When Your OB/GYN is a Jerk

My first OB/GYN wasn’t a jerk, but he also wasn’t an OB/GYN. I found him in the Yellow Pages when I was 17 and looking for a place to get a prescription for birth control pills.  (Young people, the Yellow Pages was a book (made of real paper) we used to find business addresses and phone numbers back before Google.  Yes, those were dark times.) Planned Parenthood was too far away, and I was without a car at this time due to an accident I had when an 89-year-old woman ran a stop sign, a common occurrence in South Florida. Anyway, this doctor’s office was RIGHT DOWN THE STREET.  So, I walked there, after calling on the phone for an appointment.

The doctor was super nice, and so was his wife.  She talked to me before my pelvic exam.  She had a model of the female reproductive system, and she showed me exactly what her husband was going to do.  Then, she stayed with me in the room while he did the exam.  She told me that her husband was a general doctor, not an OB/GYN, but he wanted to help young girls get birth control if they needed it.  I think they may have charged a lower rate, too.  They were very nice people, and I got my pills.

My mom was PISSED when she found out I was on the pill.  Our pharmacist told her because I was dumb enough to go to the same pharmacy my mom always went to.  I think that’s kind of illegal for him to have told her that.  Once she found out who prescribed them, she was really mad. My mom worked for doctors and said this guy I went to was a “fucking quack.”  I liked him, but since she was so pissed, I told her I would go to her doctor for my next exam.  My mom’s doctor was, and probably still is, a jerk.  I’m only saying jerk because I’m trying to swear less.  Really, he was an asshole. OK.  A fucking asshole.

Love those paper gowns and blankets!
Love those paper gowns and blankets!

I went in for my exam by myself.  The nurse brought me to the room and had me put on that gown that covers almost nothing.  I’ve never understood why they even bother with the gown.  They should just throw a baby blanket over you and call it a day.  Anyway, the doctor came in after I sat in the room for about 20 minutes with the air conditioning vent blowing on me.  In South Florida, it’s always too hot outside and too cold inside.

So, the doctor had me lie back and scoot my butt all the way forward, and then put my feet in the stirrups.  Ladies, you know what I’m talking about.  Then, he proceeded to give me the most painful, horrible pelvic exam I have ever had in my life.  Still. After the exam, I told him, with tears in my eyes, that it was very painful. He replied, I shit you not, “Well, I wasn’t tickling you!” I left there HATING him and vowing never to return.  Not only did I never go back, when I got home I asked my mother if she was unaware that there were other OB/GYNs she could see.

By the time I got around to getting married and pregnant, I was 25.  I had a warm, wonderful OB/GYN throughout my pregnancy.  I won’t use his name, but his nephew was on the show Full House and he was also the voice of Aladdin.  He told me all of this during exams.  I found that to be really neat at the time, the fact that his nephew was mildly famous and the fact he actually talked to me about such things during exams.  That doctor was so awesome.  He told me I was glowing and looked beautiful at every appointment.  And then I had to see his partner.

At this OB/GYN practice, they made you see other doctors towards the end of your pregnancy because your own doctor might not be on call when you went into labor.  Because no one ever goes into labor during normal business hours.  So, I waddled into the office at about 8 months to see Dr. Z.  I could tell that Dr. Z was an asshole, I mean jerk, the minute he walked in because he did not make eye contact with me.  He just told me to assume the position.  I asked if he could look at a rash I had developed on my bikini line. I thought it was a heat rash since I lived in South Florida and I had a heck of a FUPA with this pregnancy. The doctor stood a couple of feet away from me and said, “It’s a fungus!”

I was horrified.  He made it sound like black mold was going to eat me alive with his alarmed tone. “How did I get a fungus?”  I genuinely thought I had some South American rainforest level shit happening.

He stepped back about three feet and said, “I don’t know.  Get some anti-fungal cream at the drug store.  Also, you might want to start watching your weight.  You’ve gained too much.” With that, he walked out of the room.  I pulled my paper blanket around me and slid off of the table to get dressed.

I had to hold back the tears.  I was fat AND I had a fungus.  This was not good.  So, I did what people usually do when they are insulted like this, I went home and ate macaroni and cheese.  Lots of it.  I shoveled it in my mouth while muttering, “I’m fat and I have a fungus. Asshole.”

Guess who was on call when my water broke?  Yep. Dr. Z. Before they wheeled me in to the OR, Dr. Z examined me and told me, “Your water didn’t really break.”  I swear he rolled his eyes when he said it.

