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Gump Trump

Mama and the Manchild: Forrest Gump Trump Edition

Son: I love me some cheese curls. [Sitting at the table with a sandwich and a little bag of Aldi’s Cheetos knockoff.]

Me: You should bring some of those fake Cheetos to your training class tonight.  [The boy works at the library and they are changing computers systems.  He has to attend two four hour training courses.]  You could get orange dust on the keyboard and people will think Trump was there.

Son: [chuckles]

Me: You could trick a kid like that on Christmas.  Instead of putting fake reindeer footprints you could put Cheeto dust footprints and tell the kid that President Trump is the new Santa.

Son: Yeah, and there would just be a piece of chocolate cake under the tree.

Me: A BEAUTIFUL chocolate cake. [Attempting a Trump impression.  Alec Baldwin’s SNL gig is safe.]

Son:  [Takes over and does perfect Trump impression with hand gestures]  It would be a BEAUTIFUL piece of chocolate cake. [switches back to his regular voice] And it would have one bite out of it because Trump feels the same about chocolate cake as Forrest Gump feels about chocolate.  [Does perfect Gump voice] I ate some.

Me: What, like Forrest Trump or something, or Gump Trump?

Son: YES! That would be perfect.  Can you just see Donald Trump sitting on a bench with his suitcase talking to some woman saying, “And then my father gave me a small loan of a million dollars and I bought a shrimping yacht.”  [The boy somehow manages to combine Gump’s and Trump’s voices and mannerisms.


Hey, Lorne Michaels, are you reading this? You need to give the boy a job!

No, God did not save the survivors at Marjory Stoneman Douglas.

It’s really easy to play armchair quarterback with the recent school shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas.  A lot of people who were not there have all sorts of opinions.  For example, most people are calling former school resource officer Scot Peterson a coward because he did not enter the school during the shooting.  I can’t really say I would have either, even if I were a cop.  The entire shooting lasted six minutes.  There was really not time to do a whole lot of thinking.  And what would have happened if he had gone in?  Would he have really had the opportunity to save those 17 kids?  Perhaps, he would have died, too.  Would that have been a good thing?

And now some folks want to arm teachers.  Let me tell you as a former middle and high school teacher, I would have been useless with a gun in that situation.  First of all, I have stress induced IBS attacks.  So, as soon as I heard gunshots and saw kids running and screaming, I would have shit my pants.  Then, I would maybe think, “I should get that gun in the drawer.”  So, I would probably start shaking from the stress and the fact that I am running around with shitty pants on. I would grab the keys to the gun drawer, because I’m assuming it would be locked, and then I would probably drop them three times.  If I did manage to get the drawer open, I would probably drop the gun and end up shooting myself somehow, or I would maybe shoot a student by accident.  Then, I would be bleeding, shitting, and crying.

Aside from the people who want to arm teachers, there are the religious people who want to arm the schools with God.  Just like with every school shooting, the religious folks are saying this happens because God isn’t allowed in school. In fact, the Florida House just voted to put “In God We Trust” on all school buildings.

What does an in god we trust sign actually do?  Does it give God permission to enter schools and stop bullets?  Because to some religious people, the separation of church and state is the reason kids are getting shot.  So, God is pissed because the faculty and administration are not allowed to push religious views? He sounds like a jerk.

There seems to be a common misconception that prayer in school has been outlawed. This is not the case. The school FORCING students to pray has been outlawed. Students can pray all they want. I’m sure a lot of people have prayed for the shootings to stop. It doesn’t seem to be working.

I have heard people say that God was in fact in the building in Florida because so many students did not die.  So, who is responsible for the people who did die, the devil? I’m sorry, but in my ever so humble opinion, that is just not rational.  It kind of reminds me of when Potsie Weber lived under my bed when I was 7.

As an atheist, I’m often asked if I’m afraid of going to hell.  The answer is no.  I am pretty sure I’m already living in hell.  I live on a planet where people are murdered daily and the majority of people are waiting for an invisible man in the sky to save us.  I’d be more likely to believe that Batman is coming to save me than God.

