“Shitty at Sales Job Introvert”

This is my shitty Macy's sales gal look.
This is my shitty Macy’s sales gal look.

My blog stats interest me more than gluten and calorie free Twinkies. (Does such a slice of heaven exist?) They tell me what countries readers are from, what entries they are reading, and what search terms lead them to me. I’ve seen some amusing search terms, but this one really inspired me: shitty at sales job introvert.

I immediately felt sorry for the person who entered that into Google. I imagined a young guy with bills to pay. He’s obviously worried about his crappy sales job, so he can’t sleep. He decides to go looking for real information on why he just can’t sell those cars, newspaper subscriptions, Life Alert systems, or whatever. He is looking for some kind of expert advice. Instead, he finds me. Poor guy.

Well, Mr. Shitty at Sales Job Introvert, today is your lucky day. I’m going to share one of my own “shitty at sales job introvert” stories with you. It probably won’t help, but at least you will know you are not alone.

Let’s go back to Miami in 1990. I had just moved back from FSU to go to FIU,  live at home, and be able to see my boyfriend almost daily. Read more about my first year of college at FSU (insert tomahawk chop) here. I needed a job, and Macy’s actually hired me. Back then Macy’s was still fancy. Now, it’s like what J.C. Penney used to be before they became Sears, and Sears became K-Mart. So, I was kind of excited to work at Macy’s because I would have an EMPLOYEE DISCOUNT. I could buy Guess Jeans and Liz Claiborne everything at 20% off. Woo Hoo!

I had been a cashier at the two jobs I had in high school – Publix and Woolworth. I had no idea what it meant to be a SALES person. I learned quickly. At Macy’s, at least back then, sales associates had to EARN their salary in commission. So, my commission rate was 6% and my hourly salary was 5 something, and I worked about 30 hours a week. So, basically, I had to sell enough merchandise so that 6% of my total sales equaled my base salary. I would do the math for you, but math makes my head hurt. I rarely even met my quota, which means I really never earned anything above my base salary. In short, I sucked.

Anyway, I was totally shitty at my sales job because not only was I an undiagnosed introvert, but I was way too honest. Seriously, when people asked me how something looked on them, I would tell them the truth. If someone asked, “Does this dress make me look fat?” I would answer, “Well, it’s not really flattering on you.” And I worked in the JUNIORS department, people. You don’t make teen girls cry AND make good commission.

As an introvert, I also sucked, and still suck, at being competitive. I just don’t care about winning, no matter what it is. I worked with two FT sales women. One was trying to look like a Barbie even though she was short and stubby like me. She constantly told me of her need to pay rent through her plump, glossy red lips. The other one was a shark from Brazil who spoke Spanish, Portuguese, and English.   So, there I was only speaking English, still living with my parents, and not giving a crap about selling stuff. I lasted about nine months. The highlight of my time at Macy’s was meeting Pia Zadora. She used to shop there. I doubt she does now because, as I mentioned, Macy’s is not what it used to be.

So, Sir Shitty at Sales Job Introvert, I have some advice for you. Get out! Run! You are not meant to be in sales. Go get a nice office job somewhere, or a bank job — something where you don’t have to push anything on anyone. You know you don’t have the energy for it. Trust me, you will be able to sleep better.

3 thoughts on ““Shitty at Sales Job Introvert”

  1. Same here – I was not built for sales work AT ALL. I am too passive and could care less about your “needs”.. not my problem just gimme money. I have tried several sales job to no avail because I couldn’t grasp their mentality of competitiveness and eagerness to sell. I didn’t have it in me. They would always try to “sell” you their ideology and I never bought into it: from insurance, to random coupon books, to Victoria’s Secret.. I’ve tried to sell all but cars really and hated every minute of it. Well, except VS because I requested to be put in the backroom, loved it there! 🙂 I have my cushy office job now with one work from home day and trust me it’s the best! Limited client interaction and it’s all computer stuff so I’m at peace at my desk 95% of the time with a team of introverts who mutually understand that alone time is happy time. When we need to communicate we use chat and email – it’s HEAVEN! 🙂 Glad you’re in a WAY better position now and question: how did you get a gig as an online professor? I’m SERIOUSLY interested in the future becoming one ever since you mentioned that’s what you do!!! Hope you’re having a great Memorial Day weekend Lisa! -Iva

    1. Hi Iva,
      I’m glad you found a great job now. To be an online professor, you have to get a Master’s degree in something that would qualify you to teach a lit of other courses. So a degree in English, math, history, psychology etc. Then, you usually have to teach on ground to get some experience. Then, you just apply at various schools with online programs. I can give you contact information when you need it.

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