Tag Archives: Bloggess

Dayum, Dallas!

I’m headed to Florida with my son to visit the love of his life, his grandma. (Sorry, L!) On my way to the airport for this trip, I remembered that I never told you guys about my layover in Dallas back in July. The husband and I were on our way back from California and we got to spend about three hours in the Dallas airport. I have never actually visited Texas, but I do feel like I got a glimpse of this huge state just by visiting the airport.

I took lots of pictures to share with you, but then totally forgot to actually share them. I think I’m getting old. As you can imagine, a lot of the pictures were cow related, but some involved other kinds of dead animals. Everything may be bigger in Texas, but it’s also deader. It’s no mistake that the Bloggess, lover of taxidermy, is a Texas native.

So, this won’t be a wordy blog, more like a picture book. We can call it Dick and Jane Go to Dallas, but use Chris and Lisa instead. Sound good? OK. Get yourself a cup of juice and sit down on the rug. It’s story time.

I couldn't decide if this was high fashion or a cat toy made by someone who was high.
I couldn’t decide if this was high fashion or a cat toy made by someone who was high.


Her head is odd shaped, and her ears are huge, but she doesn't have to flat-iron, so I'm still jealous.
Her head is odd shaped, and her ears are huge, but she doesn’t have to flat-iron, so I’m still jealous.


Like anyone carries a fake gun in Texas.
Like anyone carries a fake gun in Texas.


Foxy lady! Um, dead foxy lady.
Foxy lady! Um, dead foxy lady. Is this a fox, guys?


Yes, there is a real barber shop in the airport.  The husband got a shave -- a head shave.  He also does not have to flat-iron.
Yes, there is a real barber shop in the airport. The husband got a shave — a head shave. He also does not have to flat-iron.
WHAT? Fox news in Texas? Huh?
WHAT? Fox news in Texas? Huh?
No thanks! I ate on the plane.
No thanks! I ate on the plane.
No, really.  I'm good.
No, really. I’m good.
None of your business, perv!
None of your business, perv!

My Writing Assistants: Boy Siri and that VW Biotch

VW Jetta GLI
She tells me when it’s too cold out, but she won’t text me.

Someone in a blogging group posted a question about writing schedules.  I don’t have a regular writing schedule mostly because I’m not Stephen King.  I don’t have a naptime and a ten-figure income.  I have a husband, a son, a full-time job, and five pets.  I don’t get to keep a regular writing schedule and sleep.  So, I write when I can since I’ve grown fond of sleeping ever since my son became an independent teen.  Don’t be jealous elementary school parents.

They need to invent a note pad you can use in the shower because I get my best blog ideas when I’m showering, or cooking, or doing anything not writing friendly.  When I get an idea in the shower, instead of trying to write it on the shower door with a soapy finger (Boy, does that NOT work), I rinse quickly and get out so I can grab my phone with out electrocuting myself.  I try to avoid that since I already have frazzled, middle-aged lady hair.

I’m an Apple junkie, so I use Siri to “draft” a blog in my email program. Then, I copy and paste the blog from email to a Word doc.  This is when the fun begins since I have to figure out what the heck I was saying because Siri always messes up a word or fifteen.  If he (I chose the male voice) were a real assistant, he would be out there in the snow looking for another job.  My cat could probably take better notes.

When I wrote this recent blog about the bloggers that I read daily, Siri recorded “broadcasters” instead of “Bloggess.”  I was sitting there, trying to type the blog going, “Broadcasters? Why the hell would I be talking about the TV and Radio people?  Was the bathroom too steamy post shower?  Did I maybe fall and hit my head?  I finally figured it out, but it took a few minutes.  I don’t have that kind of time.

I also get a lot of ideas while I’m driving, but I usually don’t have time to pull over and jot them down.  Since my phone is usually in my purse, I don’t attempt to pull it out and use Siri while driving.  I’m not suicidal, even though you would never know this if you observed my eating habits.  I have attempted to use my VW’s hands free system, but the VW Bluetooth Biotch is worse than Siri.  Ms. VW tells me I don’t have my own cell phone number and that she can’t text me, and other such nonsense. Again, if she were a real person, and not a beautiful sporty little car, she would be fired.  So, usually, by the time I got home, the super fast creative brain has dulled and I end up grunting out two sentences in a Word doc and making more tea.

