Ten Tiresome Facebook Friends

Andre and his Hitler mustache
Andre and his Hitler mustache

Note: This post is also on The Huffington Post.

Recently, I announced that I am going to stop filtering myself. Yes, readers, I HAVE been holding back. I know this is frightening. It frightens me, too, but I do need to be more honest in my writing. I’ve already been pretty honest when speaking. I have seen people’s faces twitch when I say something brutally honest. It gives me that warm Christmas feeling. So, in the spirit of communicating like Sophia on the Golden Girls, here are some Facebook friend clichés, along with sample statuses, found in EVERYONE’S friend list.

Concrete Charisma — nothing but eight pack ab gym selfies all the time. They also post “facts” about how carbs are evil and everyone should eat an entire cow every day. He or she always has a recipe for brownies made out of organic cat shit and black beans, or some such nonsense.

“Just ate a quarter of a teaspoon of mashed potatoes. I need to do a complete colon cleanse and double my gym time.”

Sportsy McSports Sports — Every damn day there’s another post about “the game” or “that player who got traded” or “tickets to the game.”

“Somebody smack the ref. WE had the ball on the 29th down. Beer!”   We? I don’t remember you getting off the couch, suiting up, and playing, Mr. Sportsmeister.

Lookin’ for Love in all the Wrong Places — You know this person; you may be related to him or her. You very well may BE this person. There are telltale signs like numerous baby daddies/mamas, a lot of hangovers, and a few court dates. These people are always in love — for real this time.

After years of procreating with psychos, I have finally found the one. He has 13 kids with 19 women, no teeth, and he’s unemployed. Cupid has hit me hard with this magical arrow.”

Because Jesus – We all have that religious friend who is always asking for “prayer warriors,” or posting the “Share if you are not afraid to say you believe in God” memes. I’m not afraid; I just don’t believe. And what the heck do prayer warriors look like anyway? Do they wear suits made out of gold plated Bible pages? Is there glittering war paint involved?

“Praise Jesus for these wonderful tater tots. Truly blessed.”                                                       Yeah, about 40 people are going to unfriend me for that one.

Speak and Spell – This person needs one, and a first grade grammar primer. STAT! For the love of Dick and Jane, have they stopped teaching basic punctuation and spelling here in ‘Murica?

“ru going to county fare if so cn u give rid”   WTF does that even mean?

Crazy Cat Lady—She is just one cat picture short of having whiskers tattooed on her face. You know the woman sits on her couch day and night, stroking cats and talking to herself.

“Andre has a Hitler mustache but he is still mama’s baby.”   [Raises hand and hides face in shame.]

The Baconator – All this person posts about is — wait for it — bacon. That is all. He (it’s always a he) probably eats ice cream out of a bacon bowl, with bacon bits on top.

“Here’s my recipe for salad. Bacon, bacon, and bacon. Lol”

Mr. President – This person blames the President for everything from gas prices to erectile dysfunction. “Mr. President” should just run for president since he has the same know-it-all attitude of your average 16 year-old mall rat.

“I just stubbed my toe and spilled my Mountain Dew on my unemployment check. Thanks, Obama.”

Monsanto Warrior – You swear this person probably never eats because EVERY food is toxic. He or she probably pulls around an IV pole to avoid any GMOs or pesticides, ignoring the possibility of toxins from the plastic IV bag.

“DO NOT eat carrots. Monsanto has created carrots that will make you grow goat ears and squeal like a pig.”

Manic Mom – This mom has her kids in at least 27 STRANGE activities, and that is just on Tuesdays.

“I’m painting my nails and sipping a quad espresso, skinny, vanilla latte while the kids are at their trapeze artistry with watercolors lesson. Today, they’re hanging upside down and re-creating a Monet.”

Well, I’m off to check my friends list. I’m sure at least 9 people have defriended me already. The others haven’t figured out how to defriend on the Facebook phone app. What other types of Facebook friends do you have? I know I missed some. Let me hear from you in the comments section.

Yes, bacon bowls are real.
Yes, bacon bowls are real.

