IBS with Benefits

I have IBS-D. I specified the D because there are two types of IBS.  People with IBS-C have chronic constipation, whereas IBS-D sufferers beg Santa Claus for constipation every year.  Seriously.  Constipation would be a fucking gift to someone who goes five times a day on average.  Having IBS-D is like constantly reliving that one time you ate something from the roadside stand in Tijuana.

IBS is a bipolar bowel disease. There are highs and lows and it is nearly impossible to predict an attack.  I have tried just about everything. I eliminated gluten from my diet like everyone else in suburbia. I took probiotics daily; they made me feel WORSE.  I have cut down on caffeine and alcohol. I rarely eat fried foods. You know what? I still get the volcanic shits OUT OF NOWHERE and usually when I’m far away from my comfy, PRIVATE toilet.

[Note: if you are reading this while eating, now is the time to step away from the food.]

I’ve had IBS my whole life, so I’ve learned to cope with it. Even though shitting yourself silly can suck, there are some benefits to having IBS.  Here are just a few:

Super Sphincter – I could kill someone with my anus.  I’m not talking about the smell; I’m talking about the strength.  The muscle tone from years of holding in diarrhea attacks while searching for a restroom has given me a super strong butt hole.  I could probably squeeze someone to death with it.  Maybe Marvel or DC could make a superhero like this.  I’m imagining a brown cape and, oh never mind.  I’m taking this too far.

Never Obese – It’s like having bulimia, but they won’t put you on Intervention for it. I’m only mild to moderately overweight, not scooter level obese according to my doctor.  Just kidding. Doctors don’t talk to patients that way.  What I’m trying to say is I’m a little heavy around the haunches, but I’m nowhere near being on a Discovery Channel show or having Richard Simmons cry at my bedside during a Deal a Meal commercial. I eat enough to be bigger, but I just shit it out constantly.

Purse Pharmacy – I’ve got a multitude of pills in my purse for all stomach occasions.  You got gas? I’ve got Gas-X.  You got the runs? I’ve got prescription and non-prescription relief for that.  Have you crapped yourself silly and now you just have cramps? I’ve got that covered, too.  Hang out with me and you won’t need to bring your own pharmaceuticals.

Bathroom Map – I’m like an app for locating bathrooms. I know where they all are.  I know where the best places to poop are, aside from home.  Ladies, I will tell you that the restroom in Von Maur is a little slice of heaven.  If you don’t have a Von Maur near you, and you are in need of a restroom, find the fanciest department store in the mall.  It will be safe.

Candle Collection – My husband buys so many delicious smelling candles and he usually seems to light one when I have just had an attack. This doesn’t bother me because having the bathroom smell like pumpkin cupcakes and shit is better than having it smell like just shit. The candles come in handy during the rare times when other humans visit our home and use our bathroom.  Everyone knows that other people’s crap is way nastier than your own.

Yes, IBS, D or C, can be frustrating, especially for those of us who are control freaks. I mean, if you can’t control your bowels what CAN you control?  AMIRIGHT? That is why I choose to look on the bright side and focus on these benefits to constant buttocks eruptions. What about you? Do you have IBS or some other embarrassing condition? Share your story in the comments section.

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