I’m suffering from real life smacking me in the head disorder. For a good week or so after I came back from the Erma Bombeck conference, I was excited about writing. I saw it as something that could become a real career. Then, I realized that I had a full time job, a family, four pets, and jury duty. I got sidetracked and busy. I just got so overwhelmed by writing and everything else. While I do get that big $2.00 royalty check from Amazon every month for Misfit Academy and Petty Thoughts, it is just not enough to keep me going some days. I was at the point of quitting.
Let’s face it, writer friends. We have all had those days when we think that giving ourselves sinus acupuncture would be more pleasant than hitting one more roadblock to living like Stephen King. The man naps DAILY. There are days when we walk into the day jobs we STILL have and hate the fact that we are not at home in our yoga pants just writing as nature intended. Well, I know it can be tough to stay on the write, submit, get rejected merry-go-round, but we don’t have to quit. There are some simple ways to make writing easier.
Get a degree in copyright law. People will steal your stuff. They will accuse you of stealing their stuff. You won’t be able to afford a lawyer, so you’ll just need to be one. Make sure your parents, biological, step, or sugar, pay for college. You won’t be able to afford student loan debt.
Learn to be a photographer and an artist overnight. Those words you labor over are not nearly enough. Americans want pictures and they want them now. Your blog posts and books will need to be much more visual. If you take or draw all of your own pictures, you won’t have to use random “free” pictures from Google and put that fancy copyright law degree to work.
You should also just be a graphic designer. You will need to create pin worthy memes and an instantly recognizable logo for your blog and all social media sites. Make sure your logo can fit on EVERY product on Zazzle and Café Press. You’ll need to make money from selling any and everything.
Become a social media marketing genius. Learn to speak SEO and Fuckerberg’s Facebook algorithm. People can’t read your super amazing stuff if they can’t find you in the screaming, overcrowded stadium that is the internet.
Be slightly edgy yet common enough to appeal to most mortals. Make the occasional fart joke, but don’t mess with Jesus or pick-up trucks. That’ll earn you some enemies.
Do not have bills. Just accept that you won’t make money from writing. Besides, shouldn’t you just do it for free because you love it?
Don’t bother with having family or friends. They will just talk to you when you are tryingtofuckingconcentrate. CAN’T they see that you are working? You are here on earth to write a novel so good that Oprah will bring back the Oprah Winfrey show just so she can put your book under every audience member’s chair, not to engage in random chit chat!
Get on ADD meds, or coffee, or Sudafed, or meth. Meth is best. Then, you can write faster AND you won’t have teeth to brush and you can write more during that waste of the day that used to be tooth brushing time.
Check your sarcasm at the door. Here in Real Baby Mamas of Kardashia, no one understands sarcasm. It’s become higher order thinking and who wants to think when there are Springer level happenings to watch.
Preorder a tombstone that says, “She was chained to her computer night and day and Random House still doesn’t know who the fuck she is.”
See! It’s SO SIMPLE to be a writer. You just have to love pain, expect nothing, and never stop writing. Easy peasy, amiright? So, don’t quit. Type until your hands curl backwards in carpal tunnel rebellion. You got this!