Tag Archives: Dream Academy

Bite Me, Polar Vortex!

I have had Life in a Northern Town, the original version not the countrified remake, stuck in my head for a few weeks.  The same two lines, over and over:

He said in winter 1963

It felt like the world would freeze

Only I change it to:

In two thousand and fourteen

It felt like the world would freeze

Because this winter has sucked.  Well, every winter has sucked since 2008.  I willingly moved away from South Florida, where I spent the first 35 years of my life, and moved to Fort Wayne, Indiana in January of 2007.  It was magical.  The snow looked like glitter.  Since our house backed up to the woods, deer would walk through our yard.  I felt like I lived in the North Pole.  I loved it.

That crap got old in 2008.  I was done with shoveling the driveway so I could leave the house, driving with sweaty palms at speeds of barely 25, and waking up early to make breakfast for my son only to find out there was a two hour delay or cancellation.  Sometimes the school board makes a decision the night before, but most of the time it is at the last possible minute.

EVERY winter, I kick myself for leaving Florida.  I miss the weather and I miss my family and friends.  In order to maintain my sanity living here in the freezer, I must constantly list the things I do NOT miss about Florida:

  •  Tourist Season – We don’t have one in Columbus, OH.  I can get a table at my favorite restaurants ALL YEAR LONG.  So, there, Hollywood people!
  •  Seeing homeless people use the restroom on the sidewalk or in the middle of the street –  Let’s face it; it’s too cold to drop your pants in public here.  When I lived in Hollywood, FL, I saw a woman defecate on the sidewalk, and a man pee in the middle of the street.  I don’t miss that.
  •  Having newspaper vendors and other people come up to my car at red lights to sell me crap –  This does not happen here.  It is too cold and I think there are actually laws against it.  You can sit in your car, drink your latte, and play with your satellite radio in peace at the red lights in this northern town.
  •  Having a huge house for less money –  I live in a five level split house and it costs less than anything I could get down in hurricane land.
  •  Hurricanes – Yes we have snow.  No, I do not live in Tornado Alley (That is up the center of the country), but we get them here occasionally. The thing is, hurricanes used to stress me out because the weather people talk about them for DAYS.  “Buy canned goods! Get water! Put on your shutters!”  That is all you hear down there.  Then, usually, the hurricane veers off course and you prepared for nothing.  That is a lot of stress.

So, for the time being, I will stay here in Ohio. I will continue to loathe going out the door from October through April.  I will keep complaining and hating snow.   And I will keep listing the five reasons I don’t miss Florida, over and over and over and over….

Polar Vortex
It’s either snowing, super cold or both.