According to a few random Google search results, I have found out that 45 is the official beginning of middle age. This means my son has been INCORRECT in calling me a middle-aged woman for the past ten years. I was still considered a YOUNG adult until now. Now I am 45 and ½. So, I’m in the infancy of old age, but I can tell that I am definitely middle aged based on my shrinking vocabulary and shriveling hair.
It used to be that I could flat iron my hair and look good for three days. Now, I fall asleep on it for 30 minutes and wake up looking like a Founding Father. You know, I get that stringy “I’ve been forming a new nation and I have no time to run the boar’s bristle thing through my hair” style. Because that’s what the founding fathers would’ve called a brush when they were middle aged.
Sometimes, my hair looks so bad that I just want to put it in a ponytail, but even that won’t work. I get these little hairs that bow out on both sides of my neck. I end up looking like a more haggard Ben Franklin. Not only has my hair gone all Ben Franklin on me, but I can’t form real verbal sentences.
It seems like the day I turned 45, I forgot a bunch of everyday words. So, I substitute phrases with “thing” in them.
Closet Thing = Pantry
Foot Thing = Ottoman
I can just imagine what would happen if I were on Jeopardy. I would know SO MANY of the answers; I just would not be able to actually say them. Cue the music.
THIS IS JEOPARDY!!
Fast forward through canned audience applause and Alex introducing the contestants.
Lisa: Movie Stars for $400, Alex.
Alex: This actor is known for his role in Taxi Driver.
Lisa: OH! I know him. Fuh – Um, sorry! Wait! He’s that Italian guy with the mole. And he’s in all of the mafia movies with that other Italian guy. Crap! Um! He was in that one movie with that one dark-haired guy who recently had prostate cancer. You know, the one who has the funny comedy team parents. He played that guy’s father-in-law. And he had a cat.
Alex: Yes. Who is Robert De Niro is correct!
Young contestant: But she never said, “Robert De Niro!”
Alex: Shut up, kid. You’ll be middle-aged one day! She said, “Robert De Niro.”
So, that’s middle age for me, so far. There are other shitty things, like aches in joints I didn’t know I had. (Young people, I’m talking about the joints that connect bones, not the kind that is legal in Colorado.) There are a lot of good things about middle age, too. One is that I don’t really give two shits if my hair looks like Ben Franklin’s. I notice it, but I don’t get upset about it. Well, not TOO upset.
What about you? Are you middle aged? Do you have that I could sign the Declaration of Independence hair? Can you still speak in full sentences without some version of “you know! That thing in the kitchen that cuts the food?” Leave me a comment and let me know I’m not alone.