I rolled them right back.  A person CAN TELL when her water breaks. I told him, “Well then I must have lost control of my bladder in bed, all the way to the bathroom, and in the car on the way over here.”  Asshole. Jerk. Other bad words.

I labored for 17 hours, and my epidural quit working and needed to be inserted again.  Good times. I ended up needing an emergency C-section. Lucky for me, his surgical skills were way better than his bed side manner.  I never saw him again, and I don’t miss him.

Let me hear from you in the comments! Guys, you can play along, too.  Tell me about your worst doctor ever. How did you handle your visit with him or her?  Tell me I’m not the only one who has had horrible doctors.

24 thoughts on “When Your OB/GYN is a Jerk

  1. I work in an OB/GYN office and, on behalf of jerky doctors everywhere, I apologize. Not that I’m a jerky doctor — or even a doctor. Nor are the docs in our practice jerks. I’m just trying to let you know that….I’m not even sure…I feel bad that you had a jerky doctor and you shouldn’t have to have an asshole deliver your baby? I think I totally screwed it up.

    1. LOL! You cracked me up, Jana. The good news is I have a great doctor now to get me through my old lady times. No more babies. 🙂

  2. This is hysterical!!! Hahahahaha. And to a point-way to familiar! I was 25 and pregnant with my first child. My mother recommended her doctor, but I could only get in with his partner initially. I hate to give TMI, but I am someone who “keeps things clean” when it comes to my lady parts. Needless to say, I prepped for my appointment, put on the useless paper gown, and waited for the doctor. In walks this little man with a full head of curly hair. (His hair means nothing to the story, but I hated how it looked) I get into position, and he literally disappears between my legs. Next thing I feel is a tickle, his head pops up and he freaking says “you missed a spot!”, while grinning from ear to ear. I looked at him and said “what?!” He tickled me again and repeated “you missed a spot”. I was horrified! The nurse was shocked and I wanted to cry. I didn’t want to go back, but I told my mommy what happened and she complained for me. (I was scared & embarrassed, and grateful for my mommy at the time.) It just so happened that my mom’s Doctor, who I wanted to see in the first place, was opening his own practice in the next couple of weeks. I started seeing him and he has been my doctor ever since. He is wonderful and to boot…gorgeous! Lol. I’m not sure what ever happened to the little doctor, but he had no business doing what he did! Major ahole!

    1. “Paging Dr. Pervy Pubehead. Dr. Pervy Pubehead to the exit please.” Wow, I’m sorry you had to have that experience but I’m glad you have a good doctor now.

  3. Okay…I SWEAR I am not making this up. My OB/GYN with my first kid (nearly 29 years ago) was SO erratic. One day he would be sweet and the next he would make me cry (he told me my pregnancy was going to make my bad acne permanent. He was wrong). On Christmas day, a few months after my son was born, he stabbed his adult son 27 times. It was a small knife and his kid didn’t die…but still….

    1. Oh wow! Well, I guess even psychotic people can get through medical school. How scary!! You need to blog about this.

  4. My worst doctor wasn’t an OB-GYN; luckily, I’ve only had ladybusiness doctors that I like so far. My worst doctor was a Patch Adams wannabe who walked in to talk to me, a chronic pain patient who had wrenched my back slipping on a wet floor, and was hoping for a muscle relaxant or something so I could go back to work, because I couldn’t afford to miss a shift, with a red foam clown nose on.

    Really.

    He was a new doctor at the family practice I’d gone to since I was an infant, but I hadn’t seen him before. He was the only practitioner available on short notice. He proceeded to tell me I really just needed to laugh more, and write me a note excusing me from work. I got fired, even with the note, which is probably (definitely) illegal, but I was 24 and not very good at standing up for myself. I never went back to him or that practice again.

    1. I bet if your back weren’t so sore you would have hit him. He needed to be knocked into reality. Yes, just laugh more and you won’t have back pain. What an idiot.

  5. Oh my Lord. I had an OB/GYN during that end of pregnancy rotation who informed me that my daughter was still head up and that we could try a procedure that might get her to turn around, but “it probably won’t work and you’ll have to have a c-section”. Then he handed me a pamphlet about how when the baby is still inverted it sometimes means they have Cerebral Palsy or some other awful thing and walked out. I cried for three days.

    Well, the version worked, no c-section, and my daughter was perfect. So Fuck you Dr. A! Thank God he wasn’t on call when I went into labor. I probably would have just had her at home.

