Category Archives: Uncategorized

The Things my Mother did Right

One of the things that a lot of people, including myself, love to complain about is their imperfect childhoods.  We sit on many a couch in many a therapist office talking about it.  We seem to blame our parents for a lot, and our mothers usually take the brunt of that.  So, to get away from that Freudian way of thinking, I would like to share with you some of the great things my mom taught me.

Mom taught me to dress nicely when going to the hair salon.  If you dress like a slob, they will think that is how you want to look. Actually, my mom has always dressed nicely to go anywhere.  There were no sweatpants and Crocs on her.

Mom told me it is better to be slightly underdressed than really overdressed.

Mom pushed me to go to college.  After high school, the last thing I wanted to do was go to school.  I wanted to nap, read, and cuddle kittens.  I still just want to do these things, but now I do them with a master’s degree and an online job.

Mom moved to Florida before I was born.  My father got a job there, and even though they were not getting along, she decided to make the move with him.  I’m glad she did. This enabled me to grow up with people of many cultures and religions.

Mom taught me to tip generously.  She tips everyone, even the cashier at Wendy’s.

Mom taught me to make a family out of friends.  My mom was never one of those “blood is thicker than water” folks.  She taught me that if someone did you wrong, even if they were family, it was ok to get them out of your life.

Finally, Mom taught me to treat myself sometimes.  My mom was not a saver.  She would rather have the better product than the cheaper one.  This is a trait I have inherited.  It is why my husband is in charge of our money.   : )

I learned a lot of great things from my mom.  These are really just a few of them.  Let me hear from you in the comments.  What are your favorite lessons that you learned from your mom?

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Mama and the Manchild: Tap that at the Tap House Edition

The boy, the husband and I are sitting at the table having bagels and coffee on a Sunday morning.  The husband is going through Open Table and finding a dinner spot for when we are in DC for our nephew’s wedding.

Husband:  Here’s a good one — Tap House. It looks like it has something for everyone.

Me: You mean plain things for boring eaters like me.

Son: Tap House – why do they call it that?

Me and the husband:  Beer on tap.

Son:  OH! I thought it was like a tap dancing place.

Me: (feeling hyper from the coffee and getting up from the table)  HI! Welcome to Tap House. Follow me to your table.  (fake tap dancing and walking out of the kitchen)

Son:  (laughing)  YES!! Oh my God! Let that be real!! There needs to be a place like this.

Me: (Still fake tapping) What can I get you guys to drink?

Son:  Yes! See, you’re making it kind of a cheesy, campy place, which is great. I pictured it as a really exclusive place.  You know, it would be really classy and there would be a pianist playing on a stage and then a really serious tap dancer.

Husband: You guys are scaring me.

Me:  Either way, the shifts would have to be short there.  Their feet would hurt.  What if someone called in sick and your four-hour shift became eight hours.

Son: That’s why they would have understudies.  If someone called in sick, the understudy would work.  I can just see him backstage calling his mom.  “Mom! It’s finally my time to shine!”

Me: (laughing)

Son: So, what would we call it?

Me: Tap House!

Son: Ok. I was thinking we’d call it I’d Tap That.

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Mama and the Manchild: Couch Potato in Crime

 

The boy and I have a mutual friend that he works with.  She is young, funny, smart, pretty, and single.  She has not had much luck with the usual dating apps. She wants to date, but she is also introverted and doesn’t get out much.  As she says, “I don’t bar hop or climb mountains.  I want to find my couch potato in crime.”  So, the boy and I were chatting about her in the kitchen, and the husband was on the couch commenting.

Husband:  Well, she’s never going to find a boyfriend watching Netflix.

Me:  Wait a minute! What if she could? I bet we could design an app for that.

Husband:  Tinder already exists. You can date from your couch.

Me and the son (at the same time) – No!! No!! You could match people by shows.

Husband looks a bit scared because sometimes the boy and I share a brain.  He also looks confused because he’s really not a big fan of movies or TV unless it’s Shameless (American and UK).

Me:  Yes!! People could choose the shows they stream and the movies they like.  We could call it Netflix and chill.

Son: Mom, I’m pretty sure Netflix would sue us for that.

Me: What about Hulu and hug?

Son: No, mom. No.

 

Friends, does such an app exist?  Can you find your partner based on your streaming preferences? If not, can one of you invent this?  We can go on Shark Tank together.

 

 

 

 

 

Mama and the Manchild: The Vibrator Conversation

The boy, the husband, and I are having breakfast.  The boy massages his shoulder and upper back.

Me: Does your back hurt?

Boy:  A little.

Me: Did you hurt yourself at work or something? (He works at the library so this is not likely.)

Boy: No.  It’s fine.  I think I just slept wrong.

Me: Do you want to use my vibrator?

