Undercover Maltese

I have witnessed my sisters and brothers use Mother’s light square to talk to you all. In my position, I’m no stranger to technology, but I’ve been trying to avoid telling my story because it will blow my cover. You see, I’m not a dog in the regular canine sense. I’m a Designed Operational Guard, or DOG for short.

Here I am, undercover as a stupid dog in a dress.
Here I am, undercover as a stupid dog in a dress.

You may not realize this, dear humans, but you all go about your lives watching your noisy story windows and eating Cheetos (I do love when Mother shares Cheetos) without noticing the dangers that surround you. I follow my mother more than the other humans, as she appears to be the queen bitch. I mean this in the regular canine sense, not in your silly human way. Every time mother moves, I fall in behind her to vocally alert her to such dangers as:

  • Invisible evil spirits that make the trees move.
  • Other humans approaching our territory.
  • Small humans near the property balanced on numerous things with wheels.
  • Suspicious canines shouting propaganda in the grassy areas near our home.
  • Feathered drones, armed with white poison, landing in the trees to spy on us.
  • The uniformed agent who places unknown items in a box near the property.
My true identity
My true identity

Whenever I alert Mother to these dangers, she uses her angry human voice and says something that sounds like, “Shut your pie hole.” I’m not entirely sure what that means as I have never eaten nor defecated pie. The woman is not easy to guard due to her harsh temperament and the fact that she is constantly moving from room to room and saying things like “vacuum” or “pig sty.” I have trouble keeping up in my standard issue short legs. If only headquarters had thought to give me longer legs with optional wheels. I will continue to alert mother, even though she does not appreciate it. It is my duty and the woman clearly needs my help as she does many dangerous things, like:

  • She leaves the home without a leash or the protection of a crate.
  • She opens the front protective barrier when strange humans make ringing noises.
  • She sheds her fur and bathes ON PURPOSE.
  • She refuses to eat feces for the extra vitamins.

Aside from protecting mother, I have other duties.  Here they are:

I guard my older sister Boo Boo.
I guard my older sister Boo Boo.
I am a professional slipper warmer.
I am a professional slipper warmer.
I take harmful food away from the cats, for their protection.
I take harmful food away from the cats.
I protect father from Mother's image gathering machine.
I protect father from the image gathering machine.

Clearly, I have my work cut out for me.  I’ve been on the job 10 years, and I will continue to serve and protect. You probably doubt my might based on my size, but I will have you know that I am the tug-of-war champion in this house, even when I oppose Sophie, a moose-like traditional canine. She is not a trained guard like me, but I use her as backup. I leave you with this video evidence of my might.



8 thoughts on “Undercover Maltese

  1. Well initially tonight, I did not know my cousins are famous and my friend Lola and Sophie made it onto Utube, my cousin Chris is the father that is protected by Lola and I am proud to say I belong to them! Even though my cousin, the blogger (I won’t mention her name) is a FAMOUS BLOGGER, she doesn’t really realize at heart she secretly is a dog lover, along with cats, poops of all kinds, and has an iron stomach, along with a gluten intolerance. She makes me laugh, and at the same time, cry, she married the man of her dreams, which is also the woman of his dreams, and behind it all, she too made me famous, just because we are cousins!! I love these blogs as they take away from my everyday dog who asks to go out and then shits downstairs in the family room. He steals foods as I turn my back and then looks at me with those McDreamy eyes, like, what??
    Thanks to my 2 cousins for making my Sunday night simply another evening of laughter!! Love you all!!

    1. Well, I don’t know. Love is a strong word. I love my family, including the cats. I tolerate the dogs. 🙂

      I love you, Mary!!

  2. Lola,

    I understand your frustration. Humans are very strange creatures, and we can but do our best with them. I have been guarding “mom” for almost 14 years, and she acts as irrationally as your pack leader does. Not only that, but I have to constantly tell my brother, the Schnauzer, what to do as he is not the brightest creature in the house. One good thing: I no longer have to clean up the poo in the yard since I trained the Schnauzer to do that for me.


    Your cousin Lizzie

    1. Lizzie,
      I hope to be guarding when I’m 14, too. Sophie tries to take my job from me, but I put her in her place. I’m the alpha here. Well, right after Andre the cat.

  3. Lmao Sophie isn’t even phased by her. She’s like ‘oh you’re here too?’ – so adorable. 🙂 At least you are entertained while you work! Happy Monday Lisa -Iva

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