Middleoffrickennowhere, Ohio

I almost shanked Robotica, my GPS, last week. My husband and I named her this because she sounds like a robot. Clever, huh? Actually, we have named every GPS we have ever had Robotica. This one is the one that came with the VW Jetta (we named her “Judy”) I got last summer. So, maybe we should call her Judy Robotica. Decisions, decisions.

I’m the type of person who would rather pee on the side of the road than drive on a congested highway with lots of bathroom options. Plus, there was a thunderstorm brewing, and I wanted to stay south of the storm. So, I wanted to take the more rural of the two available routes from my home to a conference I had to attend at Miami University (unfortunately, the one in Oxford, Ohio not Florida) for my day job as English professor. Note to my neighbors: I work for an online university. No, I don’t sell Amway or Mary Kay, and I would NEVER sell AVON. Yes, I’m really in charge of educating others while I wear Oscar the Grouch jammies. I know; it scares me, too.

Robotica is clearly trying to kill me. Not only does she give me exactly two seconds notice before telling me to turn or exit a highway, but she always wants me to take the crazy busy highway route to everything since it will get me there about two minutes faster. She doesn’t understand that I am an English geek, and I want to take the road less traveled like Robert Frost. So, for this trip, I relied on a map and printed directions until Robotica stopped telling me to make a u-turn and just recalculated like a good girl.

I’m not going to lie; Robotica was right. The rural way was a little scary for someone who grew up in the Fort Lauderdale area. First of all, cop cars were sixty-nined in medians on I-71 so they could easily start chasing someone in either direction. The cops were probably having lunch and talking about March Madness, but I still hit the brakes every time I saw them. The people behind me loved this as I was driving like a frightened hermit to begin with. I don’t get out much.

Only half of the trip was on I-71. The other half was through Deliverance. No offense to any readers who live in rural areas, but when you grow up in the city, the country can be scary. I’m used to my little cookie-cutter suburb (think Weeds without the pot-selling widow). On this trip, I drove through areas with churches, farms, cute houses, a state prison, crosses on the side of the road, and a TON of retirement communities. And what is up with the big red stars on houses? Is this a secret signal to Santa or something?

There were also a lot of buildings that could only be meth labs. I could tell by the boarded up windows and toothless folks standing outside. I wanted to take pictures, but I also wanted to live. I didn’t think the meth heads would kill me, but I knew I would end up driving through a lab, church, or elderly community while trying to focus my camera. Hey husband, you are driving me to my next conference in the middle of nowhere, even if you insist on calling me Miss Daisy.

The HIGHLIGHT of my trip was seeing a tattoo place that looked like it was built of Lincoln Logs. As I drove by, I wondered if they did a lot of tattoos of Honest Abe. I remembered that it was located in Trenton, Ohio so I could Google-stalk the place and get a picture. It turns out that it’s actually called Prodigy Tattoo Studio, and not the Lincoln Museum and Ink Place. The very talented and kind Jeff Davis owns the place. If you know me or read this blog, you know that it is my goal to be that last untattooed person in the world so that my corpse will be preserved and put on display in museums. Anyway, even though I am untattooed, I know art when I see it. Go to the Prodigy site and check out Jeff’s work. He was nice enough to send me a picture of his “Lincoln Log” location since I have not learned to take pictures while driving yet, but I have learned to find people on Facebook. Thanks, Jeff!

I’m home now. It ended up being a great trip because I got to see some co-workers. When you work online, you don’t really see the people you work with very often. When it was time to drive home, I decided to just follow Robotica’s directions and take the more urban route. Of course, the bitch took me the back roads way. I give up.

Note: April is Keep America Beautiful Month on Dropcam. If you are a blogger and would like to write about your part of the world, visit https://www.dropcam.com/home-security .

©2014 http://prodigytattoo.com/
©2014 http://prodigytattoo.com/

12 thoughts on “Middleoffrickennowhere, Ohio

  1. Hope the conference was fun 🙂 Robotica is a pretty accurate name 😛 What do you teach? I presume something along the English Arts 🙂 Happy Monday Lisa! -Iva

    1. I really liked seeing my co-workers, Iva. Usually, my only co-workers are cats and dogs, not that there is anything wrong with that. 🙂 I hope it is warm and sunny where you are today.

    1. My Robotica is not chatty enough. I mean, Siri does a better navigation job, and that is saying something. WHY can’t the GPS have an “avoid the ghetto” option?

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