Boy: MOM!

Me: I don’t mean that! I don’t even have one of those.  It’s a back massager!

Boy: MMMHMMM.

Husband: This conversation is making me uncomfortable.

Me: But you bought it for me!

Boy: OK. I definitely don’t want to hear any more.

Me: It’s for those knots I get in my back.  It’s HUGE!

Boy: OK, mom.

Husband: You’re not making it any better.

Me: Come on! You know what I’m talking about.  It has these big balls on it.

Boy: MOM!!

Me: Massaging balls!! It heats up, too.

Husband: That sounds painful.

Me: I give up.

Later, the boy’s girlfriend comes over after work.

GF: I moved a lot of stuff at work today.  My back hurts.

Me: You wanna use my vibrator?

Boy: Mom, just don’t start.

Universal Truths for Pet Owners

Today, as I washed my hands in the margarita scented foamy hand soap, and followed that up with some nice vanilla hand cream, I knew I was doomed.  As soon as that vanilla creaminess hit my hands, I thought, “Shit! I should’ve checked the laundry room first!”  You see, in our house, the laundry room is where the litter box and the puppy pad is.  Lola, our Maltese, does not use the bathroom outside.  She is too small and too white for that.  She goes on a puppy pad near the litter box, and she usually misses the pad when she poops.  That, of course, was the case today.  As soon as I washed my hands, I had to clean up shit.  So, in my head, as I was cleaning up dog shit, scooping the litter box, and then rewashing my hands, I started to come up with this list of universal truths for pet owners.

You don’t really want to know what that wet spot is.

The cat will always make it to the carpet before vomiting.

The dog will help you clean up the cat vomit.

If you have just washed your hands and put on the good, nice-smelling hand cream, you will need to clean up some sort of animal excrement from the floor within two minutes.

Always use a paper towel when picking up that unknown brown chunk from the floor.  Don’t lose a game of mud or shit with yourself.

There’s really no need to buy new dog toys.  Just move the couch.  Your dog will think it’s Christmas.

If your dog is barking as though the SWAT team is in your yard another dog is probably walking down the street.  Or a leaf blew by.  Or there is a bird sitting on the bush.  Or it’s the evil mail carrier.

Use earplugs if you ever want to take a nap.  See above.

Just have someone else express those anal glands.

Ditto for trimming black toenails.

And cat bathing.

You could make your millions by inventing cat-ass flavored dog food, and the cat really wishes you would.

What am I missing, pet owners?  What always happens in your house? Leave me a comment so we can build this list.

Mama and the Man Child: The Rock is Jesus Edition 

Son: [sitting at the table with his egg sandwich]  Mom, I know we are boycotting the Today Show because you hate Kathie Lee, but I need to see Megyn.

Me: You know that you are the only person under 42 who likes her, right?

Son: Yeah, I know.

Me:  OK, well it’s only 8:45 now.  Kathie Lee doesn’t come on until 10, so it should be safe.  [I change the channel to NBC.]

Savannah Guthrie: [On TV – she doesn’t live with us.]  Now, we are going to talk to our own Kathie Lee Gifford about her new book on faith – The Rock, the Road, and the Rabbi.

Me: Oh, fuck my life.  I can’t get away from her.

Son: [laughing]

Kathie Lee:  [On TV – I would NEVER invite her to breakfast.]  Blah, blah, blah. Trip to Israel.  Blah, blah, blah.  My faith.  Blah, blah.  The rock is Jesus.

Me: What did she just say?

Son: She said The Rock is Jesus.

Me: Did you just picture a metal band with Jesus as the singer?

Son:  No. No, mom.  I just pictured Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in a Jesus robe and sandals.

Me: YES!! He would make a great Jesus.

Son: [gets up from the chair and begins mimicking Rock Jesus]  I’m here for you, my child.  [Gets louder]  Now, it’s time for a pec pump!  [grabs his chest and makes his pecs go up and down.]

Me: [laughing and choking on coffee and then attempting a Rock voice]  You can crucify me but you will never take my strong 8-pack abs!

Son: We’re going to hell.

Me: Totally, and all of the fun people will be there.

 

 

Gump Trump

Mama and the Manchild: Forrest Gump Trump Edition

Son: I love me some cheese curls. [Sitting at the table with a sandwich and a little bag of Aldi’s Cheetos knockoff.]

Me: You should bring some of those fake Cheetos to your training class tonight.  [The boy works at the library and they are changing computers systems.  He has to attend two four hour training courses.]  You could get orange dust on the keyboard and people will think Trump was there.

Son: [chuckles]

Me: You could trick a kid like that on Christmas.  Instead of putting fake reindeer footprints you could put Cheeto dust footprints and tell the kid that President Trump is the new Santa.

