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Murder Mystery Meltdown

On Friday nights, I usually change in to my pajamas at 5, order a pizza, have an extra glass of wine, and watch Shark Tank with my husband. Last Friday was a wee bit different. My good friend M had a couple of extra tickets to the murder mystery dinner here in my hometown. My husband and I like hanging out with M and her husband, so we were glad they invited us. Having never been to a murder mystery dinner, I thought it was a dinner show, meaning I could just sit there, shovel food in my face, and watch the show. It would be kind of like what I do at home in front of the TV only I would have to wear a bra, and not put my feet up. It sounded awesome.

At 43, I have the hearing of a 90 year-old, so before walking into the restaurant, I turned up my hearing aids. I wanted to be able to hear M and hear the show. This was my first mistake. Holy heck. From the time we entered the restaurant until the “crime” was solved, there was constant noise and “information” about the killer. The interaction never stopped.

Once I realized how noisy it would be, I turned DOWN my hearing aids and asked to see the drink menu. I said a silent secular prayer that this was a full liquor bar place and not a beer and wine only place. I did plan to order two glasses at a time if wine was my only option. One glass would not be strong enough for this hermit hell I was in. Beer is just weak bread flavored soda, in my humble opinion.

As an introvert, I lose energy when I am in a crowd of people. It’s almost like my light switch goes off and my ability to interact with people just shuts down. My switch flipped off about an hour before the show was over. I’m sorry, I mean about an hour before the murder was solved.

Not only was there a lot of listening and talking, but there was freaking homework! Seriously. We had to take notes and fill out a worksheet about “clues” and “suspects.” I was not allowed to write, “I don’t care. Can I just have my dessert in peace?” That is not a correct answer. They really wanted us to THINK about what had happened and who had a motive to kill the victim. I hadn’t heard most of what the suspects had said because the sound system seemed to have come from a 1989 K-Mart catalog. It also could have been because I’m hearing impaired.

Not only did I have to strain to listen to suspects, but also I had to talk to strangers. Strangers. I’m still recovering. We were supposed to actually get up from our table and circulate to talk to even more strangers. As the token introverts at the super interactive murder mystery show, M and I declined to do this. Our husbands played the game, though. This gave M and I a chance to catch up.

There was a theme, too. It wasn’t just a murder we were solving; it was a totally awesome, tubular murder from my high school years. That’s right. We were partying like it was 1985. I really enjoyed the 80’s theme, especially the costumes. I wore my cat Swatch (of course I have one), a checkerboard mini skirt, and leggings. Other people dressed in really authentic 80’s attire, including the murderer and her man.

The Murderer and her Beau
The Murderer and her Beau

The murderer was Cindy Leapyear. Get it? Leapyear instead of Lauper. I don’t remember what her motive was or any details because I had stopped paying attention an hour earlier. I think it had something to do with a romantic relationship with another character that looked like Joe Dirt. My husband got a picture of Cindy (not her real name) and her companion, who wore a plastic suit. I hope he had a layer of baby powder under that suit. It did not look comfortable. I spent the evening trying to figure out if he was Michael Jackson or Devo. He did win a prize for his costume, as I told him he would when I first saw him earlier in the evening. Cindy and Devo Jackson gave us permission to use their picture.

So, if you are an extrovert, and you love talking to people and being social, and doing a lot of thinking while you eat dinner, find yourself a murder mystery dinner to attend. If you are an introvert, stay home and watch TV. It won’t talk back to you and you can wear pajamas while you watch.

Even a Hermit Needs Her Hair Did

Macy's, I'm hoping you're not serious with this.
Macy’s, I’m hoping you’re not serious with this.

Every so often, even the strangest of introverts (raises hand)  have to leave their cats and their comfort zones to do things like buy groceries, go to the doctor, and attend to many other errands that cannot be done at home.  I mean, you CAN order groceries on Amazon, but who wants to pay 10 bucks for a quart of milk.   Of all the things I leave the house to do, getting my hair done is my favorite, and probably the most important.  Let’s face it; if I’m going to show up at the grocery store in sweat pants AKA WAHM (work at home mom) attire, my hair at least needs to look decent.  I should clarify that I wear NICE sweat pants, which look better than some jeans I’ve seen for sale at Macy’s.

