Seven Reasons I will Never Be President

Like a lot of you, I am really HATING this election.  Usually, whenever there is a presidential election there is one candidate you really like and will definitely vote for.  Then, there is the other person that you don’t like that much but could still deal with as president.  This election is DIFFERENT.  So different.  There is one person with a lot of experience who is qualified to be the president, but has a few scandals, either real or false, to tarnish her reputation.  On the other side, there is a Cheeto-dusted, twice divorced, corporate racist ass who uses inflammatory language that will likely get us nuked.  We should probably all just stay intoxicated until November 9, and possibly for the four years after that.

I’m not here to tell you who to vote for. If you took eighth-grade Civics and did not fall asleep in History class, you probably know who is going to get your vote.  I’m also not here to write a big analysis of the candidates because that would require a lot of research and interfere with cat-cuddling and reading time.  Really, I admire all of the candidates running for president, even Jill Stein, because running for president is HARD.  And if the campaign is this hard, I can only imagine how impossible the actual job is.  Since I am a non-competitive, anxious hermit, I will never run for president, and here are my reasons.

I like being comfortable.

I’m not putting on a bra and traveling all over the country in uncomfortable shoes and a cloud of hairspray. Something tells me that yoga pants, a t-shirt, bathrobe, and slippers will never take the place of monochromatic suits on the campaign trail.  This makes me sad.

I’m an atheist. 

Not believing in the invisible man in the sky is not popular with American voters. Presidents and candidates must at least pretend to love the baby Jesus, his virgin mama, his daddy God, and his step-dad Joseph.  If I were remotely honest about my belief system, some whack job would use a literal interpretation of a holy book as a reason to stone me to death with bullets. No thanks. I will just stay on my couch and avoid death.

I change my mind.

It is considered dishonest if a candidate changes his or her mind. They are just supposed to maintain the same beliefs no matter what new information they receive.  If I were running, the opposition would post a side by side video of me saying “I don’t like chocolate” with one of me eating a truffle in some small candy shop in a small town in Ohio.  My explanation of “but this is DARK chocolate not crappy Hershey’s stuff” would not be acceptable.  I would be labeled anti-Hershey and thus not a real Murican.  I used to love white wine; now, I think red wine is the only palatable fermented grape drink.  This, too, would work against me.

I have IBS. 

And it’s stress induced.  As soon as a debate would start, I would run for the bathroom.  If I actually won, I would conduct all really serious meetings from the presidential throne.  I would have to live on rice and broth during the campaign.  During any international crisis, I would probably have to be hooked up to IV’s.  The good news is that I would finally achieve my goal weight.

I’m a germaphobe.

I’m not shaking anyone’s hand or holding anyone’s pukey baby unless it is through a lot of plastic.  It’s probably frowned upon to wear rubber gloves and a hazmat suit to campaign events. I’m guessing a full-on diving mask would be even more unacceptable.  Forget it.  I’m not risking catching the flu just so I can lead the free world.

I’m an introvert. 

We are known for being exhausted by crowds of people.  We also aren’t big talkers. So, the whole giving speeches thing would be tough for me as there would be people and words. So many words.  I would just want to post blogs instead of actually speak.  I don’t think the American people would go for that.  Also, I need a lot of alone time.  So, having Secret Service crammed up my ass for months on end would give me anxiety attacks.

I use colorful language.

By colorful, I mean I say fuck a lot.  To a lot of people out there, saying fuck is similar to murdering kittens and beating toddlers.  Because “bad” language is what we should get our spanx up our cracks about, not the fact that there are almost daily shootings in this here good ole U.S.A.

Well, that about sums it up. There is really no political career in my future.  I won’t be running for president, or congress, or even book club president.  What about you? Have you ever thought about running for president? Leave me a comment and tell me about it.



2 thoughts on “Seven Reasons I will Never Be President

  1. My chortle, no explosive laugh of the day (sorry if that remark is too close to the IBS thing..not meant to be). Love you Lisa!

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