October 21, 2015
Dear Teen Lisa,
I’m your future self, and I have some news for you. First of all, Prince was SO WRONG. We all lived just fine after 1999. In fact, it is now October 21, 2015, that magical Back to the Future Day when Marty McFly saved the world on a hover board, or something like that. It’s been a while since I’ve seen the movie. Well, since I’m actually in 2015 right now, I can tell you that is bullshit. We do have fancy phones, computers, and TV’s that are super flat and hung on walls, but no hover boards. Hold on to your size 27 Edwins (by the way, you are SO NOT fat), things are way different here in 2015.
Speaking of Marty McFly, I’ve got some sort of sad news for you. You will meet Michael J. Fox at Y-100 in a few years. Now, instead of being a total stuttering idiot, please just talk to him. I mean he is YOUR height, so how intimidating can he be. Also, being nice to him would be good as unbeknownst to anyone, he discovers a tremor in his hand around the time you meet him. No, it’s not your fault. He soon learns he has Parkinson’s disease. If you don’t know what that is walk down to the library and look it up in an encyclopedia. I would tell you to Google it, but you don’t have that yet. Google is this super cool search engine. You will love it. I’ve probably confused you. Never mind. Any way, in 2015, Michael is still acting, and he is speaking about Parkinson’s and raising money for research. He handles the whole thing pretty well, but it is still odd to see him shake like that.
You know all of those people in high school you are looking forward to never seeing again? Well, you’re screwed. You’re going to see them every damn day on Facebook. Facebook is this web site on the computer where people post pictures of their kids and cats and random things that don’t matter every four seconds. Now, I know you know what a computer is because you saw War Games, but a web site is hard to explain. You know how on War Games when he is able to log into the Pentagon’s computers from his home? Well, we will be able to see a bunch of stuff on our computers from home. Yes, everyone will have a computer. You will work on the computer as a college instructor. From home. You will love it. There will also be phones that are like computers. You will have a few of those. You will also love them. I will get to that later.
Here’s something crazy. You know the dad on the Cosby Show? That nice guy from the Pudding pop commercials? The one who was on Fat Albert when you were a kid? Hold on to your Keds. That guy is probably drugging some woman right now so he can rape her. Crazy, right? We won’t really find out about this until 2015. Of course some people will say all 50 women are lying. People would rather believe victims are lying than believe the Cosby dad is a sexual predator.
Speaking of sickos, Michael Jackson was accused of molesting children. A lot of people believe he is innocent even though he admitted to inviting kids over for sleepovers in his bed. Again, people would rather believe that people are lying than believe a celebrity could be anything but stellar. Michael Jackson ends up dying in 2009 from a drug overdose. You always liked Prince better anyway.
Pretty much everything you joke about or find entertaining now will be highly offensive in 2015. In fact, they just stopped showing the Dukes of Hazzard because there is a Confederate flag on the General Lee. Yes, they still show reruns of the Dukes of Hazzard. No, Bo did not age well.
Speaking of TV, you will LOVE Netflix. It’s this Internet site that allows you to watch shows and movies without using a VCR or going to the movies. VCRs are pretty much dead now anyway. People either stream movies on Netflix or another web site, or they watch DVDs. DVDs look just like CDs but they have movies on them. I know it’s a lot to take in, so I will stop here.
You know how the phone rings, and you’re all like “Shit. I hate talking on the phone. I’m afraid to answer it.” Well, here in the future you will know who is calling before you pick up the phone. There is a little screen on all phones that displays callers’ names and phone numbers. It’s called Caller ID, and it is fabulous! You will never be trapped by a windbag again.
Also, you will never answer your phone again because you can send text messages. You know how you write notes to Theresa, Cory, Marilyn and all of your friends, and you fold the paper into a little square with a pull-tab. Well, here in 2015, you can type messages on your cell phone (little phone that you take with you everywhere). You don’t ever have to actually talk on the phone. You will love this!
That same phone that shows you who is calling and lets you send and receive text messages does a lot of stuff. It has a calendar, a calculator, games, that annoying Facebook thing, and lots of other stuff. This phone would totally be banned in Mr. Scott’s class.
We have moved forward with technology but backwards with other things, like being nice to each other. People are often really mean to each other on Facebook and other Internet sites. They insult each other and argue about Jesus, politics, gay people being allowed to get married (They are finally allowed to get married in 2015. Too bad Uncle Bobby did not live to see this. ) and guns. Guns are a big issue now because there have been a lot of shootings. Some have been in schools, and others have been in malls and movies theaters. Now, some movie theaters search your bags before you go in.
We no longer fear Russians; it’s the Middle East that we are at war with now, and it’s not such a cold war. There has been so much violence. Middle eastern terrorists flew airplanes into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon on September 11, 2001. Thousands of people died.
We also moved backwards with our writing skills. People use Facebook and other sites like that on those phones that are like computers that I was telling you about. They are called smart phones but the people who use them are not smart. They are too lazy to spell out words so they use what I call Prince spelling. You know, like Nothing Compares 2 U, instead of TO YOU. It’s like the schools have stopped teaching first grade grammar. This will drive you nutty, especially because you are an English instructor.
So, that’s 2015 in a nutshell. I mean there’s more, but I don’t want to overwhelm you. I just wanted to let you know that you won’t have a hover board, which is probably good because you will be 44 in 2015. I know that seems super old now, but just you wait young Lisa. Just you wait.
Older, chubbier you