Costco – For When You Really CAN’T Poop

My husband and I went to Costco for lunch today.   No, we didn’t buy a huge hot dog or pizza there; we just walked up and down every aisle and accepted any and all samples. We love going to Costco because you can get a lot of unique products in huge quantities. However, today we learned that there are some products we hope we NEVER have to buy in bulk.

I can’t even imagine what kind of impacted poop emergency a person, or rhinoceros, would have to be experiencing to need not only the huge double pack of Miralax, but also six Fleet enemas. If I am ever SO backed up that I need anything like this, I hope my head just explodes from the pressure and I die instantly.

Miralax and Fleet
Please kill me if I ever need this HUGE combo.

To prevent such an emergency, you could simply buy 190 servings of Benefiber. Oh, cool! No gluten. Plus, it’s “great for cooking.”  Look out, kids.  Don’t eat my spaghetti sauce. I’m going to pick up some right now.

Benefiber
Gluten free!! I wonder if it mixes well with vodka.

Of course, if nothing else works, you could just buy a pack of 400 rubber gloves and go digging. I didn’t see a huge jar of Vaseline anywhere. Costco may want to rethink their product placement. Gosh, I hope my boss isn’t reading this.

Kirklans Nitrile Exam Gloves
Neato! You can use them on the car, too.

After all of the Miralax, Fleet enemas, Benefiber, and rubber glove treatment, you may very well need a LOT of Preparation H.

Preparation H
Obviously, some marketing genius named this product. I wonder who tested A through G.

Be careful: If you use too much Miralax, Fleet, and Benefiber, you may end up needing about a gallon of Pepto. Good news! Costco has that.

Pepto-Bismol
It even comes with some shot glasses.

While you’re waiting for the Pepto to work, you may need some protection, just in case.

Depend Underwear
They must be fancy if they’re French.

After all of this, you may need these.

Butt Wipes
Sometimes, even Charmin is just not gentle enough.

 

Once you stop running to the bathroom, you may be hungry. You’ll want to stick to a bland diet. So, why not buy five pounds of matzo? If you don’t eat it all, you could always build a house out of it.

FIVE pounds!
FIVE pounds!

 

15 thoughts on “Costco – For When You Really CAN’T Poop

  1. Lisa I’m all by myself in the computer room cackling like a witch! “What’s so funny and why are you doing that Wicked Witch Cackle?” comes the inquiry from the front room. “It’s a regularity thing.” I replied. Silence.

  2. Hilarious. There were days during my pregnancy and during potty training that I could have used that quantity of some of those products. Thank goodness those days are behind me. (Get it? Behind? Sorry. I’ll stop talking now.)

    1. I love you, Kim!!! And Costco does too. I hope all is ok now. As someone who can’t stop pooping, my hat is off to you and the other bulk Miralax purchasers.

  3. Well, I still think you should mention this to your kids when they are complaining about being bored and not having enough stuff. “Mommy broke her ASS to have you. LITERALLY!” 🙂

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