My First Bad Book Review

I just read a really negative review of my YA novel, Misfit Academy. I’m sorry I haven’t paid more attention to my Amazon reviews. I had missed this little Christmas time gem because I was doing all of the other things writers have to do nowadays, like:

  • Pin award winning graphics to Pinerest.
  • Tweet ever so funny yet not offensive things on Twitter every 42 seconds.
  • Build a solid Facebook following of loyal readers.
  • Post cat pictures on Instagram.
  • Write a blog at least once a week, if not more often.
  • Cry while reviewing my blog’s Google Analytics.
  • Create a media kit that attracts sponsors.
  • Still work a day job.
  • Take care of the family by cooking, doing laundry, and everything else.

Anyway, I’m not going to use the reviewer’s real name.   Instead, I will call her A, which is her first initial. Yes, the reviewer is a woman. Who else would be vindictive enough to waste time writing a somewhat lengthy review of a book she hated? A man would toss the book in the trash, or delete it off his Kindle, have a beer and watch TV. So, I will call her A. I want to protect her privacy and I think it’s really funny to call a Canadian A. See what I did there, eh?

Though A’s review was harsh, I did learn some valuable things, and of course I’m going to share them with you all. I hope you are fluent in sarcasm. A isn’t.

My main character did not have a name. I thought I had named him Scott Price, but not according to A, “We follow (no name), a bitter teenager is convinced that the world is working against him. He claims to be a victim of bullying.”

Lesson learned. The next time I write a novel in the first person I should make the character refer to himself in the third person, like Bob Dole, so his name is evident even though the OTHER CHARACTERS talk to him and call him by name. In the case of Misfit Academy, “I, Scott Price, drove to school” would have worked. Noted.

A, if you had not read the book at all, and it sounds like you did more of a skim than a read, you could have learned SCOTT’S name from reading the other reviews. Just sayin’.

I might be schizophrenic. According to A, I grew up in a town that does not exist. Yikes. Here is her evidence, “Although, I’m pretty sure she said it was in Florida, but she keeps referencing Hollywood. So I either I misread (which is possible) or geography is an issue.”

In a panic, thinking my entire childhood and young adulthood was one big hallucination; I did a little Google research. BIG sigh of relief. I found that not only is Hollywood, FL real, but Alabama, Maryland, and South Carolina also have Hollywoods. So, it’s not just California. I can cancel my psychiatrist appointment now.

On a related note, I was both shocked and thrilled to learn there is actually ONE Canadian out there who has never heard of Hollywood, FL. When I was growing up, I could have sworn that the entire country of Canada came to Hollywood every winter. This made parking near the beach a real bitch, which is why SCOTT (THAT IS HIS NAME) complains about Canadians a lot in the book. Almost all residents of beach towns like Hollywood complain about the tourists. They are not racists; they just want parking spaces.

Misfit Academy is not Anime. I would likely give A a bad review, too, as she writes some sort of Anime books. Anime is totally not my genre. My book is realistic fiction, so it is totally not her genre. I’m wondering why she bought it, half-read it, and wrote a review. I’m guessing she either lost a bet or A was drinking and Amazoning.

Teens in Canada are WAY different from American teens. Either A doesn’t get sarcasm at all, OR she was a perfectly kind teen with no doubts, hormones, or mood swings. She never had a bad thought about anyone, and she embraced all nationalities like a United Nations on legs.

Buildings are people, too. A gave me many helpful hints, like the fact that I should have developed the school as a character. She suggested, “The author misses out on developing one of the most important characters of the book, the school.”

Wait. What? You want me to make a building into a person. Either you’re doing more than booze or you are actually a Republican member of the U.S. Congress. This sounds a lot like the whole corporations are people thing.

I have 50 Shades of Punctuation going on. According to A, “Writing wise, there’s plenty of comma abuse, meaning she could have used a period and the writing would have been cleaner and less rambling-like.”

I pictured myself whipping poor, little commas. Then, I realized she was talking about the fact that I use a comma before and in a serial list.  Those are OXFORD commas, A. We use those over here in Murica. OXFORD. Also, here’s a free grammar lesson for you. There is a space in a lot. I noticed you wrote “alot” a lot in your review. That’s not a word. Check out this site for more information on a lot.

Teen boys should behave like eunuchs. Good teen boys do not notice breasts or if a girl is good looking. It is wrong to notice anyone’s looks, and everyone should walk around wearing a blindfold.

According to A, “He’s intensely homophobic and objectifies anything resembling the female sex into two categories: sexually appealing or ugly. As long as you’re hot, a woman’s faults are okay.”  Yep. I have created a monster. Scott Price notices when a woman is attractive. That makes him homophobic somehow, even though one of his best friends is gay. Interesting.

MisfitCoverI’m very thankful that A took the time to write the most scathing review of Misfit Academy to date. Clearly, I have learned A LOT about myself as a writer and a creator of schizophrenic, homophobic racist characters.  If you would like to read her entire review, it is located here. Here is a link to Misfit Academy’s Amazon page. If you have read it, please leave a review. I don’t mind constructive feedback. Just be sure to Google things like “Hollywood, FL” if you are accusing me of being geographically illiterate. Hugs all around.

8 thoughts on “My First Bad Book Review

  1. Lisa,
    You are alot of great things (I just couldn’t help myself) including snarky, sarcastic, and intelligent. It takes intelligence to properly snark and use sarcasm. Canadian A is lacking, eh. I have your book in my Amazon cart (finally)! I will review it when I finish reading the entire book! Much love!

    1. Thanks alot, Pattie. It takes one to know one, eh? I wish we both lived in an imaginary town with warm weather and a beach.

  2. I am really glad I did not read her review as I am sure I would have wasted my time getting frustrated at some random idiot.
    This, however, was a fabulous read, full of witty and sarcastic responses to her stupidity. And highly educational as well. LOVE IT!
    The only sad part is that Canadian A will likely never read it and learn the error of her ways (both her own geographical and grammatical ones, as well as the error of actually publishing her own drivel as a “critical review” of anyone else’s work). Definitely her loss.

    1. You are not missing anything by not reading the review. As I read it I kept thinking, “Is she drunk or did I really piss her off somehow?” It was fun to blog about it, so that is all that matters.
      Thanks for your kind words.

  3. I took a break from pinning Easter bunny pictures on Pinterest and posting memes on Facebook about my kids leading me to drink wine 24 hours a day, which I hate doing, but seem to have to do ALOT in the hopes that maybe, someday, maybe, just maybe…comma!!!…I’ll be a writer. *sigh*…COMMA…to read your post. Phew. What was I saying? Oh…”A” stands for asshole, right? Because I really think that would fit. She needs to take off, eh? OXFORD, you say? I used to have a pair of those somewhere, in my closet, I think…xo

    1. I think she needs a ALOT of glasses of wine and a vibrator. Who goes out of their way to write a LONG, mean review for a book that is totally not in her genre, eh? 🙂

  4. Lisa, your ability to craft words is such a joy to read! I do believe this is my very first literary autopsy!! You created this amazing blog entry with the same zest and intelligent humor as I have come to enjoy! Good show eh????

    1. Hi Diana,

      I just couldn’t help it. The woman was mean, and I had to say something. Plus, it made for a blog. 🙂 I’m one to make lemonade out of lemons. 🙂

      I hope you are doing well.

      Hugs,
      Lisa

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