Tag Archives: books

Funny Offline Bathroom Reading

Do you read in the bathroom? Don’t lie to me. You are probably reading this on the john right now. You’re reading it on a tiny smart phone screen, right?

Or maybe you like to read in the carpool line while waiting for your little darlings.  Though it’s tough because you can never read a lot as you have to keep moving your car.  Reading and driving, especially near small children, is frowned upon.

Or maybe you need something quick and light-hearted to read before going to be.  I mean, you tried reading Stephen King novels at night, but it tends to keep you awake and staring into that one menacing shadow in the corner.

You guys, I have a book for you.  It is the book version of this blog.  It’s not the WHOLE blog, and there are a few stories that have not appeared on the blog.  Each entry is short and funny, or at least I meant it to be funny. Some people take me very seriously.

If this sounds like a book you would want, click on the picture to buy it.  It comes in paperback and Kindle versions.  If you read it, please do leave me a review on Amazon and Goodreads.

Yes, that is me on the cover. DO NOT judge. It was the 70’s and I was 8.

PettyThoughts cover

Unsucky Holidays the Scary Mommy Way

ScaryMommyCover1I’m not sure what I did to Tom the turkey, Santa Claus, or the New Year baby to piss them off. I must have done something offensive because the shittiest things happen every holiday season. It all started twenty years ago, when my then fiancé, who became my first husband, threw me out of our apartment ten days before Christmas. I’m not sure why we got married after that, but anyway, the holiday suckiness didn’t end there. A few years ago, my father-in-law had a horrific accident while sharpening a gardening shovel (he is fine now). Two years ago, I was diagnosed with a DVT one day after Christmas. Last year, my husband had to have UPPP (in laymen’s terms – a melon-balling of the throat) surgery EIGHT days before Christmas. This year we had to euthanize our cat the week before Thanksgiving. Happy Frickin’ Holdays? No, how about HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS!!

As you can imagine, I needed something to distract me from feeling like an evil pet parent after putting my sweet Morris to sleep. I needed to laugh, possibly drink a few cocktails, and eat delicious food.  So, it was perfect timing when Crystal from Mommifried, offered me a free copy of Scary Mommy’s Guide to Surviving the Holidays in exchange for an honest review. Crystal contributed a tasty and healthy Crock Pot cranberry sauce recipe to the book.

Since the book is full of humor and recipes, I couldn’t put Scary Mommy’s Guide down.  I read the whole thing in one afternoon, and there wasn’t any chapter I didn’t like, but, of course, I have my favorites. This is why I only have one kid; I always play favorites.

Before I could get into the funny stuff, I read Jill Smokler’s introduction to The Thanksgiving Project, a Scary Mommy Nation charity. Jill started The Thanksgiving Project in 2011 after reading posts in the Scary Mommy Confessions section from moms who could not afford to buy food. This made me a little teary-eyed, and a lot grateful for what I have. It also made me want to help, and if you want to help, click the link above for more information.

After I wiped my tears, I was ready to laugh. I NEEDED to laugh, damn it, and the wonderful contributors to Scary Mommy’s Guide did not let me down. My favorite humor piece was The Dysfunctional Family Drinking Game. This story made me laugh my ass off and want to go to Kathryn Leehane’s house for Thanksgiving. It also made me want a martini something fierce, but that is not unusual, especially considering the week I’ve had. I don’t want to give too much away, but basically Kathryn and her husband play a secret game involving liquor and their family’s bad behavior. Reading about it made me glad that I live nowhere near any of my family. I would have alcohol poisoning.

Speaking of cocktails, there are drink recipes in this book. Did I mention that I LOVE this book? Take a look at Sharon Green’s Seasonal Cocktails for Moms. There are enough recipes in her list to make you and your holidays merry and bright. If you are like me, and your nose turns red after two sips of any alcoholic beverage, you may also be able to replace Rudolph in Santa’s line-up.

If you’re going to be drinking, and you don’t want to barf all over your favorite ugly Christmas sweater (I buy mine here), you will need some food. In my chubby little opinion, all food should come in the form of cookies. I intend to make Jessica Griffin’s Show-Stealing Molasses Cookies many times this holiday season. Unlike 98% of the world, I am not in love with chocolate. I will eat dark chocolate in small doses, but for the most part, chocolate gathers in the back of my throat and makes me want to spit a loogie that would make a drunk, congested college boy jealous. Jessica’s yummy molasses cookies have no chocolate in them, so they are low on the loogie index. SCORE!

I could go on and on about this book, but it would not make sense to you because you haven’t read it, yet. So, stop reading this and head over to Amazon, or Barnes and Noble, or Simon and Schuster, and buy this book. Purchasing Scary Mommy’s Guide to Surviving the Holidays is a great way to help keep your own spirits up during the most stressful time of the year, and it is also a way to contribute to the Scary Mommy Nation. So, it is truly WINNING and I don’t mean that in a Charlie Sheen kind of way, even with all of the booze jokes.

Clash of the Couples — Marital Arguments Gone Funny

So, if you follow me on the 1,273 social media sites I am on, you probably know that one of my snarky stories has been published in a real life book. It is something that has never appeared on my blog. I can’t print the entire thing now, but here is a taste:

Clash of the Couples would make and EXCELLENT Christmas gift.
Clash of the Couples would make and EXCELLENT Christmas gift.

Like a lot of people, I had a starter marriage — you know, that cute little legal promise you make when you’re in your twenties and really not that smart. Sure, you’re “in love” but you don’t exactly think about things like oh say what you actually have in common, or how you would co-parent. Unlike most people, my starter marriage was with Ricky Ricardo. Actually, he didn’t play the bongos, and he wasn’t THE Ricky Ricardo, as I would have had to dig him up to marry him. My ex-husband was and is (it’s not like he became Irish after we separated) a Cuban American. He moved to the United States when he was a preschooler, but he grew up in a home where only Spanish was spoken, and he went to school in a part of Miami that might as well require a passport for entry. So, as you can probably imagine, there were a series of unfortunate misunderstandings. All that was missing was bright red hair and a rousing rendition of Babalu.

That is just the first paragraph from my story in the super funny Clash of the Couples anthology. The rest of my story and FORTY-FIVE other funny, some of them funnier than mine, spousal arguments can be found here. That link will take you to Amazon so you can buy your very own copy of Clash of the Couples on Kindle or in paperback. The book is also available for the Nook via Barnes and Noble, and all things Apple via the iTunes application on your computer, iPad, or iPhone.

So far, everyone loves the book.
So far, everyone loves the book.