I have witnessed my sisters and brothers use Mother’s light square to talk to you all. In my position, I’m no stranger to technology, but I’ve been trying to avoid telling my story because it will blow my cover. You see, I’m not a dog in the regular canine sense. I’m a Designed Operational Guard, or DOG for short.
You may not realize this, dear humans, but you all go about your lives watching your noisy story windows and eating Cheetos (I do love when Mother shares Cheetos) without noticing the dangers that surround you. I follow my mother more than the other humans, as she appears to be the queen bitch. I mean this in the regular canine sense, not in your silly human way. Every time mother moves, I fall in behind her to vocally alert her to such dangers as:
- Invisible evil spirits that make the trees move.
- Other humans approaching our territory.
- Small humans near the property balanced on numerous things with wheels.
- Suspicious canines shouting propaganda in the grassy areas near our home.
- Feathered drones, armed with white poison, landing in the trees to spy on us.
- The uniformed agent who places unknown items in a box near the property.
Whenever I alert Mother to these dangers, she uses her angry human voice and says something that sounds like, “Shut your pie hole.” I’m not entirely sure what that means as I have never eaten nor defecated pie. The woman is not easy to guard due to her harsh temperament and the fact that she is constantly moving from room to room and saying things like “vacuum” or “pig sty.” I have trouble keeping up in my standard issue short legs. If only headquarters had thought to give me longer legs with optional wheels. I will continue to alert mother, even though she does not appreciate it. It is my duty and the woman clearly needs my help as she does many dangerous things, like:
- She leaves the home without a leash or the protection of a crate.
- She opens the front protective barrier when strange humans make ringing noises.
- She sheds her fur and bathes ON PURPOSE.
- She refuses to eat feces for the extra vitamins.
Aside from protecting mother, I have other duties. Here they are:
Clearly, I have my work cut out for me. I’ve been on the job 10 years, and I will continue to serve and protect. You probably doubt my might based on my size, but I will have you know that I am the tug-of-war champion in this house, even when I oppose Sophie, a moose-like traditional canine. She is not a trained guard like me, but I use her as backup. I leave you with this video evidence of my might.