People of Costco

Coffee anyone?
Coffee anyone?

I hate Walmart. Even just seeing the People of Walmart site makes me want to stick cat claws in my eyes and bathe in Benedryl cream. The place just smells of tornado flattened trailer parks and untreated STD’s. So, when I need to save a buck or five, I go to Costco because it’s a lot less nasty. Plus, they give free samples. With free food and a surprising lack of toothless grown-ups in pajamas, Costco is as close to heaven as I care to get right now. Seriously, if they had wine tastings, I would never leave. Costco has an amazing selection of food, clothes, appliances, furniture and just enough walking stereotypes to keep things interesting. Here are just a few examples of folks I saw on my last trip to Costco.

Hellishly Hung Over — You’ve seen that one guy who obviously didn’t get to sleep off his drunk from last night. He usually has a cart full of diapers, a case of imported beer, and huge Polish sausage from the snack bar. Sometimes, a woman wearing a baby papoose and a smirk is following him.

Express Expectations — That overly tanned couple in gym clothes who just came in for a case of water and are annoyed that there is no express lane.  They stand there wearing faces that say, “WHY the fuck are these people buying so much?” Because it’s Costco, not Walmart, meatheads.

Pop and Pop – There are always those rather large people with a case of Diet Coke and a dozen bags of Skinny Pop in the cart.  Head over to the produce section and start eating healthy things. That chemical shit storm you have in your cart will not lead you down the path of fitness. Ask the bottled water people.

Home Depot Houdini — He’s that poor SOB trying to load a refrigerator into his minivan while his wife scowls and holds their first grader on her hip.  Sometimes the child is strapped in the car already and the wife pretends to help. Either way, you feel sorry for him because Home Depot would have delivered and installed it.

Painfully Awake – This person has nothing but huge amounts of caffeinated beverages in his cart. There may also be one of those lifetime supply bottles of B-vitamins. You just want to give this person a hug and a nap.

Incredibly Constipated – This is the person who actually buys all of the huge laxative products that I wrote about in this blog.

Very Vitamix – Who else buys 26 pounds of Kale, 14 baskets of Blueberries, a stalk of rubarb, and well, a Vitamix? You know this guy probably does not buy the decade-sized Miralax.

Domestic Zoo – If you’re not hoarding animals, you don’t need 52 pounds of dog biscuits and two drums of cat litter. (Hides face and raises hand)

Crime Scene Cleaners – If I see people buying 12 gallons of bleach and a case of Febreze, I’m going to turn down all invitations to their house.

I would love to hear from you. Who do you usually see at Costco? I’m assuming that you go to Costco because it’s awesome.


18 thoughts on “People of Costco

  1. You should check to see if you have a Total Wine and More in your town – they do free wine AND beer tastings! Plus, they have every type of wine, beer, hard liquor and mixers than you could even imagine. I spend hours in that place…and I don’t even drink wine or beer! (You’ll notice I didn’t mention hard liquor :))

    I also love Costco – because…free food! My Costco sells the cutest little chicken coop that I covet. I live in the suburbs – not in an area zoned for livestock – but I can just imagine collecting fresh eggs every morning. My neighbors are alarmed.

  2. I think you ARE Erma Bombeck… cleverly disguised as a misplaced Floridian. You truly have a gift for looking at the world through all of our eyes at once… and making that statement we have ALL felt in our own way. Bravo!

  3. Lisa I was smart enough not to have any liquid in my mouth this time! Score! The Wallyworld description is universal!

    1. Thanks, Deb. It just really makes me itch. 🙂 I knew you would agree. I hope you are enjoying sunshine and warmth in your new home state.

  4. You are missing me. I am the working mom navigating her car over her lunch hour buying all the premade semi-healthy dinners that just need heated and served. Because from the time I walk in the door from work until we have to be in the car is about 7 minutes so meal prep is outsourced!

  5. There are two types of people I don’t trust at Costco…women in heels, because hello? Walking three miles on concrete does not work, and people there without a cart. What are you buying, the ginormous tub of cheese puffs and that’s it?!?

    1. RIGHT! Maybe they are there for the super sized laxative and that is it.

      I never wear heals, and I am only five feet tall. I’m all about comfort. And cheese. Did you say cheese?

  6. I too love Costco. Just yesterday I saw someone unloading a 25lb bag of rice onto the checkout belt and it had a hole in it. Rice went everywhere. I couldn’t stop laughing.

  7. I only have a BJs and in MD no one can sell booze except the liquor stores. This is a massive PITA when I am shopping because it is just one more effing store I have to go to. I loathe Walmart. My skin crawls just driving past one.

    1. Ohio is almost the same. Only state licensed stores can sell liquor. So, it’s always an extra stop for us.
      Walmart makes me itch. Seriously.

  8. You just made my day. I was eating a hot dog and decided to see what people think of costco online. I couldn’t stop laughing. People just looked at me thinking God knows what. A very good post. Very accurate.

    1. Thanks, Kristopher. Last week, when I was at Costco, I was surprised to see a few REALLY SKINNY people. WTF are they buying food in bulk? 🙂

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