My Kamikaze Mustache Wax
Yep. Those are my sideburns when I don’t wax.

Elvis Presley is alive and well and living on the sides of my face.  When I forgo the wax, I have sideburns that rival the King’s fattest 1975 sparkly jumpsuit days. So, I go get them ripped off once a month or so. While I am there, I get my eyebrows shaped a little.  They are slightly squirrelly, though they are not walrus level bushy.

I have battled facial hair my whole life. Boys in high school told me I needed to shave when they saw the blonde hair on the sides of my face.  So I started dry shaving my face whenever I shaved my legs.  I stopped when I developed a 5 o’clock shadow. I discovered wax in my 30’s.  Even though it would be cheaper, I refuse to do it myself at home because it really hurts.  I just know what would happen if I put hot wax on my face.  Since I would be DREADING the pain, I would be too afraid to rip it off and then I would be known as “old candle faced Lisa.” It would go on my tombstone along with “She did laundry.”  So, my usually fabulous esthetician takes care of it for me.

Recently, something went awry with my esthetician.  Maybe I was chatting with her too much, or maybe she thought I was someone else.  At any rate, as soon as I felt the hot wax on my lip, I wished I had accepted the free wine when I checked in. I had never, ever, but never requested a mustache wax before, and I hadn’t this time either. I wanted to yell that out to her, but my esthetician was talking about having just finished her chemo for ovarian cancer.  I wasn’t about to interrupt her with a “WHAT in the hell are you doing?  I don’t have a mustache!!” Then, the cold truth hit.  Maybe I DID have a mustache. Maybe she could see it with her fancy dancy magnifying mirror.

I began to wonder how bad this facial hair problem would get. Would I have to condition it or put it in a bun or French braid.  Maybe, I could get highlights or peacock colors put in. If I have a mustache at 44, surely I would look like some sort of new breed of mammal by 50. Maybe I would finally get on the Today Show because of it.

I felt my esthetician pat a cloth strip over the warm wax, all while chatting away as though she waxed this mustache of mine all of the time. I dug my nails into my palms, in preparation for the rip.  OUCH! The upper lip is even more sensitive than the sides of the face.  My sympathies go out to the women who have this done regularly.  I won’t be one of them because I have decided that I don’t have a mustache.  Nope.  The magnifying light must have been faulty.

10 thoughts on “My Kamikaze Mustache Wax

  1. Your mix of humility, honesty, and humor are so entertaining. Thank you for sharing your talent. You always brighten my day.

  2. I have come to believe that the older we get, the more unwanted hair we acquire. If I let nature take her course, I would have a little wiry beard, mustache, and Leonid Brezhnev eyebrows. What is weird is that in other places, my hair is disappearing – let’s just say I may not have to pay for Brazilians for very much longer.

    1. I have heard about the lack of hair in other regions. I haven’t noticed that yet, but I won’t be getting a Brazilian anyway. I would need general anesthesia for that. 🙂

  3. I am in AWE of women who are brave enough to get Brazilians! Like you I would need a general anesthesia for that. The first few years of getting the ole ‘stache done used to make me stomp my feet and shout m*****f****r! It got easier as the new hair is weak and (except for the MANLY stubborn hairs that need to be ripped out with tweezers) comes out pretty easily.


    Then I noticed that I was getting “chin fur” and asked her to do the chin. Well, she went half way down my neck before I realised and ripped out hair that was invisible. I ended up with HUGE weals all down my neck making it look as though my double chin had quadrupled in size.

    I had to take bloody Benadryl to soothe the itch and take the welts and swelling down. Lesson learned, from now on I will pluck any errant chin fur!

    1. Cathy, An esthetician once told me about a client of hers, a bride who had come in for a Brazilian. She ended up with half a Brazilian for her wedding night because it was so painful. I can’t imagine even attempting it.
      Like you, I have had welts and have needed Benedryl after a waxing. The place I go to now puts tea tree oil on me after a wax. It really helps.

  4. Stray hairs drive me NUTS! Why on earth does it vanish from my head (I used to have a fine healthy head of hair, now it is fine and moderately healthy..) and end up in other areas?? I don’t wax, I’m a weenie. I use a razor almost everywhere and tweezers on the face and am thankful no one cept the GYN sees me below the waist. Shudder!

    1. I have to be honest, lately I have been shaving my sideburns. I just can’t stand growing out the hair to get it waxed. Drives me nuts!

  5. The first and only time I had a Brazillian, I swear she was ripping my hoo ha lips off of my body. It was so frickin painful that all I could do was laugh. And not a quiet little chuckle. After all the pain, my husband hated it.

    1. Oh no! You went through all of that for nothing? I probably would have jumped from the table and run from the room saying, “F you and your F-ing wax!”

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