Snarky Retort to “Rules for Dating my Daughter”

Normally, I flip through the interwebs casually and inattentively. I read headlines, glance at cat pictures, and roll my eyes at religious and political stuff. Every so often, I see a popular meme that irritates me so much that it jars me from my semi-conscious social media induced zombie state. I know you have probably seen this one, too. It’s everywhere. It’s even on t-shirts. As you can probably tell from looking at the title, it’s the Rules for Dating my Daughter meme that irritates the pacifist right out of me.

Why would this irritate me? It’s funny, right? WRONG. It’s not funny when you have a son. Not one bit. It’s not funny when someone assumes your Star Wars watching, animal loving boy is a threat to anyone. So, Mr. Macho Rules for Dating my Daughter, I’ve got some replies for you.

Get a job.

Why? Are you counting on him to pay your bills while you sit around, pull the bedbugs out of your navel, and write stupid ass rules for dating your daughter? School is his job right now. Obviously, it was never your focus.

Understand I don’t like you.

Understand he probably doesn’t give a shit. Also, understand your snotty little princess might get on my last nerve.

I am everywhere.

That’s an odd statement. Are you on any psychiatric drugs or did you fail basic physics in school? While you are floating around EVERYWHERE, can you tell your daughter to stop leaving hickies on my son?

You hurt her, I hurt you.

First of all, that is a comma splice. You would have learned fancy writing skills in school. Also, DO NOT threaten my son. If you hurt him, I can promise that you will never know what hit you. I will fly at you with some Lifetime movie level shenanigans like the Wicked Witch of the West on Meth riding a Dyson.

Be home 30 minutes early.

Then tell BOTH of them to be home 30 minutes earlier than you originally said. Don’t play games. Just give a damn time.

Get a lawyer.

Why? Dating your daughter is a crime because she is such a special princess? Fuck off.

If you lie to me, I will find out.

How? Did Harry Potter mind reading skills come with your “I am everywhere” starter kit?

She is my princess, not your conquest.

I didn’t know princesses traded in their gowns for shorts that show their labia. My son generally wears pants that cover his genitals. Who is the conquest?

I don’t mind going back to jail.

Really? Is it the food or your big, burly lover that you miss most?

Whatever you do to her, I will do to you.

So, you will buy him jewelry for Christmas? You will take him to the movies every week, and out for ice cream, too? I think you need to think this one through a little.

Really, I’m not sure why any of these “rules” bother me. They were obviously written by a “man” who sits on his porch, polishes his gun, and spits tobacco juice into a Mountain Dew can. In other words, he’s a walking stereotype.

Hey, I’ve got an idea, Mr. Rules. You could maybe get to know my son as a person rather than an imaginary threat. In return, I will stop rolling my eyes whenever your daughter complains of being cold in her denim bikini bottoms. Deal?


16 thoughts on “Snarky Retort to “Rules for Dating my Daughter”

  1. How do I love this? Let me count the ways…
    I have daughters and I find this offensive. Why does this seem so violent?
    I have a son too and he is silly and gentle and of course he will grow up and become a teenager who will date somebody’s daughter but he won’t be an asshole about it (I’ll make sure if that). Hopefully whomever he dates will have a father that is also not an asshole.
    Oh and it seems to me that whoever wrote this is the one who needs a lawyer. Aggressive much? Stereotype noted. Ugh!

    1. Exactly! Unfortunately, Sergio, my son, has experienced this kind of dad before. Never mind that the dad was a loser alcoholic ass. My son was not good enough for his “princess.”

  2. I have boys too, and I love this so much. I’ve seen the meme, but I wasn’t aware of the rest of it – the threats. Why all the gender biased preconceptions? Your responses are spot on. Right there with you.

    1. Thanks, Linda. I hate the preconceptions. My son is always the one who is generous and caring in a relationship. He’s dated some “princesses” I would like to jackslap. 🙂

  3. I have 3 daughters. I can’t say I agree with any of those rules. My rules would be more like… and they would be rules for all kids involved…

    Please respect her. Respect her parents. Respect her God.
    Don’t sell your penis like it’s a used car.
    Wrap it up.
    Don’t knock her up until you are ready to be a father because child support doesn’t raise a child.
    If my daughter is a bitch, she gets it from me, so don’t blame her.
    Please share the load. Whoever works and cleans, just share the load.
    Don’t try to change her or control her, and I won’t marry your dad so you guys are siblings, and then I am in the position to try to change and control you.
    Please, aim before you fire. When you pee in her or my bathroom, get the urine IN the toilet, not on it, or around it. IF you can’t do that, then go outside and pee in a bush.
    If her grandma is still around when you get here, we’ll be doing things her way. None of us really have a choice. It’s easier on you when you accept it. Trust me. I’ve tried my whole life.

    1. Michelle, you should write this as a blog. Your rules make more sense. Even the God one. My son is an atheist and his girlfriend is a liberal Christian. They have never argued about religion. They respect each others views.

  4. Love this, especially the conquest item – does daddy really let his princess out of the house (un)dressed like that? Don’t see how that’s my son’s problem!

    1. I just don’t get the shorts these girls wear now. It can’t be comfortable to have denim riding up your vagina.

      1. Oh how I agree with you Lisa. I have seen girls sitting on blankets at baseball games. Where their shirts are so low cut that one wrong move and the bobs would be one outside of the shirt and their labia is all but showing. You can tell they shave. I have a son and daughter both. I had the same rules for both of them. And none of them invited a gun.

      2. Exactly. I don’t get this love of showing as much skin as possible. We were watching the Bachelorette and she had a dress on that was slit down to her navel. It was not flattering at all as she has A cups at best. More fabric is actually more flattering to most people.

  5. I am so glad I read this. I’m laughing and seething at the same time. The “parenting” model that shows false bravado in the name of protection is getting really tired. How about, instead of threatening innocent boys, you focus on raising your daughter to choose nice and respectful boys to date? Geez. Someone somewhere is scratching his balls smugly right now and has no idea you just ripped him to shreds! Well done!

    1. Exactly, Gretchen. Raise your children to expect to be treated well. No need for threats and trashy lists. 🙂

  6. Love the blog! As you know I have a son and in his youth, a couple of his girlfriends took such advantage of him emotionally and financially (although he had zip coin!). The fool who wrote the ‘Rules’ was an ignorant idiot and would be a horrid embarrassment to his family.

    1. Sergio used to be a sucker when he was younger. I wanted to go Lifetime crazy on a couple of his ex girlfriends. He is good to his current lady, but he is not an idiot. 🙂

  7. Yes! I actually made a similar sarcastic post after seeing a father publicly reply to my 16 year old son relationship status. It continued with ridiculous “jokes” from the sister having guns, etc. They stated “she’s a girl so” . “No one asked my permission”. Then take that up with your daughter. I turned the tables in my blog and I also don’t agree with the mom memes but I think it’s a response to the dad memes of girls.

    1. I agree, Jessica. I don’t like any of the overly protective parent memes and posts. Just get to know the kids your kids are friends with. Most of them are fine.

      I will have to check out your post, too.

      Thanks for your comment!

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