65 thoughts on “Ten Tiresome Facebook Friends

    1. Darn it, Mike, now you’ve seen a picture of what you’re getting for Christmas. Wait. Do you already have one?

    1. I’m insane. That is all. My son often asks me if I’m drunk. I’m usually not. [Shaking my head at myself.]

      I can’t wait to see you again so I can hug you!

    1. GIRRRLLL, I love me some bacon. I’m looking forward to going out with you and our hubs in a few weeks. Let’s have lots of bacon.

  1. Great post! How about the “Watching The Sun Set” wine moms and the “We made It To The End Of Another Week” whiskey dads? Neither is an alcoholic, but even if they fail at everything else all day/week long, their favorite goblet/clear mug is cleaned, iced, and ready to rock and roll. – said the Manic Mom (guilty as charged and hating the need to speed from one activity to another)

    1. YES!! We could do a whole other post just with the various food and drink people. Where are my quinoa peeps at? 🙂

    1. Thank you!! I ❤ you, too, lady.

      I miss Dick and Jane books. And Spot. Don't forget they had a dog named Spot. I think he may have run from time to time.

  2. I Baked a Humble Pie and Donated It Mom – Feigns humility over declaring (repeatedly) the perfection of her offspring. Is the reason Crazy Cat Lady has a bumper sticker that reads, “My Cat Hates Your Honor Student.”

    “It isn’t like me to brag, but gotta shout out to my sweet [insert tag to named offspring], who’s working her fingers to the bone on a sustainable energy school project in Cambodia; Congratulations, sweetie, just got word you won the Nobel Prize for being the best kid who ever lived on the face of the earth! Wish you could be here to celebrate!” [insert status: “Feeling like I just pretended to be humble; oh, and sorry, Susie, I heard that your kid is repeating 9th grade for the 5th time and that really sucks for you.” *smiley emoticon*]

    (Perhaps I should’ve posted this comment anonymously? Nah. 🙂 LOVE your writing and sense of humor!)

    1. Well, my little Hitler Andre loves everyone, even your honor student. If your honor student becomes a veterinarian or a huge dog, all bets are off. He tries to kill his doctor and our dog Sophie daily.
      LOVE your “status.” LOVE IT!!!

  3. Lisa!

    This is perfect! I love the humor in all of the anger! I feel the same way about a lot of my ‘Facebook Friends’. I need to let go of some my my inhibitions and let my true feelings come out! You my friend, have paved the way for truth in blogging!
    XO
    P.S. I am racked with jealousy that you, Foxy & Parri get to hang out at BlogHer.

    1. I wish you were going, too, Pattie. I think of you and your super nice husband every day. You are the kind of people who restore my faith in humanity. Blog U15! 🙂

  4. Lisa!!! The Sophia slant is magnificent! My eldest son is a baconator… figure him for a heart attack around 45. All the rest… yep… got those too… you tool the anticipatory set to a high water mark today <– Teacher talk for relating to you audience.

    1. I love bacon, too, Diana. That’s why we only buy the turkey kind at Costco. I would drink bacon grease in a Martini glass if that were socially acceptable.

  5. My Life Is Always Wonderful and I am Totally Fabulous That girl who posts selfies every single day of her & her cleavage in varying levels of appropriate / inappropriate dresses, attending cultural fundraisers and schmoozing with the who’s-who of movers and shakers in the city. Because life is always a gift and every moment should be seized – especially those moments in NYC, London UK, Vancouver, Toronto, and the Caribbean.

  6. Just too funny –

    Guilty of being a – speak and spell clown – my Hopkins friends accept my excuse of being – Florida edgumacated

    hopefully you will continue to define –

    like those fine folks that facebok friend you then never send you a message.

    Or

    like those that follow you on facebok but never comment never call never post on thier own page but if you catch them on the street – they finish your sentences.

    Or

    like these over like’rs – If you use the word epic for everything it kinda loses its gusto – plus some situations require a little more than a thumbs up;

    Keep us laughing

    1. Yes to all of that.
      I love the Facebook stalkers. They never comment on a thing, but know what is going on with you.
      Oh, the Florida education system. It’s one of the reasons we moved away. 🙂
      I’m guilty of over liking. That was on the list, but I wanted to keep it to ten.
      Thanks for reading, Chris.