Last week, I went to get my hair did and have my tiny, yet unruly eyebrows shaped.  I enjoyed every minute of my trip to the salon, and not just because I remembered that the new car has heated seats. This Florida girl living in Ohio LOVES her some heated seats.  So, even the trip to the best salon ever was heaven.

My good friend Alli introduced me to Lennonheads when I moved here.  I LOVE this place, and not only because

Before
Before

Melissa, the world’s greatest hairdresser works there.  Everyone is so cool at this place, from the people at the front desk to Taffy, the lady who tames these brows, to Melissa, who makes me look human.  I have never had to explain a joke to anyone there, which is important to me.  People without a sense of humor make me uncomfortable.  I usually find myself checking the backs of their heads for a battery pack.  It’s just awkward.

Not only is Melissa a miracle worker with hair, she is an animal lover who happens to have an unruly puppy.  If you have read this blog before, you know that I am in a similar situation with Miss Sophie. While Melissa applies my color, or trims my bangs, we chat about our puppies’ poop eating habits.  Her puppy even brings cat turds from the litter box to her other dog, who is blind.  I guess that is being considerate in dog world, kind of like bringing your friend a latte.  I’m sorry if you were eating while reading this.  Oops.  I’m sorry. Oops rhymes with poops.  I’m not making this any better, am I?

After
After

I’ve already made my next appointment with Melissa and Taffy. I’ve also recently scored an employee discount at a sporting goods store, thanks to Ben, my son’s friend who had some friends and family coupons.  You know what that means.  I’m going to be looking stylish with my well-coifed hair, my non-squirrelly eyebrows, and some hot new sweat pants.  I may even get a matching hoody.  Step back, fellas; I’m married.

 

 

Um, yeah, because teens just follow orders.

I sent this in to the “Letters to the Editor” section of the newspaper.  It was not published.  This shocks you, yes?

Recently, my son, a high school sophomore, had a two-week health class segment on sex education.  My husband and I value open and honest conversations with our son, and we were all for him taking the class.  Throughout the class, our son came home with stories of what they “learned.” Are they really just now learning this stuff in high school?  In addition to instruction from their regular teacher, students received information from a visiting professional.  I have a few issues with the curriculum:

  1. Students were presented with the Abstinence Education curriculum.  While it would be wonderful if teenagers followed their parents’ and teachers’ advice on sexuality and a host of other things, they simply don’t.  The teen years are a time of rebellion for most people.  This means they are more likely to do the opposite of what anyone in authority tells them.  If we just told teenagers what to do, and they actually did it, all of the authors of parenting advice books would be starving to death. Did the creators of Abstinence Education maybe have some sort of amnesia about their own teen years?
  2. The students were given a brochure about condoms that stated that condoms were ineffective protection against STI’s.  While condoms cannot protect anyone from all STI’s 100% of the time, it is still better to use condoms than not use them.   A brochure like this, filled with dated information, may cause students to forgo condoms.   Why bother buying them if they don’t really work, right? The brochure does not differentiate between the types of condoms.  Lambskin condoms do not offer adequate protection against STI’s, while latex, polyisoprene, and polyurethane offer better protection.  Lumping studies of “condoms” together, without specifying the material, skews the results.  One can access information on the different types of condoms from a simple Google search, which teens are much more likely to do than read a dated brochure.
  3. The Medical Institute for Sexual Health, publisher of the brochure, is a known conservative organization (http://www.sourcewatch.org/index.php?title=Medical_Institute_for_Sexual_Health).   One advisory board member is known for recommending prayer as a cure for premenstrual syndrome.  If we could pray away medical problems, there would not be any.
  4. The methods used to demonstrate sexual activity and disease transmission were just gross.  For example, after being told that condoms “can cut your chance of getting herpes by about 30%” because herpes can be contracted from any skin contact, students were asked to put tape on their arms and then rip it off of their skin, taking skin cells, oil and hair with it.   Then, they were asked to put the tape on the skin of a few other students to symbolize having sex.   This was supposed to “prove” that having sexual partners before marriage will prevent you from forming a cohesive (because the tape became less sticky) bond with the person you marry.   Aside from the hasty generalization involved with that argument, the students could have been exchanging skin diseases via tape.

Columbus was recently named the most intelligent city in America.  While I would love to believe this, I’m not seeing this in the sex education curriculum.  Abstinence education simply does not work.  States who use this program actually have higher teen pregnancy rates.  This information can also be found with a Google search. (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3194801/ )