Tag Archives: Beer

I don’t love babies and puppies. Sue me.

If you know me, you know I’m weird.  Even when I was a kid, I was always the odd one in any group.  All of my fellow summer campers would get excited about swimming time but I would get an anxiety induced stomachache.  The other birthday party guests would eat the entire strip of chocolate iced cream in the carton of Neopolitan, and I was usually the only kid waiting for a scoop of vanilla.

Everyone who didn't make basketball cheerleading "made" wrestlerettes.
Everyone who didn’t make basketball cheerleading “made” wrestlerettes.

I used to hate being different, and I spent my youth chasing normal.  I tried out for cheerleading and homecoming court, you know all of the things teen girls are supposed to want to do. I went to the beach a lot, even though I have always hated swimming. Now, at the ripe old age of 28 (44), I have decided not to care about being normal.  I’m just going to embrace my oddness and come out of the closet about all of the things I am not in love with that normal people like.

Babies – They’re needy little balls of barf and mustard shit.  EVERYONE loves babies.  People spend thousands on fertility treatments to have babies.  I don’t get it. I never had that baby desperation.  I have a son and I love him.  He was a baby once and I loved him then, too, but I really started to enjoy our life together when he could wipe his own ass and sleep all night. Talking instead of scream crying was a bonus, too.

Chocolate – I’d rather have a good vanilla cheesecake. Or a Twinkie.  Or vanilla ice cream.  I have chocolate in really small doses because it makes me feel like I have a huge coco puff loogie in my throat.

I always loved cats.
I always loved cats.

Puppies – Just like babies, they’re needy and hard to potty train.  Crate training our huge Sophie drove me to drink.  Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve been a cat person. I hated going over to anyone’s house who had a dog because the minute I would walk in the door the dog jumped on me or stuck his head in my nether regions.  Yes, I have two dogs now. Not my choice.  I take care of them, but I love the cats way more. The dogs are not aware of this and follow me everywhere.

Beer – Can we just drink carbonated urine instead? Everyone has a big old chubby for craft beer.  It should be called crap beer.  It tastes just like all other beer. I’m not sure what is so crafty about it.  Does it knit or something?   I enjoy martinis and scotch.  Hell, even yoga pant wearing mom approved wine is better than beer.

Awards Shows – Four words: Who gives a f#$%? Let me get this straight, you already play dress up for a living and earn more than a second world nation, and we are supposed to give you a trophy and glamorous after parties and goodie bags filled with free stuff, too?  Teachers and Firemen, and other people who really work, should get an awards show.

Jesus – Everyone loves to say we are a “Christian nation.”  Guess what? We aren’t.  We have separation of church and state.  It doesn’t matter what the Bible says; it matters what the Constitution says.  And I am SO SICK of people trying to pass “moral” laws.  “Because Jesus” is not a reason to pass a law.  Plus, Jesus would probably think most “Christians” today are assholes.

Yep. I’m not normal.  After writing this, I totally get why I have very few close friends, and most of them are cats.  If anyone is reading this, leave me a comment and let me know if you are normal, an oddball, or somewhere in the middle.

Internment Camp, Here I Come!

My friend just shared something super scary with me in the form of this link:  Re-Education Camps .  Basically, according to this, people who may be less than patriotic, and outspoken about it, could be put in a camp, kind of like the Japanese Americans were during World War II.  I looked into it and it appears to be true.  So, I immediately thought, “I’m screwed.” At the risk of NSA catching wind of my very unpatriotic activities, I’m going to go ahead and share my anti-American ways with you all.

  1.  I hate the great outdoors. Americans love their camping and hiking and fishing and hunting, and all of that other Deep Woods Off BS. I hate it. I love air-conditioning and, in the winter, heating. I love indoor plumbing. I love furniture. I love comfort, and I love NOT being bitten by mosquitoes. I hate rain and I LOATHE being cold.  I don’t understand why there are outside venues for anything.  There should be glass buildings with climate control systems for outdoor events. Last summer, I ventured to outdoor activities.  I was stung by a wasp and ended up with cellulitis.  This required a 10-day course of antibiotics and all of the fun stomach stuff that goes along with that. Shortly after that, chiggers bit me. If you have never encountered chiggers, I don’t recommend it. I literally considered cutting my abdomen with a steak knife to stop the itch.  I got so desperate that I actually put nail polish on my stomach, a folk remedy, and it actually worked.  
  2. Dogs are not my favorite animals.  I’m not going to “run one over” like cat-hater woman would,or anything.  I would just rather not be around dogs. They are needy creatures, and I prefer independent beings, like cats and teenagers. Dog people love to say how unfriendly cats are, but I think that shows how needy they are, rather than how mean cats are.  I don’t like or need to be needed, which is why I have ONE child.
  3.  I’m not a lover of babies.  Now, again, as with dogs, I would never harm one. I always wave at them if they stare at me from their seats in grocery store carts or restaurant high chairs, but I will never beg to hold one or goo goo or ga ga over one.  If I had not been lucky enough to have my son, I would not have gone through fertility treatments or shed tears etc.  I would have been fine.  I love my son, and I loved him when he was a baby.  I also celebrate his growing independence. At 16, he can now use the bathroom alone, dress himself, and make himself a meal.  Of course, he’s been able to do these things for quite some time.  It’s not like he just now started going to the bathroom alone.  If my son has bothered to read this blog, he is now sufficiently embarrassed.  I have done my job. 
  4.  I hate Mountain Dew and beer, and I’m not talking about together.  I’m pretty sure I haven’t tasted Mountain Dew since before I went through puberty.  Yes, young people, it has been around that long. I think beer should be used as a repellant of some sort. It tastes like it smells, which I’m pretty sure is like urine, though I don’t have a frame of reference for this other than beer.
  5.  I think professional sports are a waste of everyone’s, time, money, and focus. Seriously, there is still war, famine, rape, physical abuse, poverty, and a host of other things on which to focus our money and attention.  Yet, we continue to have parades for teams who catch and throw balls.  They are heroes.  Really?  Let’s throw parades for fire fighters, paramedics, military people, doctors, nurses, teachers, or anyone else who works their behinds off to help people.  Better yet, let’s not have parades, another mindless activity.  Let’s take our parade money, and add it to our professional athlete salary money, and make sure that no one is hungry, homeless, or sick. 

 So, as you can see, I’m doomed.  I will likely be taken to a camp shortly.  I’m certain, after reading this, the authorities will be sure to make me sleep outside with screaming babies and needy dogs.  They will feed me a diet of Mountain Dew and beer and make me watch every professional sporting event possible. 

 Disclaimer:  I don’t really think I will be taken to an internment camp for not liking Mountain Dew and dogs.  I express my opinions in this blog, and I do that sarcastically.  While I am being honest, I’m not always being serious.  I will never argue with anyone over opinions.  You have yours; I have mine.