  7. Please Read My Daily List of Problems and Give Me Attention, ASAP!
    Every day, they’re exhausted, have pounding migraine headache, haven’t had a bowel movement in weeks, or their dog is puking again (if they can’t think of an ailment for themselves without repeating).
    “Again?! I thought my sinuses were clear after I nose douched six times yesterday. But today I woke up and my eyes were encrusted with mucus. I guess I’m headed to my ENT this afternoon after my gastroenterologist appointment this morning (helping me with my fiber problem, another blockage). Ugh! When does it end?” {subtext: give me sympathy, and advice so I can tell you I’ve already done everything you suggest, twice…eliciting even more of your sympathy}

    Okay, that is all. Really needed to get that off my chest. Thanks for opening the forum of truth telling! 🙂

    Oh, and check out my blog, if you’d like: similar sarcasm and hard truths, but on the subject of online dating: http://www.onlinedatingtherapy.com

    1. I will definitely check out your blog. I speak fluent sarcasm. 🙂
      Yes, I defriended a couple of give me attention; my life is so hard people. I can’t stand them.
      Nose douched! Love it!

  8. Love this so much I posted it on Facebook! lol Hope you don’t mind, some of my peeps need to see themselves in this lol

    1. I liked the 13 kids with 19 women part. I don’t have any of those kinds of “friends”, but I do have one that refers to a “baby daddy”. (I realize I’m a little late to the party, and I am thoroughly amused. Maybe because its 9:01 am, and I haven’t been to bed. I doubt it.)

      1. Oh wow! Are you traveling? That’s a rough night. I have a few multiple baby daddy and baby mama friends. They need to be spayed or neutered. 🙂

  9. OMG – this is hysterical and spot on. I have every one of these. Some of them overlap. Like, my best friend from college is a crazy cat lady, religious, pet fanatic. I love pets too – I have 3 dogs and a cat, but I finally had to tell her to stop with the graphic Save the Animals posts. I have one friend who is adamant about his bacon habit. This is hilarious. I bookmarked it to read again.

    1. Thanks, Linda. I have the overlappers, too. I have a Mr. President Bacon guy and a Jesus Mc Sports Sports. 🙂 I love them all. Different strokes and all.
      Thanks for reading and commenting!

  10. Omg Lisa, you had me crying laughing! It is so spot on! I would like to add the “I take selfies in my car when I should probably be watching the road” person and the “I am the first woman ever to get pregnant so I must make clever posts to reveal the sex, etc” oh oh and the vaguebooker posting shit like “I give up……” and there’s always an excessive “……..” and they are just waiting for someonto ask whwhat’s wrong. Ok I lied, the “play-by-play” person who checks in everywhere throughout the day- bathroom, therapist, gyno, their bed.

    1. Sarah,

      I think we could, and SHOULD write a book on this! What about Passive Aggressive Meme poster? I like the road video makers, too. Just fucking drive when you’re driving. AMIRIGHT?

      Please tell me you are going to Blog Her.

      Hugs,
      Lisa

      1. What about the teen meme poster? I have two. They’re my teen granddaughters. Instead of ignoring their memes, I point out misspellings, punctuation errors and how illogical the saying is. Two can play the annoy-me game. heh, heh!

      2. I love this Fonda! Yes, why do all of these dramatic memes have horrible grammar and spelling?

  11. When will I ever learn to not be drinking something when reading your blog! Just spit coffee all over my bacon and quinoa!

  12. Praise Jesus for these wonderful tater tots….bahahahaha! You KNOW I especially enjoyed that one! Also, what the what? Bacon bowls? That looks delicious. This was hilarious – you definitely nailed all the FB types, nice work!