I don’t have an issue with my friends having a religious practice that brings joy and peace to their lives.  I have an issue with the concept that someone having “faith” is a better person than someone who is skeptical of things that are not supported by facts.

Even now in 2018, there seems to be this belief that people who believe in God are somehow better or more moral than those of us who don’t. I have finally given up on The Today Show as I’m a little tired of hearing Kathie Lee talk about “good people of faith.” She does this daily, in different conversations. They could be talking about Twizzlers, and it would end up being about her and her faith.

During the Billy Graham segment, she said Jesus was the cure for “malignancy of the soul”. I switched over to Good Morning America. Kathie Lee perpetuates the myth that you have to believe in an invisible person in the sky to be a good person. This is just not logical or correct. It is a shame that Kathie Lee is permitted to proselytize on Today.

My point is, and I do have one, that you really don’t know how you would react in a fast-paced life or death situation.  You can imagine and you can hope, but you don’t know.  So, you shouldn’t judge the people who were actually in that situation.  Also, we need to start doing something real about all of these shootings.  Whether God is real or not, he’s simply not showing up to help.  So, as many people have said already, I am going to join whatever political party those kids in Parkland are starting.  They are actually working for change and I hope a bunch of paid-off old white guys do not stand in their way.




Mass Shootings: It’s not Left or Right; It’s Life or Death.

I’m a card-carrying Democrat, but lately I’m more of a centrist.  When it comes to mass shootings and most other issues, I think everyone should be a centrist because the big issue with our country is that everyone is fighting and worried about being right, or correct, and they are not solving anything.  In my ever so humble opinion, the first issue we need to solve is school shootings, and all mass shootings, really.  I think we could have solved this years ago if it had not become such a partisan issue. Liberals think it’s a gun situation, not a mental health issue. Conservatives think it’s a mental health issue and not a gun issue.  Really, if we actually think about it and don’t just put on our red or blue shirts and go into battle mode, it is both and then some.  There are multiple things that have brought us to this point.

  1. Competition society – Everything is a competition in America. Sports, career, money, cars, grades, likeability are just a few of the things where everyone wants to be better.  It’s great to be a winner in America, and it really sucks to be a loser.  This starts early with PE in school, soccer leagues, cheerleading tryouts, etc.  When kids lose they feel bad about themselves.  Even when everyone gets a participation trophy, kids still know they lost.
  2. Crazy guns for civilians – Yes, your average Joe or Jane can buy an assault rifle in America, either legally or illegally. Who decided that people not actively engaged in a military battle needed these guns? Are they for hunting?  Have the deer started firing back and you need more powerful guns? It’s ridiculous to be able to kill so quickly and easily.
  3. Sudafed and cars – Make guns as hard to buy as Sudafed and cars. I have allergies.  I buy a lot of Sudafed products.  Where I live, you have to have a driver’s license for the state you are buying the product in.  When we first moved here, my husband was not allowed to buy Sudafed because he had not gotten his new license yet.  You also have to sign for it after having your license scanned.  They do this because there is a HOUSEHOLD limit of the amount you can buy.  Buying a car requires a lot of documentation, too.  You need insurance, you need proof of employment, you need good credit.  You can’t just go down to Walmart and buy a Chevy. You shouldn’t be able to buy a gun that easily either.
  4. Mental health – I don’t know why some of my liberal friends are so offended by the notion that maybe people who shoot dozens of people might not be right in the head. Let’s just take a look at this last gunman, Nikolas Cruz.  He tortured and killed animals.  I don’t mean he went hunting with his favorite uncle. I mean he threw rocks at a squirrel until it died. For those of you who do not read or watch the news or listen to anyone speak ever, animal abuse is a big red flag.  It is seen consistently in those who murder humans, those we call sociopaths or psychopaths.  They start out by killing animals as kids.  Nikolas did this.  You bet your sweet ass it’s a mental health issue.  How many sane people would premeditate a mass murder? They premeditate this shit, you guys.  They don’t just get really mad and shoot someone right then.  Maybe some anti-psychotics and a good long stay at a mental facility would have helped.  Who knows?
  5. Harassment – Everything is harassment now. So, even when we do know that someone is troubled and a possible threat, law enforcement often can’t do anything until that person actually hurts someone.  They can’t closely monitor them because that would be harassment.
  6. Empathy – Instead of seeing each other as the opposition, or hurdles to jump over to reach an ever important goal, we need to see each other as people. We are all people who want to be safe, healthy, and happy.  We need to stop putting each other in little boxes. Most of us don’t really fit in them anyway.

