I don’t love babies and puppies. Sue me.

If you know me, you know I’m weird.  Even when I was a kid, I was always the odd one in any group.  All of my fellow summer campers would get excited about swimming time but I would get an anxiety induced stomachache.  The other birthday party guests would eat the entire strip of chocolate iced cream in the carton of Neopolitan, and I was usually the only kid waiting for a scoop of vanilla.

Everyone who didn't make basketball cheerleading "made" wrestlerettes.
Everyone who didn’t make basketball cheerleading “made” wrestlerettes.

I used to hate being different, and I spent my youth chasing normal.  I tried out for cheerleading and homecoming court, you know all of the things teen girls are supposed to want to do. I went to the beach a lot, even though I have always hated swimming. Now, at the ripe old age of 28 (44), I have decided not to care about being normal.  I’m just going to embrace my oddness and come out of the closet about all of the things I am not in love with that normal people like.

Babies – They’re needy little balls of barf and mustard shit.  EVERYONE loves babies.  People spend thousands on fertility treatments to have babies.  I don’t get it. I never had that baby desperation.  I have a son and I love him.  He was a baby once and I loved him then, too, but I really started to enjoy our life together when he could wipe his own ass and sleep all night. Talking instead of scream crying was a bonus, too.

Chocolate – I’d rather have a good vanilla cheesecake. Or a Twinkie.  Or vanilla ice cream.  I have chocolate in really small doses because it makes me feel like I have a huge coco puff loogie in my throat.

I always loved cats.
I always loved cats.

Puppies – Just like babies, they’re needy and hard to potty train.  Crate training our huge Sophie drove me to drink.  Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve been a cat person. I hated going over to anyone’s house who had a dog because the minute I would walk in the door the dog jumped on me or stuck his head in my nether regions.  Yes, I have two dogs now. Not my choice.  I take care of them, but I love the cats way more. The dogs are not aware of this and follow me everywhere.

Beer – Can we just drink carbonated urine instead? Everyone has a big old chubby for craft beer.  It should be called crap beer.  It tastes just like all other beer. I’m not sure what is so crafty about it.  Does it knit or something?   I enjoy martinis and scotch.  Hell, even yoga pant wearing mom approved wine is better than beer.

Awards Shows – Four words: Who gives a f#$%? Let me get this straight, you already play dress up for a living and earn more than a second world nation, and we are supposed to give you a trophy and glamorous after parties and goodie bags filled with free stuff, too?  Teachers and Firemen, and other people who really work, should get an awards show.

Jesus – Everyone loves to say we are a “Christian nation.”  Guess what? We aren’t.  We have separation of church and state.  It doesn’t matter what the Bible says; it matters what the Constitution says.  And I am SO SICK of people trying to pass “moral” laws.  “Because Jesus” is not a reason to pass a law.  Plus, Jesus would probably think most “Christians” today are assholes.

Yep. I’m not normal.  After writing this, I totally get why I have very few close friends, and most of them are cats.  If anyone is reading this, leave me a comment and let me know if you are normal, an oddball, or somewhere in the middle.

22 thoughts on “I don’t love babies and puppies. Sue me.

  1. Coffee – I despise it and yet I know that most people live off of it, at least that’s what the internet and Starbucks billions tell me.

    PrOn – not a fan, this may be my raging male feminism hear me roar talking but I just don’t get it, at all.

    Christmas music, well Christmas anything, I like the holiday and I like my family but the music and assorted stuff is awful.

    *fistbumps* fellow weirdo

    1. *fistbumps* I hear you on coffee. I have one cup a day, on most days, only because I keep hearing that it is good for the brain and liver on the Today Show. I get all of my medical advice from Matt Lauer. 🙂

      Christmas music is almost as brain wormy as “It’s a Small World.” You’re welcome for that.

  2. I agree with everything you said, except…I love babies when they belong to someone else and I only have to hold them for less than 5 minutes. Also, craft beer is actually SHITTIER than normal beer. So I think this means we’re homies.

    1. So true, Steph. We did this “brew at the zoo” thing over the summer and I almost barfed “420 Ale.” It had hemp in it. YUCK.

      I’m ok with babies and little kids if I don’t have to be responsible for them. So, I don’t babysit. 🙂

  3. Beer tastes like the smell of sweat of someone drunk on beer in a gin mill where you can’t fall over because your feet stick to the floor.

    1. Right?! My dad used to say that if Jesus came back today, his people would be crossing the street to get away from him because he would look like a dirty hippie to them.

  4. I feel the same way about dogs, needy and clingy. Give me cats any day!

    When I was a child, my dad brewed his own beer. I of course wanted to “help”. He let me hold the hose as it was siphoning into bottles but the smell was so over whelming I started to swoon and my mom had to catch me before I fell off the chair. To this day the smell of beer makes me retch.

    But I LOVE me some bubbies and will approach total strangers and gush over their babies. My daughter is always pulling me away telling people to ignore the crazy baby lady lol ( and I DO have my own grand babies but the youngest is 3 and I NEED babies)

    1. I think I will love my grandchildren, if I get to have some. My son is only 18 now. I don’t HATE other people’s babies. I just would rather not baby sit. 🙂 I teens the best. Even though they can be a pain, they are usually entertaining.

  5. Creative odd ball here. Agree with you about babies, dogs, beer and award shows. I used to not like chocolate until I found raw cacao powder and am now addicted to the stuff. I like babies and dogs when I can enjoy them in short durations and send them home quickly. Beer … can’t even get it up to my nose … what a waste of ingredients. Cats, wine and books are more my style.

    1. “Cats, Wine, and Books” should be a small artsy shop in every city. I would go there every day.

      My friend does make some wonderful dark chocolate truffles. Those are good in small doses.

      Why don’t people just clean toilets with beer? Yuck!

  6. I knew I was odd by the time I was 4 because someone told me. I had fits of anxiety whenever I was invited to a classmate’s birthday party. I hated cake. Vanilla was my favorite ice cream, but I didn’t want it if it sat next to cake. Frosting made me gag. I suffered with anxiety about attending middle school because there was a pool. I transferred to a private school to avoid this. I hated gym, games, and recess. I was happy when it was library time. I sat in the corner and read the same book every day. I had no friends. Is it any wonder why?

    1. Linda, were we separated at birth. I do like vanilla cake or cupcakes, in small doses, but all of the rest of it is dead on. Anything involving a pool or swimming makes me nervous and I HATED middle school. Reading in a corner sounds dreamy.

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