I usually end up revising and posting a blog while standing in the kitchen, with the laptop on the counter, and stirring something on the stove, sometimes with a glass of wine nearby.  If you have read any of my blogs, you should not be shocked that alcohol may or may not be involved.  I do it all.  I write. I cook. I drink wine, and maybe a little vodka, and scotch, but not at the same time. I bring home the bacon, and I fry it up in a pan. Here’s a video to explain that last part for anyone under forty.

When I Grow Up

Ah, the Duke boys.
Ah, the Duke boys.

I’m not talking about height here.  Unless I come into contact with some sort of Hulk radiation, I will never grow taller than my 5 foot nothing frame.  I’m talking about growing up mentally.  I have wanted to be a writer since I was about 7.  I used to sit in front of the old, clunky TV, after adjusting the antenna a bunch of times, and write my own stories while watching Saturday morning cartoons.  Young people, there was a time, long ago, when dinosaurs roamed the world and I didn’t need bifocals, when we did not have cartoon network, or, gasp, any cable, satellite, or internet channels.  Terrifying, isn’t it.  Well, that was why I sat and wrote my own stories.  Clearly, there was nothing good to stare at. I’m lying; we had Bo and Luke on the Dukes of Hazzard.  Nevermind.  

No, really.  I just wanted to write.  I always loved writing, except when my third grade teacher made us write a million sentences with our spelling words.  I guess I should say I always loved CREATIVE writing.  So, now that I am 42 going on 28, I’ve decided to focus more on writing.  I wrote a YA novel called Misfit Academy, and I am working on a second novel called The Lizard King Club. While I love writing fiction, I love blogging just a little bit more.

Having a blog is like having a newspaper column, but better.  Bloggers don’t have a stodgy editor with a cigar hanging out of his mouth.  In fact, most of the time, bloggers are their own editors.  This is great because they keep the interesting, fun stuff IN the blog instead of deleting it because it might offend someone.  Yawn. It’s like not having a filter when you speak, but only in writing.  Since I practice unfiltered verbal communication, I hope to blog like these people some day.
I became acquainted with Jennifer Lawson, AKA The Bloggess, in the Orlando airport. No, I did not actually meet her, but I do have dreams like that.  I was in the bookstore looking for something to read because I had forgotten my iPad.  Since I am thinking about writing a memoir of my unconventional childhood, I was looking for someone else’s unconventional childhood memoir. I wanted to find a way to write about my childhood without embarrassing what little family I keep in touch with.  Then, I saw Let’s Pretend This Never Happened sitting on the shelf.  Jennifer Lawson definitely had an interesting childhood in rural Texas. Her parents, like most, were not always perfect.  She found a way to write about her up bringing with honesty and humor. That is what I hope to do some day.  For now, the memoir is on the back burner.

I found Her Royal Thighness when a former co-worker posted a link to her blog on Facebook.  Parri Sontag, the woman behind the thighness, is truly someone real people can relate to. Her tag line is “Torn Between a Little Waist and a Little Debbie.”  Who doesn’t want to be trim AND eat cake?

Her Royal Thighness was kind enough to list her favorite blogs.  This is how I found My Life and Kids by Anna Luther. Anna is unfiltered, yet not in a scary way.  While she did post a picture of the vomiting and diarrhea calendar (the family has been super sick), she did not give too many details about the Pure Romance party.  I’m looking forward to meeting Anna, and other great bloggers, when I attend the Blog U conference this summer.  I have a reoccurring dream where I have to go back to college and live there, even though I am slightly older than college-age and a married mom.  I hope this dream stops after I go to Blog U.

I started reading Michelle’s blog, Rubber Shoes in Hell, after she commented on my blog.  I liked her instantly.  She is sarcastic and she is not afraid to drop F-bombs.  My boss sometimes reads my blog, so I AM afraid, very afraid, but I admire that Michelle is brave.  She can swear for both of us.

Well, there you have it folks.  Those are the blogs I read every week.  Who are your favorite bloggers? Post links if you got ‘em.