Metal Mom not a Soccer Mom

When we first moved here to Wisteria Lane, I knew we didn’t fit in. First of all, let me clarify, we don’t actually live on Wisteria Lane. We live in a cookie cutter subdivision where everyone has 2.5 children, a dog, and a vehicle with third-row seating. Sure, everyone said hello when we moved in. It’s not like they stood around making the sign of the cross and hissing. They asked us where we had moved from, and what brought us here, etc. When they found out that we had a teen son, they asked us the question that pretty much ended any hopes that our son would have best friends in the neighborhood, “Does he play soccer?”

I may or may not have rolled my eyes before answering. Does every child have to play a sport? My son does not play soccer, or lacrosse, or football, or basketball, or baseball, or any sport. He plays guitar and drums, and keyboard, and he sings and writes music. Metal music. My son is a musician, and I am a metal mom.

Whenever I told the new neighbors this, they gave me the uncomfortable smile. You know the one. It’s similar to the one you make when you’re at a crowded party and you have to fart. But this one wasn’t due to gas; this smile was because they thought my son was “bad.” They never said that in so many words, of course.

In reality, he’s not bad at all. As far as teens go, he’s actually kind of calm. He doesn’t do drugs. He doesn’t even drink alcohol except for the occasional beer I allow him to have at home. He only stays out late when he has a show or goes to another band’s concert. Other than that, he is in our basement practicing with his band or watching TV with his girlfriend. He cuddles with our dogs and cats and passes out candy to the trick-or-treaters on Halloween. But, he does not play soccer, so most of the local kids and their parents didn’t know what to say to the weird new kid with the beard and the stretched earlobes.

That’s ok though. We are used to being odd, and in truth, my family and I would rather be weird than “normal.” Normal sounds dreadfully boring. Personally, I would much rather be a metal mom than a soccer mom, and here’s why:

  • My car is way better than any soccer mom’s ride. I have a Volkswagen Jetta GTI Autobahn Edition with paddle shifters (that I don’t know how to use), a Fender stereo system, satellite radio, and Bluetooth, not a minivan filled with fast food trash and dog hair.
  • My son has learned not to fit in. He doesn’t NEED to fit in. He will never do something just because the other kids are doing it.
  • He’s creative. My son wrote a song about all of the people who have died in our family. It is a beautiful song, and a great way to deal with grief.
  • Every season is metal season. My son can enjoy his hobby of choice at any time of the year. There’s no waiting until summer or fall or whatever.
  • I don’t have to sit outside at some field either sweating or freezing my ass off. His gigs are INSIDE, where there is some sort of climate control happening.
  • Also, his shows are usually in places with a full bar. Can you get a martini on the soccer field?
  • He’s more interesting to talk to, at least for me. I don’t want to hear about balls, and goals and coaches. BORING! My son can talk about how he is inspired by hair metal bands that I listened to in school. He also knows which songs are Ozzy Osbourne and which are Black Sabbath. I don’t even know that.

Right now, there are at least 852 soccer moms who are just itching to post a nasty comment under this blog. Go for it. But before you do, take a look at the header on this site. It does not say Dr. Stork’s parenting advice column. It’s a humor blog. Don’t worry; I’m not going to run for president and make soccer illegal, so don’t get your panties in too much of a bunch.

First “drum” set

8 thoughts on “Metal Mom not a Soccer Mom

  1. Your son is lucky you support him! On behalf of soccer moms everywhere, let me say that loving and supporting your son is enough for me. And making sure your house is soundproofed just in chase they hit a few bad chords….:)

    1. Well, about that soundproofing…. We did have the basement soundproofed but it is really not. Thanks, Angie’s list, for another half-assed contracting job. 🙂

  2. My son plays hockey. You have no idea how jealous I am of you for having a kid who doesn’t play sports. There are about 42 hockey games every year (plus two practices a week) and every damn one of them is in a freezing cold ice rink. I would PAY MONEY to have a metal kid instead.

    1. Cassandra, YOU are a great mom. I would be out in my heated car or at home during hockey practice. Plus, if anyone dared to hurt my kid during a game or practice, even if it was an accident, I would beat the ever loving shit out of that kid. As metal mom, I just need to give icky girls the evil eye sometimes. 🙂
      Thanks for commenting.

  3. My husband hates soccer, claims it’s not a real sport, so Z might not be able to join soccer. Haha. Unless she really loves it. It may kill him but we don’t really care, as long as she’s happy. Good for your son. Sounds like a great kid and other people seeing you as “weird” I find is usually part of greatness!

    1. Liz,
      Of course, I agree with you about that weird being great stuff. 🙂 I thought for sure my son would end up being Alex P. Keaton, as my husband and I are the Keatons for sure. Alas, he has become one of us.
      Thanks for your comment!

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