Dear Kitty,

I’m pretty sure that’s your name cuz Mom always yells, “Leave my kitty alone” when I try to play with you. Anyway, Lola told me about that blog you wrote about me. I can’t read, but here it is: Mean Kitty Blog . You confuse me, Kitty. I have a lot of questions about you.

Lola told me that you said I was crazy and you were trying to kill me. If I’m the crazy one, why are you the psychotic murderer? I don’t want to kill anyone except my toys, but even I know they aren’t real.

I know why you are so mean and it’s not cuz of anything I do. Mom says it’s cuz you have trouble pooping. I’d be mad too if a bunch of poop were stuck in me. That would mean I couldn’t eat it. Poop is yummy. So, why don’t you just poop?

I think you also get mad cuz everyone thinks you’re a girl. You want to be all manly and stuff, but you’re just too pretty. Being a girl is the best though, so you shouldn’t be mad. Why aren’t you just happy to be pretty?

You confuse me, Kitty. You wag your tail at me, and then you hit me. If you don’t want to play, don’t wag your tail. Are you trying to trick me with your tail?

I also don’t understand why you sometimes sound like air is leaking out of you. Are you a balloon? Mom says you sound like a snake when you do that, but we live in Ohio, so I don’t know what a real snake is. I’m going with balloon.

Why do you always try to steal my daddy when he’s paying attention to me? Mom always says you are her favorite. She thinks I don’t hear her, but I do. So, just sit with mom and let me have daddy.

Kitty, you make my head hurt. I need to go lay down. Just be nice or just don’t hit me, OK? I just want to play with you, and maybe sniff under your tail a little.

Love and Poopy Kisses,

Sophie

Not “Big Stupid Black Thing” like you call me