We all need to think outside our political boxes if we are going to solve this. This is not about being right or left; this is about living or dying. For real.  It is time to see people as people.  Let’s stop killing each other and start helping each other.  Please.

Mama and the Manchild – Olympic Gold Medal Edition

The manchild and I were eating breakfast and watching the Today Show, and they were interviewing Olympic snowboard gold medal winner Chloe Kim. The interviewer mentioned that Chloe’s mom said that she should go to college now, and Chloe made a face.

Me:  She doesn’t want to go to college.  You know, not everyone has to go to college.  You and I are the college types because we like books and words and all of that stuff.

Son: Right. Basically, I go to college because I don’t have anything else going on.

Me: Exactly. If you were an Olympic gold medalist, you could live off of your endorsements.

Son: I would totally whore myself out.

“Sergio, Nintendo wants you in a commercial.” OK.

“Sergio, Mountain Dew needs you in an ad.”  Sure.

“Sergio, Pabst Blue Ribbon wants you to be in a commercial.” Sure!

Me: Really? You’d even do an ad for nasty cheap beer?

Son: Yep.  I would have no pride.

Me: You’d end up in cheesy cameo spots in bad movies, too.

Son: Yes.  They’d be any movie with Amy Schumer.
I’d be there like, “Hi, I’m Sergio, gold medalist…”
Amy Schumer would say, “MY VAGINA blah, blah, blah!”

Me: Yep. That is pretty much her act – dick jokes and, well, vagina jokes.

Can you tell that we are not big Amy Schumer fans?

The boy did a great job with this! If you like Star Wars, Disney, and VR, you will love this.

Sergio Has Issues

I just got back from vacation and I…well I’m not gunna lie I am having the after vacation blues. You know when you have just had a week or two of pure bliss where you don’t have to worry about any responsibilities or problems you may have and then you get back and reality slowly starts to set in again? Well, thats where I’m at. However, I have had plenty of time to think about my time away and all the amazing things I got to experience. I got to go to one of my favorite places on planet Earth: Orlando, Florida. This former swamp that has been the magic capital of the world since the early 70’s holds a special place in my heart and has ever since I was a child. I got to share this trip with my dad and my girlfriend and we got to experience…

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The Mad Dash for Depo

Based on the way I go running into the store with frazzled 1975 Ogilvie Home Perm hair, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Kroger people called the local homeless shelter on my behalf. Today was no different.  We need to go back to last week so I can explain.

So, I have been getting the Depo shot for a few years now.  No, I did not gain weight or become crazy.  I was already chubby and irritable before starting Depo. The only side effect I have had is that I get cranky and bloated when I am due for the next shot.  Last week was week 11 and I have to get them every 12 weeks.  So, since I felt all PMSy, I called in my refill on Friday, planning to get my shot at the clinic in Kroger on Monday morning.  So, this morning, when I woke up with sore boobs and a big desire to hit people, I knew I had better get my ass over to get my shot.

I recently found out that the clinic has a sign-in ahead of time function on the website.  I had never used it so I ASSUMED (bad idea) that I could choose a time.  Nope. I entered my information and the computer told me to be there in 45 minutes.


I was still in my robe and drinking coffee.  I was about to hop on Facebook and say hi to all of you.  Instead, I was in a mad dash.  I work from home.  I am not used to being in a hurry.

I gulped down half of my coffee so I could drive with both eyes opened.  Then, I banged on my son’s door to remind him he had school today.  He yelled that he had his alarm set.

