, my BFF and I used to torment dorky kids and old folks with prank calls. Seriously. Mary Kay, did you sit there and laugh when Vili called your elderly neighbor to see if his refrigerator was running. So hot.
The barely teens are also big betters and darers, especially the boys. They dare each other to drink hot sauce and eat bugs. I hope Mary Kay drew the line when her lover wanted to make her son eat a jar of horseradish. Things get weird when your almost pseudo step-dad is in your class.
Mary Kay, I get that Vili is 30 now, and supposedly it’s no longer icky, but he became your, I’m going to vomit just saying this, LOVER, when he was 13. Why and how did you ever find him sexy? Was it because there was no Match.com back then? Please stay out of trouble, girl. I get the barfy chills when I see your name in my newsfeed.