    1. Thanks, Ashley. We all have these friends, along with combinations of the different types. I have a Mr. President Baconator. 🙂

  13. YES. Why does everyone have these friends? Are we all living the same Facebook life? Monsanto must somehow be to blame. They probably use smartphones to inject GMOs into our eyeballs…for Obama…in defiance of Jesus…

  14. You forgot the Paranoid, know-it-all, new mom!
    Every mother that has ever lived has never gone thru what she’s going thru, and she knows all the proper ways to swaddle and pin cloth diapers are the best because: HELLO ENVIRONMENT!
    Heaven forbid you like a Facebook page about moms or kids that she hasn’t….yet…. Dude, I should set a timer, I’m sure she’s breaking/setting speed click records..

    1. Yes! I love those moms. I like to watch them switch to Pampers and bottles after the first week of breast feeding and washing cloth diapers.

  15. The Cliffhanger- ‘OMG, I cannot believe that just happened!’ Or, ‘There’s something big happening in our family, right now!’ Or the worst is when the Because Jesus and Cliffhanger meet, “I don’t want to go into details, but I need prayers, now!!” I refuse to comment on any of those!

  16. I might be a bit of a Monsanto Warrior… 🙂 But it’s because I think they’re evil incarnate, not that their food is necessarily dangerous.

    Vaguebookers. My brother is Sportsy McSports Sports, but he also regularly posts shit like, “Time to take a step back”. Alone. With no reference. WTFISTHAT?! That’s all he posts. Sports and vaguebooking. But he’s my brother… CHOICES ARE HARD.

    But the very worst is the Perfect Life people. They post pictures of their happy family on their perfect vacations. The kids are all clean and clothed and smiling. The parents look well-rested and happy. Other posts are about Honour Rolls, the teacher calling to tell them that their child is the reason that teacher keeps on teaching, and advanced mathematics performed by 4 year olds who like spinach.

    1. The vague bookers drive me nuts! Just say it or shut up! That’s my motto. Maybe we should put it on a shirt and make millions. 🙂

    2. Vauge bookers drive me nuts too. You never know if their mom just died or if they broke a nail! And of course they sit and wait for 58 people to ask what’s wrong and then usually they say they can’t talk about it yet. If they have good news they post something like “I can’t give you the details yet, but the best thing ever is about to happen. I’m so excited!” Then it turns out their spouse is going to sell Watkins or something.

      1. I don’t know who or what Watkins is, but I KNOW this person you speak of. I’m related to her. 🙂

  17. I want to post on someone’s page nearly every day “It’s Facebook, not your diary.” I don’t care that every single day at work was the best one ever because of your amazing co-workers. I don’t need you to check in every time you are at the grocery, the coffee shop, your dentist, etc. I don’t need a run-down of all the housework you did, what you are watching on TV, who is there with you. And for Pete’s sake, if you just woke up and you are running late and you have a ton of things to do, don’t take the time to post it, get out of bed and do it!

  18. OK, I promise I’ll shut up after this one that I haven’t seen mentioned yet: The Family Feuders. One of them posts a photo of their kid in some kind of program. This is followed by the estranged parent posting something like gee, I would have gone if you’d invited me. this is followed by something like I just found out about it today, back off. Or there are the vaugebookers/family feuders who post things like “One year ago today, I was betrayed by someone in my family and I’ll never forgive them.” One of my ex in-laws posts things about my brother-in-law all the time like “I see someone has money to go to the movies but not to send money to help out his daughter.” Just go on Jerry Springer already.

    1. THAT right there, is one of the best blog comments ever. Please tell me your kids are hanging upside down and painting a Monet.

  19. Hahahaha! I so want a bacon bowl. My favorite are the cryptic message people. “Sigh…I guess I’ll just stay home and cry tonight.” Ok? Wtf? Lol.

  20. OMG, too funny. I’m sharing this on FB to see how many people I can piss off. I also love the ones that are all, “Oh, I love him so much! He was sent here from God to be with me!” and then the next day they break up, hate each other, post all about it, then get back together and start all over. FB is to me as soap operas are to my grandma.

    1. YES!! You know the type. I had a FB friend like that, and I had to unfriend HIM. It was so annoying. The pattern was “in love”, “pregnant”, and “going to court.” Yes, social media is my “stories” for sure.

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