Universal Truths for Pet Owners

Today, as I washed my hands in the margarita scented foamy hand soap, and followed that up with some nice vanilla hand cream, I knew I was doomed.  As soon as that vanilla creaminess hit my hands, I thought, “Shit! I should’ve checked the laundry room first!”  You see, in our house, the laundry room is where the litter box and the puppy pad is.  Lola, our Maltese, does not use the bathroom outside.  She is too small and too white for that.  She goes on a puppy pad near the litter box, and she usually misses the pad when she poops.  That, of course, was the case today.  As soon as I washed my hands, I had to clean up shit.  So, in my head, as I was cleaning up dog shit, scooping the litter box, and then rewashing my hands, I started to come up with this list of universal truths for pet owners.

You don’t really want to know what that wet spot is.

The cat will always make it to the carpet before vomiting.

The dog will help you clean up the cat vomit.

If you have just washed your hands and put on the good, nice-smelling hand cream, you will need to clean up some sort of animal excrement from the floor within two minutes.

Always use a paper towel when picking up that unknown brown chunk from the floor.  Don’t lose a game of mud or shit with yourself.

There’s really no need to buy new dog toys.  Just move the couch.  Your dog will think it’s Christmas.

If your dog is barking as though the SWAT team is in your yard another dog is probably walking down the street.  Or a leaf blew by.  Or there is a bird sitting on the bush.  Or it’s the evil mail carrier.

Use earplugs if you ever want to take a nap.  See above.

Just have someone else express those anal glands.

Ditto for trimming black toenails.

And cat bathing.

You could make your millions by inventing cat-ass flavored dog food, and the cat really wishes you would.

What am I missing, pet owners?  What always happens in your house? Leave me a comment so we can build this list.

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