Next, I ran to my room and pulled proper undergarments from my drawers, remembering that normal people wear bras in public.  Well, mostly just women wear bras, but some men really do need them, too.  I picked up a pair of new short athletic socks, thinking I would wear sneakers.

Then, I ran to my closet and picked out jeans, an overly washed black t-shirt and a sweater that was too nice to be worn with an overly washed t-shirt.  I looked down at my sneakers and remembered how Clinton on What Not To Wear said that only Jerry Seinfeld should wear sneakers with jeans.  So, I slipped on my best manly black loafers over my white athletic socks.  I was ready to be a tourist in Florida with this look.

Then, I looked in the mirror.  Oh, my hair!  Crap! I had worn my hair curly yesterday, and as per protocol, it looked like birds had nested on my head as I slept. So, I did what you should never do with curly hair, I ran a comb through it.  Now, it was frizzy.  I didn’t have time to do anything about that, so I slapped a headband on, smeared some lip gloss on my lips and grabbed my purse and coat.

As I was backing out of the driveway, I saw the school bus go by.  I knew what that meant.  I proceeded slowly down the street and then stopped behind the bus.  I waited impatiently for the kids to get on the bus.  They did, and I thought all was well when I realized the mom, wearing flip-flops and a winter coat was standing on the bus step chatting with the driver.

FORFUCKSSAKE!!!  They chatted for approximately five years, or two minutes in real time.  I considered jumping out of my car and punching both of them while yelling, “My boobs hurt and I need my shot!” When the mom finally walked her ass up to her front door, she turned around and looked at me.  I gave her my best, “you just narrowly avoided an ass beating” look.

I screeched into the Kroger parking lot and parked by the pharmacy.  I went jogging in the door with 10 minutes to spare.  I had to stop at the pharmacy to get the Depo before heading to the clinic nextdoor to get the shot.  Lucky for me, there was no line at the pharmacy.  I had the young pharmacist laughing about my appointment making disaster.  He probably wanted to call the Vidal Sassoon hotline about my hair.

The good news is when I got to the clinic I was right on time. I did not have to wait with all of the people who looked like they had the flu.  The nurse took me right back and gave me a shot.  He was very calm and I was prattling away about my PMS symptoms and the damn school bus etc.  He probably called security and the fashion police as soon as I walked out the door.

And how is your Monday going?

U2, You Two?

So, I was the “responsible adult” who accompanied my husband to his colonoscopy on Monday.  Unfortunately, my husband’s appointment was at 2 in the afternoon.  This was tough for him because he could only “eat” clear liquids for two days.  It was tough for me because I am not an afternoon person.  If I lived a life of riches and leisure, I would nap every day at 2:00. That is when my brain naturally just SLOWS down.

When my husband’s procedure was completed, I met him in the consultation room to talk to the doctor.  The doctor explained the results and that we would hear from him when the “pathology comes back.”  So, we shook hands and began our walk to the door.  As we were walking, the doctor was walking behind us and asked us what I thought was a really strange question.

“Did you two make another album?”

Um.  My afternoon brain was confused by this question.  I answered, “Oh, you don’t want to hear us sing.”

My husband immediately agreed with me, stating we could not sing at all.  Now, he was recently shot up with a big dose of Fentanyl.  I had no such excuse.

The doctor then pointed to my husband’s U2 sweatshirt, the same one he had been wearing ALL DAY.  I looked at him with my need a nap eyes, and said, “OH! You didn’t mean us! I thought you had us confused with another couple.”

Honestly, I’m surprised they didn’t give me a sobriety test right there.  I certainly was a confused “responsible adult.”

On our drive home, my husband and I agreed that we are way more a Captain and Tennille singing couple than a Sonny and Cher type.

Confusing Matt Lauer News

I turn on the Today show at 7 every morning.  I do this right after spoon feeding my old Maltese and making coffee.  It has been a part of my morning routine for over 12 years, ever since I began working from home.  When I turned on the TV today, the first thing I saw was Matt Lauer’s picture with the word “fired” under it. There were other words, but “fired” was the one that caught my eye. I smiled.  This had to be a joke.  I checked my calendar to see if maybe I had finally hibernated through the cold, gray winter and it was now April 1.