Son: Yeah, and there would just be a piece of chocolate cake under the tree.

Me: A BEAUTIFUL chocolate cake. [Attempting a Trump impression.  Alec Baldwin’s SNL gig is safe.]

Son:  [Takes over and does perfect Trump impression with hand gestures]  It would be a BEAUTIFUL piece of chocolate cake. [switches back to his regular voice] And it would have one bite out of it because Trump feels the same about chocolate cake as Forrest Gump feels about chocolate.  [Does perfect Gump voice] I ate some.

Me: What, like Forrest Trump or something, or Gump Trump?

Son: YES! That would be perfect.  Can you just see Donald Trump sitting on a bench with his suitcase talking to some woman saying, “And then my father gave me a small loan of a million dollars and I bought a shrimping yacht.”  [The boy somehow manages to combine Gump’s and Trump’s voices and mannerisms.

 

Hey, Lorne Michaels, are you reading this? You need to give the boy a job!

No, God did not save the survivors at Marjory Stoneman Douglas.

It’s really easy to play armchair quarterback with the recent school shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas.  A lot of people who were not there have all sorts of opinions.  For example, most people are calling former school resource officer Scot Peterson a coward because he did not enter the school during the shooting.  I can’t really say I would have either, even if I were a cop.  The entire shooting lasted six minutes.  There was really not time to do a whole lot of thinking.  And what would have happened if he had gone in?  Would he have really had the opportunity to save those 17 kids?  Perhaps, he would have died, too.  Would that have been a good thing?

And now some folks want to arm teachers.  Let me tell you as a former middle and high school teacher, I would have been useless with a gun in that situation.  First of all, I have stress induced IBS attacks.  So, as soon as I heard gunshots and saw kids running and screaming, I would have shit my pants.  Then, I would maybe think, “I should get that gun in the drawer.”  So, I would probably start shaking from the stress and the fact that I am running around with shitty pants on. I would grab the keys to the gun drawer, because I’m assuming it would be locked, and then I would probably drop them three times.  If I did manage to get the drawer open, I would probably drop the gun and end up shooting myself somehow, or I would maybe shoot a student by accident.  Then, I would be bleeding, shitting, and crying.

Aside from the people who want to arm teachers, there are the religious people who want to arm the schools with God.  Just like with every school shooting, the religious folks are saying this happens because God isn’t allowed in school. In fact, the Florida House just voted to put “In God We Trust” on all school buildings.

What does an in god we trust sign actually do?  Does it give God permission to enter schools and stop bullets?  Because to some religious people, the separation of church and state is the reason kids are getting shot.  So, God is pissed because the faculty and administration are not allowed to push religious views? He sounds like a jerk.

There seems to be a common misconception that prayer in school has been outlawed. This is not the case. The school FORCING students to pray has been outlawed. Students can pray all they want. I’m sure a lot of people have prayed for the shootings to stop. It doesn’t seem to be working.

I have heard people say that God was in fact in the building in Florida because so many students did not die.  So, who is responsible for the people who did die, the devil? I’m sorry, but in my ever so humble opinion, that is just not rational.  It kind of reminds me of when Potsie Weber lived under my bed when I was 7.

As an atheist, I’m often asked if I’m afraid of going to hell.  The answer is no.  I am pretty sure I’m already living in hell.  I live on a planet where people are murdered daily and the majority of people are waiting for an invisible man in the sky to save us.  I’d be more likely to believe that Batman is coming to save me than God.

I don’t have an issue with my friends having a religious practice that brings joy and peace to their lives.  I have an issue with the concept that someone having “faith” is a better person than someone who is skeptical of things that are not supported by facts.

Even now in 2018, there seems to be this belief that people who believe in God are somehow better or more moral than those of us who don’t. I have finally given up on The Today Show as I’m a little tired of hearing Kathie Lee talk about “good people of faith.” She does this daily, in different conversations. They could be talking about Twizzlers, and it would end up being about her and her faith.

During the Billy Graham segment, she said Jesus was the cure for “malignancy of the soul”. I switched over to Good Morning America. Kathie Lee perpetuates the myth that you have to believe in an invisible person in the sky to be a good person. This is just not logical or correct. It is a shame that Kathie Lee is permitted to proselytize on Today.

My point is, and I do have one, that you really don’t know how you would react in a fast-paced life or death situation.  You can imagine and you can hope, but you don’t know.  So, you shouldn’t judge the people who were actually in that situation.  Also, we need to start doing something real about all of these shootings.  Whether God is real or not, he’s simply not showing up to help.  So, as many people have said already, I am going to join whatever political party those kids in Parkland are starting.  They are actually working for change and I hope a bunch of paid-off old white guys do not stand in their way.

 

 

 

Mass Shootings: It’s not Left or Right; It’s Life or Death.

