Tag Archives: Forrest Gump

Gump Trump

Mama and the Manchild: Forrest Gump Trump Edition

Son: I love me some cheese curls. [Sitting at the table with a sandwich and a little bag of Aldi’s Cheetos knockoff.]

Me: You should bring some of those fake Cheetos to your training class tonight.  [The boy works at the library and they are changing computers systems.  He has to attend two four hour training courses.]  You could get orange dust on the keyboard and people will think Trump was there.

Son: [chuckles]

Me: You could trick a kid like that on Christmas.  Instead of putting fake reindeer footprints you could put Cheeto dust footprints and tell the kid that President Trump is the new Santa.

Son: Yeah, and there would just be a piece of chocolate cake under the tree.

Me: A BEAUTIFUL chocolate cake. [Attempting a Trump impression.  Alec Baldwin’s SNL gig is safe.]

Son:  [Takes over and does perfect Trump impression with hand gestures]  It would be a BEAUTIFUL piece of chocolate cake. [switches back to his regular voice] And it would have one bite out of it because Trump feels the same about chocolate cake as Forrest Gump feels about chocolate.  [Does perfect Gump voice] I ate some.

Me: What, like Forrest Trump or something, or Gump Trump?

Son: YES! That would be perfect.  Can you just see Donald Trump sitting on a bench with his suitcase talking to some woman saying, “And then my father gave me a small loan of a million dollars and I bought a shrimping yacht.”  [The boy somehow manages to combine Gump’s and Trump’s voices and mannerisms.

 

Hey, Lorne Michaels, are you reading this? You need to give the boy a job!

A Smarter, Better Forrest Gump

The ButlerSome people are addicted to alcohol, or crack, or Cheetos, or Twinkies, or bad relationships, or, according to some weird show I watched, eating toilet paper.  Not me.  My big, dark, scary addiction is biopics.  Ok, so I would eat my own weight in Twinkies if I found a palatable gluten free version, but Twinkies truly aren’t my number one addiction.  Seriously, if a movie is advertised as “based on a true story,” I will immediately run out and apply for a loan so I can afford to go to the theater AND have popcorn. As we all know, it costs approximately $35,000.52 to see a movie, and get popcorn and a soda.

So, if you know me at all, you know that Forrest Gump has been my favorite movie since 1994. It is a love I have passed down to my son.  He and I frequently run lines from the movie together.  We take turns being Forrest or Lt. DanForrest Gump is a movie that needs a lot of analysis to fully “get.”  If you think it is just a dumb movie about a Southern idiot, you don’t “get” it.  If you think the feather floating around is just a feather, you really don’t “get” it.  Sometimes, I think only English majors and their offspring truly understand the symbolism of this film. Well, I imagine that the history buffs probably like it, too.  Even though Forrest Gump is not “based on a true story” it has a lot of actual historical events throughout the film.  The same could be said for The Butler. Here is a little article that talks about the differences between the movie and “reality.”  It even mentions the Forrest Gump connection.  So, I guess I’m not alone in this theory. The Butler

The Butler is one of those movies that makes me feel like I have done absolutely nothing with my life. I find that to be motivating rather than depressing. I have two college degrees, and I work from home, I take care of 5 pets, a teen son, and a husband, but what do I do besides stare at screens, clean, and shove food in my face? No, gym people, I’m not saying I need to cut out carbs and run a marathon.   I’m saying I think we all need to do something for people. The funny thing is that the character in The Butler, Louis, who does the most for other people is not a real person.  See the link at the end of the paragraph above, if you haven’t already.

The bottom line is if you haven’t seen The Butler, you should.  It’s not entirely a real story, but it’s a good story, just like Forrest Gump, but with a more intelligent main character.  The Butler focuses a lot on the history of race relations in this country, and by history of race relations I am talking about the fact that people have been treated like dirt simply because they have a darker complexion.  That is one of the best reasons to watch the movie, other than to see the amazing make-up work done to age Forrest Whitaker and Oprah Winfrey, the butler and his wife, roughly 50 years during the course of the film, or to see John Cusack as Nixon.  The film discusses racial hatred, but it also focuses on love, and the fact that love does win.  Always. 

All My FAKE Boyfriends

Like a lot of women out there, I have my list of fake boyfriends.  They are celebrities or characters from TV shows and movies.  In other words, none of them are real people, and that’s why I call them FAKE boyfriends. It’s totally frowned upon to wink at your gun holster-wearing neighbor while he’s out walking his dog.  Yes, I really have a neighbor like that, and no I do not wink. EVER. I don’t even make eye contact.  Anyway, it’s different, and more acceptable to flutter your eyelashes at a Greek God in a yogurt commercial because you will likely never be seated next to him on a plane.   Ah, one can dream. So, without further delay, here are my fake boyfriends in order of physical attractiveness.

