Tag Archives: Awards

I don’t love babies and puppies. Sue me.

If you know me, you know I’m weird.  Even when I was a kid, I was always the odd one in any group.  All of my fellow summer campers would get excited about swimming time but I would get an anxiety induced stomachache.  The other birthday party guests would eat the entire strip of chocolate iced cream in the carton of Neopolitan, and I was usually the only kid waiting for a scoop of vanilla.

Everyone who didn't make basketball cheerleading "made" wrestlerettes.
Everyone who didn’t make basketball cheerleading “made” wrestlerettes.

I used to hate being different, and I spent my youth chasing normal.  I tried out for cheerleading and homecoming court, you know all of the things teen girls are supposed to want to do. I went to the beach a lot, even though I have always hated swimming. Now, at the ripe old age of 28 (44), I have decided not to care about being normal.  I’m just going to embrace my oddness and come out of the closet about all of the things I am not in love with that normal people like.

Babies – They’re needy little balls of barf and mustard shit.  EVERYONE loves babies.  People spend thousands on fertility treatments to have babies.  I don’t get it. I never had that baby desperation.  I have a son and I love him.  He was a baby once and I loved him then, too, but I really started to enjoy our life together when he could wipe his own ass and sleep all night. Talking instead of scream crying was a bonus, too.

Chocolate – I’d rather have a good vanilla cheesecake. Or a Twinkie.  Or vanilla ice cream.  I have chocolate in really small doses because it makes me feel like I have a huge coco puff loogie in my throat.

I always loved cats.
I always loved cats.

Puppies – Just like babies, they’re needy and hard to potty train.  Crate training our huge Sophie drove me to drink.  Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve been a cat person. I hated going over to anyone’s house who had a dog because the minute I would walk in the door the dog jumped on me or stuck his head in my nether regions.  Yes, I have two dogs now. Not my choice.  I take care of them, but I love the cats way more. The dogs are not aware of this and follow me everywhere.

Beer – Can we just drink carbonated urine instead? Everyone has a big old chubby for craft beer.  It should be called crap beer.  It tastes just like all other beer. I’m not sure what is so crafty about it.  Does it knit or something?   I enjoy martinis and scotch.  Hell, even yoga pant wearing mom approved wine is better than beer.

Awards Shows – Four words: Who gives a f#$%? Let me get this straight, you already play dress up for a living and earn more than a second world nation, and we are supposed to give you a trophy and glamorous after parties and goodie bags filled with free stuff, too?  Teachers and Firemen, and other people who really work, should get an awards show.

Jesus – Everyone loves to say we are a “Christian nation.”  Guess what? We aren’t.  We have separation of church and state.  It doesn’t matter what the Bible says; it matters what the Constitution says.  And I am SO SICK of people trying to pass “moral” laws.  “Because Jesus” is not a reason to pass a law.  Plus, Jesus would probably think most “Christians” today are assholes.

Yep. I’m not normal.  After writing this, I totally get why I have very few close friends, and most of them are cats.  If anyone is reading this, leave me a comment and let me know if you are normal, an oddball, or somewhere in the middle.

The First Annual Award Show for People Who Should Give Their Money To Teachers and Firemen, Etc.

It’s that time of year again, kids.  It’s time for the endless stream of shows where people who play dress-up for a living are celebrated.  Seriously, these people do nothing more than “play pretend” like we all did when we were little.  The only difference is that they get paid millions and billions of dollars to do so.

I don’t mean to say that these actors, directors, singers and whatever elses don’t deserve their money. OF COURSE they deserve millions and billions of dollars for putting on costumes and pretending to be other people. They are performing a valuable service to humanity.  I mean, without actors we wouldn’t have movies, or TV shows.  Then, what would we do while we sit on our couches and scarf down KFC straight out of the bucket.  Without constant visual entertainment, we may have to talk to each other, or, gulp, even exercise.

I hear you. “But, Lisa, celebrities contribute a lot of time and effort to a variety of charities, and they adopt poor foreign children.”  Yes, I too have seen the fabulous news stories about celebrities raising cash for the poor.  I wonder if they would put the same amount of energy into these things if they actually had to work every day, for a normal rate of pay, without a bunch of positive publicity for every charitable thing they do.

There are people who help others every day, who do not make oodles of money, or have fabulous awards shows.  They are called Firefighters, Paramedics, Teachers, Nurses and Volunteers.  Most of them earn barely enough to pay their bills, and volunteers earn NOTHING.  They do not get to borrow fabulous jewelry and gowns, or parade around on a red carpet to be adored by all.  They simply do what they are driven to do – help people.

So, instead of having another stupid award show every 32 seconds, let’s just have one show every year.  It can run for 24 hours straight, or even the whole weekend, if necessary.  We can call it The First Annual Award Show for People Who Should Give Their Money To Teachers and Firemen, Etc.  All proceeds from advertising will be given to people who work hard and actually do something, oh say, real.  All gowns, jewelry and trophies will be sold and that money will also be given to folks who do not find it necessary to air their dirty laundry in various bars around LA.

And that is today’s rant.  Tune in later when I go after the Stupor Bowl.

Note: This post was previously published on my old Salon blog.