Fat Calves and long boots.
Nope! Not on these Dublin stubs.

Since my husband had a five-dollar birthday coupon for DSW, and since I need some short boots, and he needs sneakers, we decided to go shoe shopping.  As I marched my Dublin stubs (my legs) through the door, I eyeballed the long boots, even though I knew not to get my hopes up.  I have one pair of long boots, but I need my husband to help me zip them, as I have incredibly thick legs for a short, size 8 girl.  I’m talking legs that could protect you during a tornado.  My legs are the size of someone Richard Simmons would cry over. I don’t want to need help to put my boots on.  Coco Chanel’s entire reason for designing simpler clothes was so that women could dress themselves.  And I do love me some Coco.

My husband encouraged me to try on long boots.  He even got a pair labeled “wide calf” off the shelf.  Guess what? They didn’t fit either.  For real.  I’m a size 8.  I’m not skinny, but I am also not a rhino.  Seriously? They don’t make boots to fit me? I wanted to walk up to this woman who was much bigger than me, who had long boots on, and ask her where the heck she got them.

And it’s not a matter of losing weight, gym rat friends. Even when I weighed 105 pounds, I had thick ankles and calves.  I could not wear an ankle bracelet comfortably.  [Waves to mom’s side of the family, holding up middle finger] Thanks for the fat legs, guys!  It shocks me that some people actually get calf implants.  Really? You actually want big legs?

Steve Madden slippers
Steve! Steve MADDEN! Watch the clip!

I tried on some shoes and boots, and found a lot of things I did NOT like. I ended up getting a pair of Steve Madden slippers.  Because as your friendly neighborhood work at home mom and hermit, I need more slippers.  Whenever I see Steve Madden shoes I think of this scene in Wolf of Wall Street: STEVE MADDEN (FF to 1:30).

We spent some time being disappointed in DSW before we moved on to rolling our eyes at Kohl’s, where some Jackwagon left a dog in a car, even though it was TWELVE degrees out.  I reported him/her. After Kohl’s we had to stop at the grocery store.  Joy.  Then, when we finally got home, and started to cook dinner, the sink clogged, and flooded the entire cabinet area under the sink, and my husband sliced his finger open.  Really? First I can’t wear boots and now this?

Did I mention that I skipped lunch?

Here are all of the shoes I HATED:

DSW Spring
1960’s Havana dialed in on their rotary phone;they want their fashion back.


Roman Sandles
Caesar called. He wants his shoes back.
Silver boots
If C3PO rode a Harley
Rainbow shoe
Dude, where’s my bong?
Stripper shoe
The strip club called. I have to work tonight.
Tap dance
Wanna go to my tap dancing recital?
Foot binding
I am into foot binding even though it is not the 11th Century.

16 thoughts on “WTF, DSW?

  1. I have the exact same problem. I’ve been 200 lbs and I’ve been 137 lbs and have NEVER been able to wear long boots. I’m short and stubby and HATE that I can’t wear cute long boots. However, I have two girls who have gigantic Yeti-feet (thanks to their father). So none of us can ever wear the shoes we want. (stomps feet and pouts, IT’S NOT FAIR!!!)

  2. I love it! Even as a trimmer person, there wasn’t a boot that would ‘like’ my calf. Oh and the power of a longer boot! I can only imagine.

    1. DSW actually reached out to me on Twitter to try and help. They sent me and email address, so I wrote to them. I thought that was super nice, but I still don’t think I will be wearing long boots. 🙂

  3. Thanks, Kelly. As your friendly neighborhood hermit, I prefer animals to MOST people. I hate to see them mistreated.
    I almost went up to a woman with chubby legs and asked her where she got her boots, but I couldn’t think of a nice way to say, “Hey, you have fat legs and you’re wearing boots. Where’d you get them?”

    1. Right!? It reminded me of when I was in 8th grade and some kid had been calling me “pig lips” because of my full lips. My step-dad told me that some people got shots to make their lips BIGGER. WHAT? They are out of their minds.

  4. My 16 year old daughter has the exact same problem! Even rain boots are impossible to find. She’s 5’6″! Love your humor, I’ll be returning the pimping!

    1. Awesome! I got nervous when I saw “pimping” so close to “daughter.” Then I read your comment again. Big sigh of relief.

      I feel for your daughter. She’s going to have to stick to short boots. The good news is that she probably has STRONG legs.

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