Confessions From the Cat’s Desk

I’ve seen my mother staring at her lighted square and scribbling away, telling you all about our personal lives.  She wrote this letter to that big stupid dog a while ago, and told you all about how much I hate her.  I DO hate her, but I have a good reason.  The creature is frightening, and out of control.

Just look at how crazy she is.
Just look at how crazy she is.
I enjoy SOME quiet time with Sophie, at a safe distance.
I enjoy SOME quiet time with Sophie, at a safe distance.

I had mother make videos of the trauma that is my life, but you can hear the old witch laughing.  It’s terrible that my own mother finds this funny.  The dysfunction never ends around here.  Please click on the links to see the videos.  Some people think they are funny, but they clearly show how horrible my life is.
No matter how many times I try to tell her we are fighting, Sophie thinks we are playing. (VIDEO) I’m trying to keep order in my own house, and it’s seen as a game by this stupid creature.  She scares my brother and sister cats.  Morris and Boo Boo run away from this moose-like monster.  That is why I must be brave and fight her.

Not only do I fight her, I try to find ways to kill her “accidentally.”  I don’t have thumbs, so I can’t just grab a knife and stab her.  I have to use my brain instead of my manly brawn.

I try to block Sophie's access to food.
I try to block Sophie’s access to food.
I attempt to interest her in the trash, and maybe eating it.
I attempt to interest her in the trash, and maybe eating it. There has to be something toxic in there.
I eat her cookies.
I eat her cookies. They’re actually not bad.
I guard her chew toys so she will eat the kitchen chairs.
I guard her chew toys so she will eat the kitchen chair legs and die of splinter overdose.
Really, the beast scares me. So, I hide.
Really, the beast scares me. So, I hide. She will never find me here.
I still watch her, even when I am hiding like a coward.
I still watch her, even when I am hiding like a coward. I really should bleach my Hitler mustache.

Sophie is not the only stupid dog I must put up with.  There is a small white one, Lola, who has been with this family longer than me. Most people and animals don’t understand seniority anymore.  If someone has been in a place longer, they should get more respect. That’s why I put up with this abuse. (VIDEO OF MALTESE HUMPING CAT) You can hear mother laughing in the background on this video, too. Really.  Click the link and watch the video.

Aside from Sophie and anyone who works in the veterinarian’s office, where they try to stab me with needles and put thermometers in my fluffy behind, I love everyone. Since a picture is worth a thousand words, or some such cliched nonsense, I offer you proof. Though  I do have a Hitler mustache and a dislike for healthcare and large dogs, I am quite a lover.

Like most REAL men, I love my mother.
Like most REAL men, I love my mother. I get my looks from her.
I love my father.
My father and I share a love of naps.
I headbutt my human brother.
I headbutt my human brother. We’re both dashing young men.
Here I am playing with the boy.
Here I am playing with the boy. The girl took a picture of us.
I enjoy snuggle time with the boy's girlfriend.
I enjoy snuggle time with the boy’s girlfriend.
I enjoy the holidays with my feline siblings.
Christmas tree time with my feline siblings

14 thoughts on “Confessions From the Cat’s Desk

    1. And Sophie is a SWEET dog. If not, Andre would be missing a head by now. If you haven’t watched the video of him beating the crap out of her, you should. And yes, I laughed while filming it. 🙂

  1. Heaven knows what our cat would have said had she had the opportunity!! Thanks for a fun post and a well needed smile!

  2. Haha – I’d love to know what our cats would say about our dogs…well probably just one dog that thinks all cats should be his best friend. One cat is, the other three say “no dice.” I think this is just hysterical – love reading about other people’s pets! 🙂

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