Tag Archives: Costco

Cathouse Breakdown

Sure – I live in a large house with my parents, the boy, and my canine and feline brother and sisters, but sometimes, I just want to move into my own place. I have found several small dwellings in my house. They seem to be delivered in a loud brown truck that pulls up on the car area outside. Even if I don’t see it the dog sisters alert me with their bark alarms. So, I jump and run to the small window near the door. A man with a brown suit carries a cat home or two to the door, and it sits outside the little window until Mother or Father or the Boy bring it in. You would think the big stupid dog would retrieve it, but she just stares at the truck and barks.  This is quite useless. If I had big jaws like that, I would carry the homes in myself.

Once a human carries the cathouse in, Mother opens it with a small sword of sorts. It pops in and out like claws. She then takes out a bunch of useless and stinky things, and leaves the home on the floor for me. I enter it immediately to claim it for myself. Usually, when I leave to use the facilities, or grab a bite to eat, one of my siblings tries to steal it.

Sometimes, I find Morris, the fat, orange useless male, or Boo Boo, my sister who poops on the floor in my home. I let them know in no uncertain terms that it is MY HOUSE. By let them know, I mean I kick their asses. I’m not afraid to let them know who is boss. I’m the alpha here. Even big and stupid knows it.

I wish I could say that my cathouses last forever, but they don’t. Mysteriously, something always happens to them. Sometimes, I find them flattened, and other times they just disappear entirely. I used to suspect that some sort of sorcery or weather issue was to blame for this. Then, I caught Mother cutting up my house with her claw sword. So, when I do have a house of my own, I enjoy it and have everyone take pictures of me in it. I want to share a few with you here.

One time, I had a convertible home.
One time, I had a convertible home.

 

The power company never turns the electricity on soon enough when you move.
The power company never turns the electricity on soon enough when you move.

 

Finally!
Finally!

 

I hate it when my brother just invites himself over.  I will need to disinfect the place.
I hate it when my brother just invites himself over. I will need to disinfect the place.

 

UGH! It still smells like Morris. I'd better let it air out.
UGH! It still smells like Morris. I’d better let it air out.

 

Here I am inspecting my roof and the adjoining terrace.
Here I am inspecting my roof and the adjoining terrace.

 

Once again, Mother has destroyed my home.  She just can't stand to have me living away from her.
Once again, Mother has destroyed my home. She just can’t stand to have me living away from her.

 

I will be comfy here on the couch until I have a home of my own again.
I will be comfy here on the couch until I have a home of my own again.

People of Costco

Coffee anyone?
Coffee anyone?

I hate Walmart. Even just seeing the People of Walmart site makes me want to stick cat claws in my eyes and bathe in Benedryl cream. The place just smells of tornado flattened trailer parks and untreated STD’s. So, when I need to save a buck or five, I go to Costco because it’s a lot less nasty. Plus, they give free samples. With free food and a surprising lack of toothless grown-ups in pajamas, Costco is as close to heaven as I care to get right now. Seriously, if they had wine tastings, I would never leave. Costco has an amazing selection of food, clothes, appliances, furniture and just enough walking stereotypes to keep things interesting. Here are just a few examples of folks I saw on my last trip to Costco.

Hellishly Hung Over — You’ve seen that one guy who obviously didn’t get to sleep off his drunk from last night. He usually has a cart full of diapers, a case of imported beer, and huge Polish sausage from the snack bar. Sometimes, a woman wearing a baby papoose and a smirk is following him.

Express Expectations — That overly tanned couple in gym clothes who just came in for a case of water and are annoyed that there is no express lane.  They stand there wearing faces that say, “WHY the fuck are these people buying so much?” Because it’s Costco, not Walmart, meatheads.

Pop and Pop – There are always those rather large people with a case of Diet Coke and a dozen bags of Skinny Pop in the cart.  Head over to the produce section and start eating healthy things. That chemical shit storm you have in your cart will not lead you down the path of fitness. Ask the bottled water people.

Home Depot Houdini — He’s that poor SOB trying to load a refrigerator into his minivan while his wife scowls and holds their first grader on her hip.  Sometimes the child is strapped in the car already and the wife pretends to help. Either way, you feel sorry for him because Home Depot would have delivered and installed it.

Painfully Awake – This person has nothing but huge amounts of caffeinated beverages in his cart. There may also be one of those lifetime supply bottles of B-vitamins. You just want to give this person a hug and a nap.

Incredibly Constipated – This is the person who actually buys all of the huge laxative products that I wrote about in this blog.

Very Vitamix – Who else buys 26 pounds of Kale, 14 baskets of Blueberries, a stalk of rubarb, and well, a Vitamix? You know this guy probably does not buy the decade-sized Miralax.

Domestic Zoo – If you’re not hoarding animals, you don’t need 52 pounds of dog biscuits and two drums of cat litter. (Hides face and raises hand)

Crime Scene Cleaners – If I see people buying 12 gallons of bleach and a case of Febreze, I’m going to turn down all invitations to their house.

I would love to hear from you. Who do you usually see at Costco? I’m assuming that you go to Costco because it’s awesome.

 

Costco – For When You Really CAN’T Poop

My husband and I went to Costco for lunch today.   No, we didn’t buy a huge hot dog or pizza there; we just walked up and down every aisle and accepted any and all samples. We love going to Costco because you can get a lot of unique products in huge quantities. However, today we learned that there are some products we hope we NEVER have to buy in bulk.

I can’t even imagine what kind of impacted poop emergency a person, or rhinoceros, would have to be experiencing to need not only the huge double pack of Miralax, but also six Fleet enemas. If I am ever SO backed up that I need anything like this, I hope my head just explodes from the pressure and I die instantly.

Miralax and Fleet
Please kill me if I ever need this HUGE combo.

To prevent such an emergency, you could simply buy 190 servings of Benefiber. Oh, cool! No gluten. Plus, it’s “great for cooking.”  Look out, kids.  Don’t eat my spaghetti sauce. I’m going to pick up some right now.

Benefiber
Gluten free!! I wonder if it mixes well with vodka.

Of course, if nothing else works, you could just buy a pack of 400 rubber gloves and go digging. I didn’t see a huge jar of Vaseline anywhere. Costco may want to rethink their product placement. Gosh, I hope my boss isn’t reading this.

Kirklans Nitrile Exam Gloves
Neato! You can use them on the car, too.

After all of the Miralax, Fleet enemas, Benefiber, and rubber glove treatment, you may very well need a LOT of Preparation H.

Preparation H
Obviously, some marketing genius named this product. I wonder who tested A through G.

Be careful: If you use too much Miralax, Fleet, and Benefiber, you may end up needing about a gallon of Pepto. Good news! Costco has that.

Pepto-Bismol
It even comes with some shot glasses.

While you’re waiting for the Pepto to work, you may need some protection, just in case.

Depend Underwear
They must be fancy if they’re French.

After all of this, you may need these.

Butt Wipes
Sometimes, even Charmin is just not gentle enough.

 

Once you stop running to the bathroom, you may be hungry. You’ll want to stick to a bland diet. So, why not buy five pounds of matzo? If you don’t eat it all, you could always build a house out of it.

FIVE pounds!
FIVE pounds!