Killer Cat My Behind

Humans,

I just discovered that the large stupid dog has been sullying my good name again. Last week, she wrote this crappy blog accusing me of attempting to kill her. Everyone should know that this is simply not the truth.

First of all, I have never actually really tried to kill the dog. Sure, I have made my weak attempts, but they have not been remotely successful. My lack of thumbs and my small size prevent me from truly taking a life. Plus, the dog does a good job of trying to kill herself all of the time. Since she has lived with us, and turned my days into living nightmares, big stupid Sophie has done a number of asinine things to cause harm to herself.

The creature keeps a paranoid watch over me.
The creature keeps a paranoid watch over me.

She has eaten portions of the wall. Mother really hissed at her for that. Well, she didn’t hiss. She made her human hissing and growling noises. I rather enjoyed watching this browbeating. I do love it when the dog gets in trouble.

Since the wall was off limits, the beast tried to eat a Christmas ornament. Mother was able to pull it from the back of her mouth. Why the woman simply didn’t let the dog choke, I haven’t a clue.

I sit on the tall chairs to see eye-to-eye with the beast.
I sit on the tall chairs to see eye-to-eye with the beast.

The real humdinger was when Big and Stupid ate a poisonous tree. YES! A tree. Well, not the entire tree, but she took some chunks out of the bark. This dog loves to eat wood. See! She is crazy! What sane individual eats wood, especially when it has red berries on it. Anyone who has been forced to watch Disney drivel knows that bright red fruits are poisoned by the evil queen or something. I mean EVERYONE knows this!

Washington Hawthorn trees are toxic.  Ask Sophie.
Washington Hawthorn trees are toxic. Ask Sophie.

When she came in from chewing on the tree, the creature foamed at the mouth and made a dastardly mess all over my living room. It was disgusting and huge since the thing is the size of a farm animal. Poor mother nearly vomited cleaning up the disaster. She had to be in the hospital for a week — the dog, not mother. Though I wouldn’t be surprised if mother needed a week in a mental hospital after dealing with that. Then, when mother and father brought her home again (WHY didn’t they just LEAVE her there?), they had to have smelly, loud men cut down that tree. They arrived before the sun was even fully up, and they had loud tools straight out of a horror movie. It was scary.

So, dear huAndre Sideeyemans on the other side of the light square, I did not attempt to kill the dog. Of course I want her dead, but I have no need to sully my own white paws. The creature will do herself in with her stupidity. I will wait.

Andre

 

6 thoughts on “Killer Cat My Behind

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