Nope. I knew it was real when Savannah and Hoda reported the news with held back tears in their eyes. I stared in shock.

Some friends of mine said they were not shocked at all. I was.  How did I miss Matt’s creep factor? As a card-carrying member of the sexual abuse survivors club, I pride myself on being able to spot sickos.  I usually notice these things. It’s in their eyes.  For example, Charley Rose has “I sit on park benches with my fly open” eyes. It was just obvious to me.  I never saw that in Matt Lauer.

I posted on my personal Facebook page about it, asking, “Did he have an affair or was he grabbing boobs and butts?”  One of my friends replied that it shouldn’t matter what he did because it was inappropriate either way.  True. Both are inappropriate activities for the workplace, but in my ever so humble opinion, a consensual affair is a divorceable offense, not a fireable one.  My father was fired from a TV station in the 70’s for having an affair with a co-worker.  It’s not the 70’s anymore.  On the other hand, if Matt was groping co-workers, it is good that he was fired.  If he was offering some sort of gain for having sex with him, then it is great that he is gone.  If he was telling dirty jokes, viewing pornography or doing anything else to create a hostile and uncomfortable work environment, then good riddance.  I just hope that NBC actually investigated this claim before just letting him go.

No matter the reason, I will miss seeing Matt Lauer every morning. I loved his interviews.  I always said that if I did something wrong and Matt Lauer wanted to interview me, I would go into hiding.  That man did not accept any BS responses from people.  I about fell off my chair laughing with glee when he interviewed Vice President Pence about the violent protest in Charlottesville and how there were “good people on both sides.”

Now, people may interview Matt in the same way he interviewed others.  They will put him on the spot, make him uncomfortable, try to trip him up.  I will be watching when this happens. I want to see what Matt has to say.

What do you think about Matt Lauer? Are you a Lauer lover like I was, or are you on team saw this coming a mile away?  Let me hear from you in the comments.



The Prayer Team Talk

Since I work from home, I eat lunch with my son almost every day. Yesterday, we were sitting at the kitchen table having sandwiches and chips when I decided to ask him about something I heard recently that had me confused.

Me: Hey, have you ever heard of a prayer team?

Son: Prayer TEAM?

Me: Yep. She said team.

Son: No.

Me: I have a lot of questions about a prayer team.

Son: Like?

Me: What kind of jerseys do they wear?  Do they have cheerleaders? Are there referees?

Son: [shaking his head no]

Me: Is there a championship where prayer teams battle it out for God’s response? Does the winning team get a trophy? Do they pour Gatorade over the prayer coach’s head? There would have to be a coach, right?

Son: No, mom. You’ve got it all wrong.

Me: No coach?

Son: No. A prayer team is not an athletic team.

Me: OK

Son:  You know how your husband always refers to his coworkers as his team?  A prayer team works in an office.

[He gets up and points to an imaginary PowerPoint presentation on the wall.]

Son: [using his best corporate manager voice] TEAM!  As you can see, our prayers are down 30% this quarter.  Now, I want everyone on their knees the rest of the week.  We need to get these numbers up.

I laughed and took a sip of my Diet Coke.

Son: [sitting down at the table] Then, I’d probably get sued for sexual harassment for telling my coworkers to get on their knees.

I’m still recovering from shooting Diet Coke out of my nose.

Emotional Knee-Jerk Partisan Politics

A lot of people place themselves in little political or religious boxes.  They don’t research to find the facts of a situation.  They simply take a strong stand based on the ideologies they have learned throughout their lives.  It’s like an entire world of Cuban mothers-in-law and Italian fathers.  My way is right! Believe me; I know from experience.

