A Letter to the Dog Who is Clearly NOT Mine

Great Dane Lab
See! You’re Daddy’s dog.

Dear Sophie,

Let’s just be honest.  You are not MY dog.  So, stop following me around like we are BFF’s.  We aren’t; OK?  Don’t get me wrong; I don’t HATE you or anything.  You’re a sweet dog; I just like the cats better.

The cats don’t chew the baseboards or the dining room chairs.  Seriously, why do you do that? You have oodles of toys.  You do not need to chew our house.  You act like you just quit smoking or something.  You constantly have to have something in your mouth.

The cats also do not eat poop, ever.  You actually tried to bring a frozen turd into the house today.  INTO MY HOUSE! What is wrong with you? That is gross, and unnecessary.  We have tried EVERYTHING to get you to stop, including giving you extra treats.  I feed you enough throughout the day to keep a small farm animal alive.  Well, at 74 pounds, I guess you ARE a small farm animal.

Dog with big sock monkey
I like you when you are calm.

My favorite thing about you, Sophie, and yes I have one, is that you are NOT allergic to peanut butter.  YES!  This allows me to stuff it in Kongs or those hollow bone things to get about 27 minutes of concentration time.  You see, Sophie, I work from home, and in order to, oh say, work, I need to not have to let you in and out of the back door every 16 seconds.  Really.  Pick a side of the door and stay there a while.

You’re probably thinking, “Work?  All you do is stare at that square thing.  You should chew it. That would be work.”  Actually, Sophie, if I don’t stare at the square thing, AKA work on the computer, you would not have as many nice toys to ignore while you are eating wood and poop.  Man, I wish they would just come out with a Nylabone shaped like a turd.  And without my square staring job, you could forget about the Blue Buffalo food and doggy daycare visits.  I do love those daycare days.  Sigh.

Halloween Kitty
This is cat for “I hate you.”

When you are actually here with me ALL DAY LONG, you could do me a couple of favors to help me concentrate.  First, stop barking at everything.  The wind has been blowing for millions of years.  Barking at it will not make it stop.  If that worked, the people along the East Coast would put you on the beach during hurricane season. Also, other people live on this street.  I’m not happy about it either. They, too, are dumb enough to have big dogs.  Those dogs are sometimes in their own yards.  Your barking at them is not going to make everyone move to a new neighborhood.

Another thing you could do for me is stop trying to be friends with Andre.  He simply does not like you.  He is NOT playing with you.  If he had opposable thumbs, I am certain he would jump on the counter, grab a knife from the block, and attempt to stab you.  Of course, you would probably think he was playing and would take off running with the knife and the cat stuck to your back like you were in some kind of big dog rodeo.

Great Dane Lab and Cat
Sunny Spot Truce

Thanks for reading, Sophie.  Now, if you could just keep chewing that gross dog bone you are busy destroying for the next few hours until daddy gets home, that would be dreamy.  You are DADDY’S dog.  The boy will be home soon to love on your for a couple of minutes, too.  Monday is going to be a daycare day for you, girl.  I think we both need it.

Hugs and Kongs, “Mom”


A boy and his dog
The boy loves you.

12 thoughts on “A Letter to the Dog Who is Clearly NOT Mine

  1. LOL love this – omg your pets are SOO cute. Your dog may be annoying but she is sooooooo precious, especially her eyes 🙂 I’m sure she won’t listen to a thing you just said but she’ll love you and follow you either way! Happy Friday Lisa! -Iva

  2. Our dog is a poop eater too. I wish I could just open the door and let her out and call her back in, but she starts trying to devour her homemade snacks. So we have to take her out on a leash. Wish is a real pain, when it’s rainy or we’re just tired. When I go outside to read, she cries to come out and be in the yard with me, but then I can’t read, because I have to watch her every second. And she inevitably starts eating her poop or the cats, and I have to frantically start yelling at her and everyone in the house: “Don’t let Mayzie kiss you. She just ate poop!” We’ve tried every solution we found on the internet, but nothing works. Let me know if you ever have success in this department!

    1. It’s like we are living the same life sometimes. We have tried EVERYTHING. I wrote a blog about that a few months ago and linked to it in this one. Nothing works. We’ve given up. We do have gates up to keep her away from kitty and Maltese (doesn’t go outside–potty pads) poop. So, at least she only gets her own sometimes. I do keep an eye on her when she’s out, but she still grabs one sometimes. I love cats.

  3. Hilarious, I heard MSG works in the dog poop eating thing. Considering it ourselves,…we have tried everything. Such a weirdo. My male dog never did that.

  4. Exactly the reason why I have 3 cats and not a dog, even though there have been 2 episodes when my cats have just stared at thieves that broke into my house, those were the only times when I asked them to grow up and act like dogs.

    anyways I would be glad if you could have a look at my blog, you see I am on a blog promoting spree!

    1. Hi there,

      Sophie is a huge dog, but she would lead the crooks to the jewelry in exchange for food. Now, Andre the cat would beat the crap out of them. I will check out your blog today.

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