Tag Archives: Facebook friends

Ten Tiresome Facebook Friends

Andre and his Hitler mustache
Andre and his Hitler mustache

Note: This post is also on The Huffington Post.

Recently, I announced that I am going to stop filtering myself. Yes, readers, I HAVE been holding back. I know this is frightening. It frightens me, too, but I do need to be more honest in my writing. I’ve already been pretty honest when speaking. I have seen people’s faces twitch when I say something brutally honest. It gives me that warm Christmas feeling. So, in the spirit of communicating like Sophia on the Golden Girls, here are some Facebook friend clichés, along with sample statuses, found in EVERYONE’S friend list.

Concrete Charisma — nothing but eight pack ab gym selfies all the time. They also post “facts” about how carbs are evil and everyone should eat an entire cow every day. He or she always has a recipe for brownies made out of organic cat shit and black beans, or some such nonsense.

“Just ate a quarter of a teaspoon of mashed potatoes. I need to do a complete colon cleanse and double my gym time.”

Sportsy McSports Sports — Every damn day there’s another post about “the game” or “that player who got traded” or “tickets to the game.”

“Somebody smack the ref. WE had the ball on the 29th down. Beer!”   We? I don’t remember you getting off the couch, suiting up, and playing, Mr. Sportsmeister.

Lookin’ for Love in all the Wrong Places — You know this person; you may be related to him or her. You very well may BE this person. There are telltale signs like numerous baby daddies/mamas, a lot of hangovers, and a few court dates. These people are always in love — for real this time.

After years of procreating with psychos, I have finally found the one. He has 13 kids with 19 women, no teeth, and he’s unemployed. Cupid has hit me hard with this magical arrow.”

Because Jesus – We all have that religious friend who is always asking for “prayer warriors,” or posting the “Share if you are not afraid to say you believe in God” memes. I’m not afraid; I just don’t believe. And what the heck do prayer warriors look like anyway? Do they wear suits made out of gold plated Bible pages? Is there glittering war paint involved?

“Praise Jesus for these wonderful tater tots. Truly blessed.”                                                       Yeah, about 40 people are going to unfriend me for that one.

Speak and Spell – This person needs one, and a first grade grammar primer. STAT! For the love of Dick and Jane, have they stopped teaching basic punctuation and spelling here in ‘Murica?

“ru going to county fare if so cn u give rid”   WTF does that even mean?

Crazy Cat Lady—She is just one cat picture short of having whiskers tattooed on her face. You know the woman sits on her couch day and night, stroking cats and talking to herself.

“Andre has a Hitler mustache but he is still mama’s baby.”   [Raises hand and hides face in shame.]

The Baconator – All this person posts about is — wait for it — bacon. That is all. He (it’s always a he) probably eats ice cream out of a bacon bowl, with bacon bits on top.

“Here’s my recipe for salad. Bacon, bacon, and bacon. Lol”

Mr. President – This person blames the President for everything from gas prices to erectile dysfunction. “Mr. President” should just run for president since he has the same know-it-all attitude of your average 16 year-old mall rat.

“I just stubbed my toe and spilled my Mountain Dew on my unemployment check. Thanks, Obama.”

Monsanto Warrior – You swear this person probably never eats because EVERY food is toxic. He or she probably pulls around an IV pole to avoid any GMOs or pesticides, ignoring the possibility of toxins from the plastic IV bag.

“DO NOT eat carrots. Monsanto has created carrots that will make you grow goat ears and squeal like a pig.”

Manic Mom – This mom has her kids in at least 27 STRANGE activities, and that is just on Tuesdays.

“I’m painting my nails and sipping a quad espresso, skinny, vanilla latte while the kids are at their trapeze artistry with watercolors lesson. Today, they’re hanging upside down and re-creating a Monet.”

Well, I’m off to check my friends list. I’m sure at least 9 people have defriended me already. The others haven’t figured out how to defriend on the Facebook phone app. What other types of Facebook friends do you have? I know I missed some. Let me hear from you in the comments section.

Yes, bacon bowls are real.
Yes, bacon bowls are real.