My Head Just May Explode!

Must. not. let. head. explode.
Must. not. let. head. explode.

Most of the time, I am an easygoing hermit who is happy to just sit and pet a cat. I don’t need or want a whole lot. I’m thankful for climate control, plumbing, and gluten free burritos. There’s not a whole lot that makes me angry, and I don’t have super strong opinions on things (Stop laughing). But, like anyone, I have things that just drive me bat shit crazy. So, instead of rolling my eyes, and muttering to myself, as I do daily, I decided to share them with you in the hopes that I can get all of this out of my system and go back to petting cats. So, in no particular order, here are the things that might just give me a rage-induced aneurism.

Bullies — I hate it when people pick on others. Leave the gays, the atheists, the tattooed, the pierced, the transgendered, and everyone else who is not Casper Milkatoast bland alone. It’s none of your fucking business.

Humor deficiency — I cannot relate to people who do not have a sense of humor. Look, we are on a ball, speeding through unending darkness. At some point, we will die. It could be in 50 years, and it could be in 5 minutes. Enjoy life, eat ice cream, and don’t get your panties or boxers in a wad over everything.

Pushy Sales People — Whether it is by phone or personal visit, I loathe when people try to sell me anything.  If I want to buy something, I will go to Amazon.com like everyone should. Don’t knock on my door. No, I don’t want to hear about Jehovah either.

Vanity Sizing — If I was a size 7 in 1988, weighing 30 pounds less than I do now, I am pretty sure I’m not really a size 8 now. Just put real numbers on clothes, and stop judging people by their numbers.

Surveys — About 17 seconds after you purchase a good or service, you get a survey. This arrives via email, snail mail, telephone, or Harry Potter Owl.   I’m glad I don’t date because I’m pretty sure you probably get a survey the first time you have sex with someone now. And I have no filter, so some poor fella would probably be crying.

Solid Soup — Chicken noodle is a soup. Vegetable beef is a soup. Beer cheese potato bacon is not a soup; it’s a ticket to the cardiologist. Bring back normal soup.

Reply to all — I want to crawl through my computer screen and start smacking the crap out of people every time I get a reply to all message. All 982 of us do not need to witness you thanking the person who said they would bring cream cheese ginger cupcakes to the monthly budget meeting. Just stop the insanity already!

Super Foods — There’s acai everything, quinoa everything, avocado everything, and coconut oil everything. Unless they are wearing a cape and cooking themselves, they are not super foods. They are just things that Dr. Oz talked about while telling you to Neti pot with olive oil.

Thank you for listening. I feel loads better now, and you may have just saved my head from exploding. What about you? What drives you nutso? Let me hear from you in the comments.

Survey
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14 thoughts on “My Head Just May Explode!

  1. May I add to the list exercise and diet crazes? No, I do not need to hear how Zumba changed your life or how the Atkinson diet means that you can eat all the bacon you want while losing 10 pounds. I’m glad that you enjoy your latest fad craziness, leave me to my treadmill and cheese straws, please.

    1. Amen, sister! Guess what? When I was at my thinnest ever I didn’t count my carbs at all. I have argued with people about the FACT that weight loss is based on calories in versus calories burned. And that is all.

      I’m drinking a pumpkin latte right now. 🙂

      1. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve yelled “Calories in! Calories out!” at my mom who has been going from diet to diet all her life. She still won’t listen to me even though I wrote my doctoral dissertation on eating disorders and had to take Nutrition classes for my degree. Some people just desperately need to believe in the silver bullet.

  2. I am on board with pretty much all of this. Although many would be surprised to hear it, I too am a person without very strong feelings on many things, but those things about which I feel, I FEEL.

    People with no sense of humor make me crazy, and I will be ecstatic when they stop trying to get us to eat “super grains.” If I come back in my next life as a canary, I will consider eating millet. Until then, it’s a no.

    1. Exactly! Also, I need to know who all of these people are who can’t crap. Why is there added fiber in everything? I have IBS and have never needed this sort of “help.” STOP killing me with the damn fiber. GRRR.

      1. I wonder if they’d still want it if they realized it was WOOD PULP. That’s all it is. Go to the lumberyard and scoop up a bowl of sawdust. It amounts to the same thing. Yuck.

  3. Ugh, many of these! Also the people who stop you in the street with leading, guilt-inducing questions like: do you have two minutes to talk about the environment? No, I don’t, actually, and can’t that be because I’m already late and I care about that person I’m keeping waiting rather than that meaning I don’t care if the earth self-destructs? Also, people who don’t read and are proud of it.

    1. Yes, the smoothie craze has gotten old. It’s still better than the “let’s just live on juice” craze. Do they make cheeseburger juice?

      We can get married. All of us. Think of the publicity!

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