I’m a card-carrying Democrat, but lately I’m more of a centrist.  When it comes to mass shootings and most other issues, I think everyone should be a centrist because the big issue with our country is that everyone is fighting and worried about being right, or correct, and they are not solving anything.  In my ever so humble opinion, the first issue we need to solve is school shootings, and all mass shootings, really.  I think we could have solved this years ago if it had not become such a partisan issue. Liberals think it’s a gun situation, not a mental health issue. Conservatives think it’s a mental health issue and not a gun issue.  Really, if we actually think about it and don’t just put on our red or blue shirts and go into battle mode, it is both and then some.  There are multiple things that have brought us to this point.

  1. Competition society – Everything is a competition in America. Sports, career, money, cars, grades, likeability are just a few of the things where everyone wants to be better.  It’s great to be a winner in America, and it really sucks to be a loser.  This starts early with PE in school, soccer leagues, cheerleading tryouts, etc.  When kids lose they feel bad about themselves.  Even when everyone gets a participation trophy, kids still know they lost.
  2. Crazy guns for civilians – Yes, your average Joe or Jane can buy an assault rifle in America, either legally or illegally. Who decided that people not actively engaged in a military battle needed these guns? Are they for hunting?  Have the deer started firing back and you need more powerful guns? It’s ridiculous to be able to kill so quickly and easily.
  3. Sudafed and cars – Make guns as hard to buy as Sudafed and cars. I have allergies.  I buy a lot of Sudafed products.  Where I live, you have to have a driver’s license for the state you are buying the product in.  When we first moved here, my husband was not allowed to buy Sudafed because he had not gotten his new license yet.  You also have to sign for it after having your license scanned.  They do this because there is a HOUSEHOLD limit of the amount you can buy.  Buying a car requires a lot of documentation, too.  You need insurance, you need proof of employment, you need good credit.  You can’t just go down to Walmart and buy a Chevy. You shouldn’t be able to buy a gun that easily either.
  4. Mental health – I don’t know why some of my liberal friends are so offended by the notion that maybe people who shoot dozens of people might not be right in the head. Let’s just take a look at this last gunman, Nikolas Cruz.  He tortured and killed animals.  I don’t mean he went hunting with his favorite uncle. I mean he threw rocks at a squirrel until it died. For those of you who do not read or watch the news or listen to anyone speak ever, animal abuse is a big red flag.  It is seen consistently in those who murder humans, those we call sociopaths or psychopaths.  They start out by killing animals as kids.  Nikolas did this.  You bet your sweet ass it’s a mental health issue.  How many sane people would premeditate a mass murder? They premeditate this shit, you guys.  They don’t just get really mad and shoot someone right then.  Maybe some anti-psychotics and a good long stay at a mental facility would have helped.  Who knows?
  5. Harassment – Everything is harassment now. So, even when we do know that someone is troubled and a possible threat, law enforcement often can’t do anything until that person actually hurts someone.  They can’t closely monitor them because that would be harassment.
  6. Empathy – Instead of seeing each other as the opposition, or hurdles to jump over to reach an ever important goal, we need to see each other as people. We are all people who want to be safe, healthy, and happy.  We need to stop putting each other in little boxes. Most of us don’t really fit in them anyway.

We all need to think outside our political boxes if we are going to solve this. This is not about being right or left; this is about living or dying. For real.  It is time to see people as people.  Let’s stop killing each other and start helping each other.  Please.

Mama and the Manchild – Olympic Gold Medal Edition

The manchild and I were eating breakfast and watching the Today Show, and they were interviewing Olympic snowboard gold medal winner Chloe Kim. The interviewer mentioned that Chloe’s mom said that she should go to college now, and Chloe made a face.

Me:  She doesn’t want to go to college.  You know, not everyone has to go to college.  You and I are the college types because we like books and words and all of that stuff.

Son: Right. Basically, I go to college because I don’t have anything else going on.

Me: Exactly. If you were an Olympic gold medalist, you could live off of your endorsements.

Son: I would totally whore myself out.

“Sergio, Nintendo wants you in a commercial.” OK.

“Sergio, Mountain Dew needs you in an ad.”  Sure.

“Sergio, Pabst Blue Ribbon wants you to be in a commercial.” Sure!

Me: Really? You’d even do an ad for nasty cheap beer?

Son: Yep.  I would have no pride.

Me: You’d end up in cheesy cameo spots in bad movies, too.

Son: Yes.  They’d be any movie with Amy Schumer.
I’d be there like, “Hi, I’m Sergio, gold medalist…”
Amy Schumer would say, “MY VAGINA blah, blah, blah!”

Me: Yep. That is pretty much her act – dick jokes and, well, vagina jokes.

Can you tell that we are not big Amy Schumer fans?