Son: [sitting at the table with his egg sandwich] Mom, I know we are boycotting the Today Show because you hate Kathie Lee, but I need to see Megyn.
Me: You know that you are the only person under 42 who likes her, right?
Son: Yeah, I know.
Me: OK, well it’s only 8:45 now. Kathie Lee doesn’t come on until 10, so it should be safe. [I change the channel to NBC.]
Savannah Guthrie: [On TV – she doesn’t live with us.] Now, we are going to talk to our own Kathie Lee Gifford about her new book on faith – The Rock, the Road, and the Rabbi.
Me: Oh, fuck my life. I can’t get away from her.
Kathie Lee: [On TV – I would NEVER invite her to breakfast.] Blah, blah, blah. Trip to Israel. Blah, blah, blah. My faith. Blah, blah. The rock is Jesus.
Me: What did she just say?
Son: She said The Rock is Jesus.
Me: Did you just picture a metal band with Jesus as the singer?
Son: No. No, mom. I just pictured Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in a Jesus robe and sandals.
Me: YES!! He would make a great Jesus.
Son: [gets up from the chair and begins mimicking Rock Jesus] I’m here for you, my child. [Gets louder] Now, it’s time for a pec pump! [grabs his chest and makes his pecs go up and down.]
Me: [laughing and choking on coffee and then attempting a Rock voice] You can crucify me but you will never take my strong 8-pack abs!
Son: We’re going to hell.
Me: Totally, and all of the fun people will be there.