I became a Democrat in fourth grade.  That is when President Reagan wanted to make ketchup count as a vegetable in the school lunch program. As a kid who relied on reduced priced lunches, I was floored.  I couldn’t understand how a grown up could care so little about kids.  Then my family told me that all Republicans were like that.  They wanted to spend money on war but not on poor people like us.  So, I thought that all Republicans were horrible, cold people.  I put myself in the Democrat box.

And I’m still not a Republican. I’ve been an official, voting, card-carrying Democrat since 1992.  I’ve only voted for one Republican and that’s because I knew her personally. Lately though, I feel like I don’t fit in the liberal box 100% with certain issues.  Here are a few examples.


Tearing Down Statues

We could burn down every Confederate flag, statue, grave yard, Dukes of Hazzard General Lee car and it still wouldn’t take away the cold fact that slavery existed in this country. I get that the REMINDERS will be taken away, but the actual acts are there forever. Instead of spending time and money on tearing down the artifacts of this horrible time in our country, why don’t we take the money we would spend on removing statues and donate it to the NAACP, the National Urban League, the United Negro College Fund, or a number of other organizations that specifically help African Americans. It still wouldn’t make up for slavery or the inequalities that African Americans still deal with, nothing will, but it would be more helpful than simply taking down mementos.


Taking a knee during the National Anthem

Colin Kaepernick began this trend in 2016 and now other athletes are doing the same. Personally, I’ve never been a fan of patriotism as I see it as the root of a lot of hatred for people of other cultures.  It gives people that whole my country and my culture are better feeling. So, I don’t care who stands, sits, kneels, or does cartwheels during the national anthem.  My only question is what is this actually doing? For real.  I know it is “raising awareness for how African Americans are treated”, but is it helping? Can anyone point me to a time when a police officer or other gun-toting individual was about to shoot an African American and said, “You know what? I was going to kill you, but since all these athletic fellers is protesting, I just aint gonna do it.”  Yes. That is how racists talk in my mind.


Protests after Inauguration

A bunch of really brave women protested after the inauguration in January.  They are far braver than I am because I would not have protested outside in Florida in January, much less Washington D.C. or other places, even with a nice, warm, knitted kitty-cat hat.  So, kudos to those women.  Again, though, I have to ask, what did this actually do?  Yes, it enabled people to join together and feel empowered and hug it out because we have a toddleresque tyrant as president, but what actually changed? It’s not like Trump saw all of the protests and said, “Melania, pack my rhinoceros skin luggage that the boys had made for me.  I’m not going to do this president thing.  I’m firing myself.  The people have spoken.”


Dress Code Hoopla

I’ve been in many arguments with my fellow Liberals over this one. In July, there was a big to-do over the Speaker’s Lobby dress code.  A reporter was not allowed to enter while wearing a sleeveless dress.  My liberal friends went to Facebook and Twitter with flames coming out of their ears.  How dare Paul Ryan and his buddies tell us we can’t wear sleeveless dresses?  [insert dragon roar of your choice here]  Well, if you READ the history of this dress code you would notice a couple of things.  1. Paul Ryan did not create it. (Yes, I think he looks like Eddie Muenster, too, and I really don’t like him, but totally not his fault) and 2. It is HARSHER on the men than the women. Men have to wear a full suit and tie.  With a jacket.  I’d rather wear a dress with sleeves, which I would rather do anyway as I am one of five women in the world who doesn’t equate showing every ounce of skin with “fashion”.

A lot of people also get upset about school dress codes because they are different for boys and girls.  The reason why there are different rules for girls is that boys don’t show up in booty shorts. I’m pretty sure the school would send a boy home if he were wearing a micro mini skirt.  If you want to blame someone, blame the fashion industry for making labia bearing shorts for girls and NORMAL shorts for boys.

I’m quite sure that some of my readers will not be a fan of this blog. That’s OK. For some reason, these are divisive issues, as are most issues now. In my ever so humble opinion, the only way to bring our country back together, or as together as it can get, is to jump out of our partisan boxes.  Let’s talk to each other as human beings rather than enemies.   Let’s get to know each other as people, not political candidates. Do a little more logical research rather than emotional thinking.  Above all, everyone needs to vote for the candidate that represents them best.