Keep your Vagina to Yourself!

A long time ago, say five or ten years ago, people didn’t talk about their genitals to anyone except their lovers, super BFF’s, and doctors. And that was just fine and dandy. Now, with social media, and blogging in particular, people LOVE to write about various organs, bodily fluids, and of course, their fun time parts.

Vaginas are a hot topic in the blogging world, and vajayjay posts are a regular newsfeed item these days. There must be some sort of audience for this topic. We suggest it is other women who live to talk about their tampon holders. So not us. We don’t want to read about your, or anyone’s, cooter, and we will gladly tell you why.

It is so common. At first, it was new, exciting, and oh so brave to write about menstrual highways and baby factories, but, like tattoos and quinoa, it got old. REALLY OLD. What was once so cutting edge is now BORING. Almost every woman over 30 has had her snatch waxed. It hurts. You cry. We all get it. Sharon Stone made all subsequent crotch shots irrelevant in 1992. Twenty-three years later, it’s time to get off that train.

It messes with our Internet searches. We don’t want to do a late night desperate Google search for UTI symptoms, or other crotch concerns and find your stupid ass blog.

It scares old people. My grandma asked what a “landing strip” is. As her main source of news is now Facebook, it is safe to assume that the mimsy oversharing has clearly gone too far.

You are fucking with our food. If we are sans a lunch date, we may glance at Facebook and blog posts while eating. It is never pleasant to read about your sick spooge storer while chowing down on some lobster bisque. And, we love food. Please stop referring to our vaginas as “meat curtains,” “tacos,” and anything else we would’ve liked to have for dinner before we read your vag article.

And today with the vaginal steaming! Thank you, Gwyneth Paltrow, for once again inundating the world with your vapid, useless fucking advice on how to freshen our loins. Do us all a favor and go consciously uncouple yourself from your damn Goop blog and steam some broccoli and soybeans instead of your vag.

One word – Awkward The blogging world is a small one. As bloggers, we may meet other bloggers at a conference and not be able to listen to your presentation on extending Facebook reach because we will just be thinking about your plucked porcupine pussy.

We already get pounded with all things vagina on in the media. There are endless Poise pads promos and douche dialogues. We don’t need to hear about your cooch canal too. Thank you for listening.

P.S. This anti-vagina tirade was brought to you by DTH and Lisa R. Petty. You’re welcome.

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