If you know me, you know I’m weird. Even when I was a kid, I was always the odd one in any group. All of my fellow summer campers would get excited about swimming time but I would get an anxiety induced stomachache. The other birthday party guests would eat the entire strip of chocolate iced cream in the carton of Neopolitan, and I was usually the only kid waiting for a scoop of vanilla.
I used to hate being different, and I spent my youth chasing normal. I tried out for cheerleading and homecoming court, you know all of the things teen girls are supposed to want to do. I went to the beach a lot, even though I have always hated swimming. Now, at the ripe old age of 28 (44), I have decided not to care about being normal. I’m just going to embrace my oddness and come out of the closet about all of the things I am not in love with that normal people like.
Babies – They’re needy little balls of barf and mustard shit. EVERYONE loves babies. People spend thousands on fertility treatments to have babies. I don’t get it. I never had that baby desperation. I have a son and I love him. He was a baby once and I loved him then, too, but I really started to enjoy our life together when he could wipe his own ass and sleep all night. Talking instead of scream crying was a bonus, too.
Chocolate – I’d rather have a good vanilla cheesecake. Or a Twinkie. Or vanilla ice cream. I have chocolate in really small doses because it makes me feel like I have a huge coco puff loogie in my throat.
Puppies – Just like babies, they’re needy and hard to potty train. Crate training our huge Sophie drove me to drink. Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve been a cat person. I hated going over to anyone’s house who had a dog because the minute I would walk in the door the dog jumped on me or stuck his head in my nether regions. Yes, I have two dogs now. Not my choice. I take care of them, but I love the cats way more. The dogs are not aware of this and follow me everywhere.
Beer – Can we just drink carbonated urine instead? Everyone has a big old chubby for craft beer. It should be called crap beer. It tastes just like all other beer. I’m not sure what is so crafty about it. Does it knit or something? I enjoy martinis and scotch. Hell, even yoga pant wearing mom approved wine is better than beer.
Awards Shows – Four words: Who gives a f#$%? Let me get this straight, you already play dress up for a living and earn more than a second world nation, and we are supposed to give you a trophy and glamorous after parties and goodie bags filled with free stuff, too? Teachers and Firemen, and other people who really work, should get an awards show.
Jesus – Everyone loves to say we are a “Christian nation.” Guess what? We aren’t. We have separation of church and state. It doesn’t matter what the Bible says; it matters what the Constitution says. And I am SO SICK of people trying to pass “moral” laws. “Because Jesus” is not a reason to pass a law. Plus, Jesus would probably think most “Christians” today are assholes.
Yep. I’m not normal. After writing this, I totally get why I have very few close friends, and most of them are cats. If anyone is reading this, leave me a comment and let me know if you are normal, an oddball, or somewhere in the middle.