For some reason, whatever great spirit there is, be it the universe, or the Great Pumpkin, or whatever you want to believe in, has decided that I must forever be one degree of separation from John Cusack, who I have admired since seeing him in Class a million years ago. I’m talking about the movie Class, not an actual class. I was not lucky enough to go to school with John Cusack. I have never met him, but I know people who have, and it makes me so jealous.
I have a friend, and former co-worker (I’m talking about YOU, C!), who lived next door to him on Malibu Beach. One time, while John was walking on the beach, she was out with her dog and, brace yourselves, JOHN CUSACK PET MY FRIEND’S DOG AND SAID HE WAS CUTE. OMG. I’m so jealous. If that had been my dog I would have preserved that spot of his fur with shellac or Press ‘N Seal. I would have never bathed the dog again. (Animal Rights People, I’m totally kidding about the shellac.) My friend moved to another state before I could fly my hermit behind out there, coat my pasty Irish skin in sunscreen, and sit on the beach with her dog for as long as it took to meet JC. How could she have done that to me? UGH!!
Now, I’m in this book review Facebook group with other authors. Basically, we read and review each other’s books on Amazon because you need reviews in order to sell more books, but you need to sell books to get reviews. It’s one of those vicious cycles. I just found out today that one of the people in the group is John Cusack’s cousin. For real! I’m about to jump out of my skin with envy.
I have always admired John’s acting, and I love his posts on Twitter. He keeps it real, and if you read my blog, you know I admire that in a person. While I was writing my YA novel, Misfit Academy, I pictured John as the father in the movie version. Yes, I was fantasizing about a movie version the entire time I was writing the book. I pictured taking my son and his friends, who helped me with the revision process, with me to the big premier. I even got all teary-eyed at how wonderful it would be. I mentally designed the huge, no-kill cat shelter I would build with the millions I would no doubt make from my Oscar-winning film. I would call it the Pussy Ranch (the cat shelter, not the movie), which would make it a top search result on Google. I have such big plans.
John, are you reading this? Will you please be the dad in my Misfit Academy movie? I just want you to produce and star in a movie of my book. I’m sure like a million other people have never asked you this, right? If you don’t like Misfit Academy, I am in the process of writing something a little more unique. It’s called the Lizard King Club.
Don’t worry, John. I’m married, and I love my husband. I’m not some crazy stalker chick. I am, however, a crazy cat lady (that explains the Pussy Ranch). So, if you’re allergic to cats, I guess I could be dangerous because I’m usually covered in fur. Even if you are allergic, it’s OK. I carry an Epipen and Benedryl in my purse at all times. I’m also equipped to handle a number of other ailments, like GAS. I’m including a picture as proof.
OK, I’m starting to sound crazy, even to myself, and that is saying something. Obviously, John Cusack is not reading my blog. He probably has better things to do, like stroll the beach and pet other people’s dogs, and star in movies and stuff. But, if you do know John, and odds are you do if you know me, show him this blog. We’ll put you down as a producer on the Misfit Academy or The Lizard King Club movie, whichever is made first. Pinky swear.