 John Stamos

 I’m pretty sure John Stamos bathes in the blood of kittens or something.  Seriously! How else would someone stay this attractive for so long?  I have loved (I use the word love very lightly here) John Stamos since I was a pudgy 12 year-old who watched General Hospital daily.  I used to sit in front of the TV, munch on Cheetos, and stare at Blackie Parrish (Stamos’ character on GH) play the drums, or talk to Frisco, or just breathe.  The man breathes beautifully.  Unfortunately, he doesn’t speak beautifully. 

I have watched a few interviews with John and, well, he’s just not that bright.  He should really just not talk.  He should just strike poses and allow middle-aged women to admire him.  Well, he should probably allow all women to admire him.  I know young ladies who like him, too.  I also think John should be bred, like a stallion or prize-winning goat.  All that beauty should not just die whenever John hawks his last yogurt.  Scientists need to breed him with another beautiful, yet not so bright creature, maybe a Kardashian or a Hilton. 

 Rob Lowe

Rob comes close to being perfect.  In fact, he would be perfect if he had not had that little tryst with teen girls a while back.  That was just icky, Rob.  Anyway, he is gorgeous, and he probably purchases his kitten blood from the same dealer as John.  While Rob is a close second to John in the looks department, he is actually intelligent.  I know this because I read his memoir, Stories I Only Tell My Friends.  Here is a link.  Yes, there are pictures.   http://www.amazon.com/Stories-Only-Tell-Friends-Autobiography/dp/B007SRVZ52

Had Rob not gotten his first movie role as Sodapop Curtis in The Outsiders (See, I actually READ the book.), he was going to head off to college to study some sort of science that only super smart people get degrees in.    I’m an English major, so I don’t remember the specific field, but Mr. Lowe was going to become Dr. Lowe in something impressive.  Robert Downey Jr. went to high school with Rob, and was (before hard drugs) also super smart. 

 Robert Downey Jr.

Robert Downey Jr. is incredibly easy on the eyes.  Though, I imagine that the drug use probably added some years to him, and it’s also what puts him in third place.  I’m not a “let’s go out and get wasted” kind of girl, and my boyfriend shouldn’t be like that either, even if he’s fake.  I’m super proud of RDJ for maintaining his sobriety this long, though.  Good job. 

The other thing that puts Robert in third place is his eye color.  Hey, if he’s my fake boyfriend, I can be picky.  I’m partial to people with dark hair and light eyes.  For the record my husband is bald with green eyes, but he used to have brown hair.  Robert is a brown-eyed boy, and that is OK for some, but if I’m building a perfect boyfriend, he needs green eyes.   Blue would be a distant second.

 Sting

 I’m pretty sure Sting has blue eyes, but it’s hard to tell because they just blend in to his face.  Sting is a blond, and to me blonds just look washed out.  I’ve only had a crush on one blond person in my entire life, other than Sting.  If blonds are having more fun, I’m not sure why.  No offense, blond friends.  See. I said, “No offense.”  So, everything is OK now. 

I “love” Sting for his mind.  He is a former English teacher, and he knows how to write real lyrics.  I also read Sting’s memoir, Broken Music.  This is an excellent read, with pictures, and it explains things like why Sting is called Sting.  I won’t give it away, but it probably won’t surprise you.   http://www.amazon.com/Broken-Music-Memoir-Sting/dp/0385338651

 Sheldon Cooper

 Sheldon is a good looking individual, but not as good looking as John or Rob.  I think his fashion style, which is part fifth-grader and part comic book geek, takes away from his looks.  I think Sheldon would look dapper in a tux.

Sheldon’s best feature, in my humble opinion, is his communication style.  Yes, abrupt and direct is a style.  I share this with Sheldon. Maybe that is why I admire it so much.  Really, there’s no reason to be indirect.  Just say what you have to say and be done with it.  Now that I think about it, Sheldon and I would probably break up in five minutes if we dated in real/fake life. 

 Forrest Gump

One word: loyalty.  Homeboy named everything Jenny, well, at least a fleet of shrimping boats.  What girl wouldn’t want that?  Seriously.  Another good thing about Forrest is he is simple.  You tell him what to do and he does it.  Sure, he would eat half of a box of chocolates before he gives them to you, but at least he would think to bring you chocolates.  Forrest is also easy on the eyes, especially in uniform.  He and John Stamos are on the same intellectual level, so even though he has a cute accent, Forrest would need to be a quiet boyfriend. 

 So, that is all of them.  They don’t buy me jewelry, take me out to eat, or know I’m alive, but I am still faithful to them, sort of.  I mean I am married and all.  So, I guess that is not being faithful, unless I’m a rock star or something. Rock star faithful is way different than normal people faithful.  I go to bed at nine, so I am probably not going to be a rock star.  I doubt I will ever be normal either.  So, I guess I should probably break things off with them.  It’s the right thing to do.  Sorry, fellas!

Disclaimer:  My husband knows all about my fake boyfriends, and he also knows that if Sting pulled up in a white limo right now and said, “Lisa, I simply must be with you.  Marry me.” in his awesome British accent, I would turn him down because I know that I already have the best husband in the world.  He only eats my chocolates after I open the box.

 No kittens were harmed in the course of writing this blog.