Well, it’s the “most wonderful” time of the year again. By “most wonderful” I mean stressful as hell. It’s time for shopping and decorating and cooking and baking and gaining at least ten pounds and dealing with oodles of people. Yes, the holidays are here. I say holidays because there are a few of them at the same time; so don’t get all political/religious on me. I hate all of the winter holidays equally because they involve going out in public and shopping with others. If you’re anything like me, and you probably aren’t since I am pretty weird, you hate Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanza shopping, too. So, I have prepared a list of holiday shopping coping mechanisms.
Try like fuck to find it on Amazon and avoid the whole shopping trip. I know. I know. There are certain things you CAN’T buy online. With my tree trunk legs, I have to buy boots in person because most of them don’t fit my sturdy calves.
If you just can’t avoid shopping amongst other humans, eat hard-boiled eggs and Brussels sprouts for breakfast. Once you start dropping flammable farts, everyone will steer clear.
If you loathe salespeople like I do, avoid eye contact when entering store. Just keep your chin on your chest and stare at the floor.
Want more tips? Head over to the Knot So Subtle Laughing section and look for me there.