Fucking Decaf

Picture it! It’s a sunny Saturday morning.  The husband, Chris, is unloading the dishwasher, and I’m throwing a scrambled egg sandwich in the microwave for the boy, who has to work.  Poor boy.  Anyway, I decide to make coffee.

Me: Do you want some Starbucks coffee?  [I say this like I just offered my husband a treasure chest full of sex or something.]

Husband:  Are we going to Starbucks or do we have some here?

Me: [walking to the pantry like I’m about to reveal what is behind door number three]  We have some! I bought it on Thursday.

Husband:  Good.  I didn’t want to go there right now.  [Chris is not a morning person.]

Me:  You don’t have to. [Pulling out the bag of Starbucks from behind the chips]  See! I got genuine 1971 Pike’s Place.  Fuck!

Husband: What?

Me: I bought decaf!  Well, this explains everything! I told you I nearly fell asleep grading essays yesterday.  Well, essay grading is boring, but still!

Husband:

Me:  And I wanted to take a nap at 10am.  Now I get it! I drank decaf.  No wonder it was on sale. I blame Mr. Roll Tide for this.

Husband: Oh, you were chatting up your friend again.

[Mr. Roll Tide is a stockman at our local Kroger.  I love talking to him because he is from Alabama and proudly wears his Alabama hat.  I’m from Florida and also do not route for the local team, OSU.]

Me: Yes! He was on the coffee aisle, wearing his Roll Tide hat.  I told him, “Good for you for wearing that hat!” And he asked me if I was from Alabama.  I reminded him I was from Florida. So, he told me to keep rooting for the Gators.  I didn’t have the heart to tell him I was a Seminole because he was so happy to remind me that Urban Meyer was at UF before he was at OSU.  So, I got distracted and picked up decaf.  It’s all his fault.

Husband:  Of course.  Well, just make whatever swag we have.

And that’s what I did. I made cheap Aldi coffee.  Are you all crying for me?

Decaf

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