    1. Oh boy! What is wrong with these doctors? That’s our baby we are carrying, a real one not a Lego one. I’m glad he was WRONG.

  6. When pregnant with baby #2, had those same round robin appointments with the other docs in the office. Loved my doc, but of course, the one I didn’t like (the one who made me wait in the room forever, and I had to remind her to measure me and listen to the heartbeat, duh) was on call when my water broke. I had told them my first labor was really fast, but at the hospital they said it wouldn’t be for at least a few hours. Joke was on them because my husband and I watched the movie, Rudy, and then I was ready to push. Haha, the doctor had gone across the street to their office to sleep since it was the middle of the night, and the nurse said the doctor had to literally run back over to get there.

    1. It’s always comforting when you have to remind the doctor to do his/her job. It sounds like you have my kind of luck — getting the idiot doctor when you are in labor. Why can’t babies arrive during business hours?

      Also, women everywhere are JEALOUS of your fast labors. You know that, right? 🙂

  7. I went into premature labor with my son and my doctor (sweetest man EVER) was on vaca, so I got some jerk who was on call at the hospital for delivery. He only came in when I was ready to deliver and in between contractions, he sat there with his arms crossed looking totally bored, at the ceiling or at the door, he rolled his eyes a couple of times. I was so worried about my son being a month early I was crying. When they put my baby on my chest and i was really bawling by them, hearing him cry and seeing how pefect he was, the ahole says loudly and irritated “ARE YOU SICK?!” The sweet nurse that was there says “SHE IS CRYING” just as loudly to him. He rolled his eyes and walked out. The nurse apologized profusely.

    1. It sounds like we had the same doctor. Did his last name start with a Z? I mean with the eye rolling and the total lack of emotions, it has to be the same guy, right? 🙂 Big hugs to you.

  8. My asshole doctor story isn’t as bad as these are, but he really was a jerk. I was pregnant with my 3rd (every pregnancy is a little bit different and the aches and pains are different) so I would ask him about a concern about a certain anything that I had not experienced before and didn’t seem like it would be “normal” and every time I asked a question his answer would be “you wanna know why? It’s because you’re pregnant” My vagina bones feel like they are going to break – like Popsicle sticks – Do you wanna know why? It’s because you’re pregnant. I have this weird rash on the bottom of my feet that makes it impossible to walk – do you wanna know why? It’s because you’re pregnant – EVERYTHING was because I was pregnant. He retired shortly after that, thank God!

    1. I’m glad this guy retired. He sounds dangerous. What if you had pneumonia? Would that be just another pregnancy symptom. What an asshat this guy is.

  9. The first time I went to the obgyn the nurse didn’t tell me about the blanket. When the doctor came in I was sitting they’re naked, with the thing folded up on my lap. Felt so stupid.

    1. I’m really glad that the doctor’s wife explained everything to me. All young girls need someone like this to tell them what will happen during their FIRST exam. You weren’t stupid. You were nervous and didn’t know what to expect.

  10. Not my story but a friend’s. Her hymen was apparently so thick she had trouble using tampons. Her gynecologist told her there was a simple surgery he could perform to correct the problem but he didn’t want to do it because it would deprive her future husband of deflowering her. Ew, double yuck, triple asshole.

  11. Went to a new gyn for birth control(mirena) at 41 years old because my primary doctor told me it could possibly help with the 3 month long period of extremely heavy menstrual bleeding I was having due to being on a blood thinner. The doctor asked if I was married and when I told him I was separated from my husband for over ten years, he asked why I didn’t try to work things out with my husband instead of sleeping around.

    1. Holy crap! The 18th century called and it wants it’s doctor back. What the F?! I’m so sorry you had to experience that.
      I hope the Mirena worked for you. I know people who love it. I’m a Depo shot girl. I stopped getting periods after shot 3. 🙂

  12. I experienced a Dr Z during labor as well. I was having ( or was ending)a contraction when he decided to check my progress. During the exam, I told him he was hurting me even more. He stated that I wasn’t in pain and my contraction had ended before he began. I already didn’t like him ( from a previous office visit also) so I told him to lay on the bed and let somebody shove a fist up his butt while he was having a bm and THEN tell me I wasn’t hurting!! Thankfully my doctor was on call the next day for post delivery rounds and I never had to see him again. Tried to hold out on that delivery but 3 1/2 hours later, she was here! Boy, was my (then) husband glad it was over, lol.

    1. I love how these asshole doctors tell you what YOU are feeling. I love your fist BM comment. That is just the perfect way to describe it. I’m glad you never had to see him again.

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