My husband and I went to Costco for lunch today.   No, we didn’t buy a huge hot dog or pizza there; we just walked up and down every aisle and accepted any and all samples. We love going to Costco because you can get a lot of unique products in huge quantities. However, today we learned that there are some products we hope we NEVER have to buy in bulk.

I can’t even imagine what kind of impacted poop emergency a person, or rhinoceros, would have to be experiencing to need not only the huge double pack of Miralax, but also six Fleet enemas. If I am ever SO backed up that I need anything like this, I hope my head just explodes from the pressure and I die instantly.

To prevent such an emergency, you could simply buy 190 servings of Benefiber. Oh, cool! No gluten. Plus, it’s “great for cooking.”  Look out, kids.  Don’t eat my spaghetti sauce. I’m going to pick up some right now.

Of course, if nothing else works, you could just buy a pack of 400 rubber gloves and go digging. I didn’t see a huge jar of Vaseline anywhere. Costco may want to rethink their product placement. Gosh, I hope my boss isn’t reading this.

After all of the Miralax, Fleet enemas, Benefiber, and rubber glove treatment, you may very well need a LOT of Preparation H.

Be careful: If you use too much Miralax, Fleet, and Benefiber, you may end up needing about a gallon of Pepto. Good news! Costco has that.

While you’re waiting for the Pepto to work, you may need some protection, just in case.

After all of this, you may need these.

Once you stop running to the bathroom, you may be hungry. You’ll want to stick to a bland diet. So, why not buy five pounds of matzo? If you don’t eat it all, you could always build a house out of it.